I don’t even know why we do this? Is it because our boobs get in our line of sight when we look down?
I know my roommate and I do it because we keep stuff in our bras, sometimes, but that doesn’t explain why we…like…hold on after we’ve confirmed it’s not there.
Just told one of my friends I owed her a favor and her immediate response was “I’ll call you when I need someone murdered” and without thinking I said “Do you want them to suffer or just disappear” so that’s who I am in the friend group
Ok so we all know that the answer to “Where did Captain America learn to
steal a car?” is “Nazi Germany” but I think the more pressing question
here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver’s license
Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
reach the pedals, has vision problems, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s, why on earth would he ever have learned to drive?
So this little bastard can’t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
all beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
lot, he still can’t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
looks at him and thinks “this strapping specimen of American hunkhood
obviously knows his way around a vehicle, let’s give him a motorcycle,”
and Steve “no parachute” Rogers is like “how hard could this be?” and
promptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.
So then he’s kickin’ ass, fightin’ Hydra, and it’s just months of Bucky being like
“give me the goddamn keys, Steven,” and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
encouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use “grenade” as code for “Rogers” when they’re reporting
why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it’s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that’s the third this month alone
So then he’s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
they’re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
the DMV, they’re all in complete awe in him and they’ve seen the old
reels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver’s license without any type of road test
they go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too
and steve is like …neat.
Ok so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone’s heading
somewhere and Steve gets in the driver’s seat and Buck’s like WHOA WHOA
WHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds?! Why is Steve driving, is
this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
plan for the vehicle to get blown up?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN
And Sam is all “what are you talking about, Steve’s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once”
And Buck is all “yes but have you seen him use a turn signal?”
And Steve’s like, “Listen, we never needed to ‘signal’ our ‘turns’ in Nazi Germany.”
whenever I’ve had a particularly bad day my friend will ask me what my favourite colour is because he knows that looking for the exact photo of the colour will distract me from whatever shitty thing happened that day
I hope you all have someone like this in your life
i wonder what effect wide-spread/public vampirism would have on the evolution of language
like i mean obviously i havent slept properly in like two days but seriously how does it evolve without the assistance of former generations dying out. do people use the words “grisbittyng” and “yolo” in the same sentence. are there parts of big cities where its like walking into a different century like are there neighbourhoods in chicago where people literally speak old english and the teachers at the schools use old english and like the people who live two blocks away speak a creole of ge’ez and polish and like. dude i want cultural implications of vampirism that go beyond bloodbanks i want linguistics and politics and medical science and history and religion, i want hypovolemic vampires who speak akkadian in the home and are devout worshippers of inanna and have a home care nurse to help with making sure the picc line theyre getting lactated ringers solution via isnt partially occluded!!! help
ok i have no excuse for this but
i just got my drivers license renewed and can you imagine the dol dealing with ‘what is your birthdate’ ‘august 27 1662′ ‘what’
but everyone else too, all the bureaucracy’s gonna be fucked
‘bloodtype?’ ‘no preference,just fresh’
‘sir are you a senior’ ‘i was born in the fifteenth century, i should hope so’ ‘sir i’ll need to see id’
and like—how do you deal with a population that’s collecting social security while being functionally 15 or 28 or 50 what do you do about them when they don’t die what does it mean to have a group whose physical ability is unchanging, is there a vampire draft, is there a separate database for vampire SSNs because they draw social security for different reasons what is going on with that
how do term limits work, is there a mandatory down period, or are vampires bound to the same term limits as mortals and if so are there protests about this
afa social security goes i would assume in this setting it would be based on physical ability rather than necessarily age for vampires, which is very similar to what it is for humans: you can get benefits if youre 65+ OR if you physically cannot work, id assume for vampires its just the latter or else “yeah ive been on retirement for 400 years” “you’re the size of a seven-year-old” “yeah and”
hypovolemia DOES NOT count if youre a vampire, some people seem to forget that. there’s IV saline as an adtl to blood, bc quite honestly vampires are wimps and “have you ever tried to drink blood that has half a cup of salt in it?? it’s disgusting”
oh dear god IDs the big question is ofc do they show up in photographs bc if not there is a big market for photo-realistic artists in the govt and in most big companies, bc IDs with descriptions are… pretty easy to bypass, especially when you’re immortal. i’ll bet some places have fun with it, like a lot of art students’ university IDs will be ridiculously stylised, possibly like cubist or some shit.
i assume there are systems in place to keep someone from being head of state for 700 years.
murder???? how do you solve a vampire’s murder how do you identify the victim is it like “so i found this pile of ashes, and this person went missing near here recently, i guess this is our person??” does no one even bother to investigate? i feel like vamps wouldnt put up with that
……Forensic scientists specializing in ash analysis.
Would vampires have to get special, like, carbon-nitrogen profiles done? Stuff that would stay in the ashes? “We did a molecular ratio test on the ash pile and the profile matches the following individuals quite closely.”
thats FASCINATING ngl, although like i wonder how the community feels abt it, like on one hand if someone gets murdered and theres no way to identify the remains ppl are gonna get pissed, if you mandate fancy tests ppl are gonna get pissed (like how they dont want to be fingerprinted since they “arent a criminal”, u know?), its all a mess
Okay, but guys: POLITICS. I mean okay, let’s be optimistic that effectively immortal people would willingly step down from power after a number of years in office. Given how addictive power can be, it’s questionable, but like I said, optimism, because otherwise everything is basically fucked and there will never ever be social or political change whatsoever with a monarch/president still subscribing to rigid old timey values.
But still. Imagine a UN convention where a representative of one country still has visceral firsthand memories of how that dude across the room once served as a general in the war that tore his country apart. Or a Congress where former slaves and slave owners have to sit next to each other. Or a forward-thinking president trying to pass a law about gender equality when a significant segment of the population were raised in an era where women were considered property. HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK???
How would prison/criminal punishment work for vampires? I mean, the motivation against being in prison for humans is kind of that we have limited lifespans, so it matters if we spend twenty-five of them locked up for murder, but if you’re looking at eternity does it even matter? How do you enforce laws when the person in question is immortal and nigh-invulnerable? Do you charge a vampire with murder if they accidentally kill a donor or do you treat it as manslaughter? After all, the vampire knew they were technically risking the person’s life and (assuming that vampires have some degree of moral compass and got consent for said blood suckery) so did the donor. Are there contracts? Are there supervised donor cafes, where humans can get a hearty meal after, y’know, being a hearty meal, all under the protective watch of someone ready to save their neck if things get dangerous? What if vampires have a starvation point, where they lose cogency and are no longer considered mentally fit to make their own decisions, and kill someone in that state? Are they culpable for those crimes later, after their mind comes back to them?
Holy fuck, what about turning people? Do humans have a note on their license like you do for organ donations, indicating whether or not they can be turned into a vampire in the event of massive trauma that would otherwise prove fatal? (HOLY FUCK are there vampire paramedics who are good at treating injuries but are mostly sent to MCI’s, sent in to triage the wounded and find those who are actively dying and search them for the card or get their permission and turn them, leaving the wreckage of buses and car crashes with a clutch of frightened new vampires? Do they offer therapy to these vampire paramedics? I am concerned about these vampire paramedics now, is it considered a freakish occupation choice or the indication of the highest caliber of control and selflessness, to expose yourself to so much blood?) Is there counseling offered in cancer wards and to those with lethal illnesses, weighing the benefits and issues of immortality? Is there a minimum age, preventing infants born with minimal APGAR scores being turned? Is there a mandate that the actual potentially-turned person has to give consent, and do they have to be over the age of consent to do so, or just over the age where they can comprehend what’s happening? Is it murder if you turn someone without their consent? Could you have people testifying at their own murder trials, or would you have to invent an entirely new category of crime?
