Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

justiceleaque:

you can’t say “i know batman” and get away with it in gotham. “i saw batman last night”? plausible. he uses roofs and balconies more than actual solid ground so yeah, you probably did see him. “he was only five feet away from me at the central plaza when the bomb got defused”? so was half of the city because the joker decided christmas eve was the best time for an explosion. but, “i know batman”? are you sure? are you sure you know batman? does anyone really know batman? maybe batman doesn’t know batman, the layers of secrecy on that guy are thicker than that time the gotham river got filled with dense tart sauce but the authorities thought it was blood

meanwhile in metropolis, “i ate a burrito with superman” is probably met with “you didn’t bring him to your grandma’s for that sunday roast i know she rocks? what is wrong with you? i baked him cookies while he was telling me about his mom’s cooking. how could you treat him like that, jennifer, the guy saves us from brainiac every two weeks”

(via hashtagonlyingotham)

Anonymous asked: I just read a post that mentioned the entire Justice League being on Cutthroat Kitchen and I desperately needed to know what your headcanons are on this.

unpretty:

Batman is out in round one. Firstly, he thinks $25k is nothing. What can you buy with $25k. Is that even enough to make a meal. He spends all his money and gets no sabotages and loses anyway because he is honestly a terrible cook. It will be edible and it will keep you alive but it will be terrible. Now, if you give him a fully stocked kitchen with all kinds of equipment he can bake you some fancy, fancy shit. But that’s baking. That is a science. Cooking is bullshit. Medium heat? What the fuck is medium heat? Medium is not a temperature. If you mean 180C say 180C. He never adds enough salt or sugar or fat to anything and everything is too spicy.

Wonder Woman also doesn’t make it very far. She can cook but, like… with fresh ingredients, and specific dishes. Plus she’s a vegetarian? She doesn’t know what the fuck to do with meats. They’re supposed to make chili dogs and she just has no frame of reference at all for what that should even look like. And she got the sabotage to do everything in the microwave. How even??

Flash gets the sabotage that replaces his good shit with garbage but that works in his favor because garbage is his specialty. He will make a delicious meal out of cheese whiz and goldfish and cocktail weenies. Unfortunately trash is all he’s good at. The man loves trash food. The next round they have to make something fresh and he’s SOL.

Green Arrow can’t cook for shit. He can stir fry and maybe roast things. It’s just not enough. He just buys sabotages for everyone because he wants to do as much damage as possible before he’s gone. Trolliver. He makes the Flash walk everywhere on top of egg crates. He’s the one who gives Wonder Woman the microwave.

J’onn can’t play because he can’t convince anyone he isn’t reading Alton’s mind for ideas. Alton always knows what you should do. Being able to read Alton’s mind is the ultimate advantage. Plus he can tell which judge it is, so he knows whether he needs to go for good food generally or for the best representation of the dish. Different judges want different things!! Honestly it is for the best they wouldn’t let J’onn play because he’s an alien and he eats weird shit.

Once they get Aquaman to understand the concept he gets really into it. He’s a great cook! How does he know how to cook these things? The man loves food. By all rights he shouldn’t be any better than Wonder Woman but holy shit he’s amazing. The things that man can do with a crab… he gets a sabotage to wear lobster claws but is weirdly highly functional. Ollie regrets buying it. Of COURSE he can handle having claws. He’s probably asked for advice. He should have bought the claws for Superman. In the end it’s Aquaman versus Superman which no one saw coming.

Superman wins. It’s bullshit. Everyone is mad about it. Not because he didn’t deserve it but because WHAT IS HE BAD AT. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING. Where did he even learn this stuff??? Little do they know HE GREW UP ON A FARM. THAT BOY CAN MAKE MAYONNAISE FROM SCRATCH, AND DOES. There’s a no-superpowers rule in place with a fine for offenders but he is actually great about it because Martha never let him use powers in the house. They get asked to make a lasagna and he’s so excited because he never gets to make time-intensive things usually. Murphy’s Law and supervillains get him every time he tries. He doesn’t have enough time to make his mozzarella and ricotta and tomato sauce from scratch like he usually does (YOU DO WHAT) but he does make his own pasta and it does not seem to occur to him not to do this. He lets Aquaman buy the sabotage to take his pasta because he didn’t even grab any. He does that thing where he sings pop songs in the voice of the original singer while he cooks and they have to ask him to stop so they won’t have to pay royalties. He’s very embarrassed because he didn’t realize he was doing it. He successfully stops himself from adding way too much garlic, even though he thinks it’s better with like… a whole head of garlic… all the garlic, in the world. Aquaman makes a really good eggplant lasagna but he just can’t compete with the meaty cheesy midwestern monstrosity that Superman has created.

shevathegun:

spidergvven:

jedi-from-the-shire:

People who are complaining about Superman’s glasses disguising his identity have obviously never worn glasses. You take them off around your friends, people who see you every single day, and they’re like ,,WHAT THE FUCK, YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT! IS THAT HOW YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE?! NO WAY! WHO ARE YOU???“

a girl i went to school with for over a decade came into my work once, we had a full blown conversation while i checked her out and she had no idea who i was bc i have glasses now, the clark kent glasses effect is real.

also i will eventually write a post about this but are we really going to pretend y'all would recognize A Random Reporter ™ say from your local newspaper if he dressed in lycra and flew around punching stuff. do you even know what any of the reporters from your local newspaper look like. would you even recognize them in reporter clothes. would you. would you sharon

This is 100% real. I went to a very small middle school and high school and I had a REPUTATION, okay, everyone knew me really well. And then I came into class one day with glasses on and my hair down and someone walked up and warned me… about myself. The look on their face when I took my glasses off and went “Are you fucking serious right now” was one of abject horror. I am confident that Clark Kent would be absolutely fine.

(via lupinatic)

roachpatrol:

comedowntheroad:

raptorific:

I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true

@unpretty

“Hey, that— that guy, in the corner, is that— is that Superman?” 

Clark looks up from his computer at the new intern. “Oh, no,” he says. “You caught me.”

“Clark, you pull this shit every time, man,” his desk neighbor Steve says. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No, the kid’s right, I’m Superman,” Clark says. He gets out of his seat and cracks his back out. “I guess we’re gonna have a superhero fight.”

“Clark, sit back down.”

“Nope. Superhero fight.”

“Clark if you don’t sit the hell back down and finish your article by lunch I am going to tell Perry on you.”

Clark points at the intern. “You get off easy this time, buddy,” he says, and sits back down. 

“So…” the intern says, very lost. “Uh…”

“That’s Clark,” a slightly older and more experienced intern says. “He’s Superman’s asshole twin.”

(via windbladess)

“…and the American way”

kijilinn:

jessicalprice:

This piece by Harebrained Schemes art director Mike McCain is so gorgeous and I love it and if you want a print of it, you can buy it here. 

100% of proceeds go to the ACLU.

*slams reblog so fast*

(via windbladess)

missymalice:

spxceselkie:

anyway!!!! allow me to present michael ealy as clark kent:

he’s got the baby blues:

he’s got the great smile:

he’s a dork:

here he is in glasses:

pls imagine this face directed at lois lane:

and this one:

he can do serious too:

look at him:

these gifs:

and finally:

michael ealy as clark kent 2k17

… how are you gonna talk about Superman qualities and not mention his jawline? 

Someone fucking start a Kickstarter or something, I need this more than oxygen.

(Source: tuathxde, via allgreymatters)

ma-at-thought:

cuttydarke:

fernacular:

Y’know, I really enjoy the concept of Clark Kent.

Like, minus the whole superman aspect.

because, like, okay I can buy that maybe he can disguise himself well enough to hide the fact that he’s superman, but i doubt any amount of slouching and glasses wearing can truly disguise that he’s a very tall EXTREMELY muscular man with a jawline that can cut glass.

So basically this newspaper office has this guy who looks like a weightlifter/supermodel just hanging around but he wears glasses and acts like a huge nerd and everyone just goes with it???

Like “Oh yeah, that’s Clark. No no he works here. Oh no don’t bother being intimidated by him, talk to him for five minutes and he’ll devolve into a lecture on proper tractor maintenance. We like Clark.”

 I wonder if the ladies in the office ever drag him with them to bars so they don’t have to worry about creeps trying to harass them like “back off creeps our friend here is 6′4″ and grew up chucking hay bales” 
And then it’s funny because (as far as they know) Clark is like, the meekest lil nerd around. (He don’t look it though!!!!)

It’s just incredible to me that Clark Kent can pull off being a quiet harmless dork while still looking like, well, superman. 

Do you think he occasionally turns up to the office Halloween party wearing a really shitty Batman costume?

Well, I do now.

(via wildehacked)