Anonymous asked: I told my dad that I'm nonbinary and now he won't stop saying shit like"I raised you better than this"and"where's my little girl gone"and"you were supposed to be the normal child" (i was adopted because my parents wanted a successful child and my sister has asbergers and my brother has a reading disability and a stutter) and he keeps making comments about God when he has been divorced twice and I dont even believe and I don't know what to do and this has been going on for months and I'm so tired
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to fix the situation for you–there’s nothing more insidious than people who are supposed to care unconditionally telling you that you’re guilty of the crime of existing. It sits in your heart and eats at you, like something living, more than any other cruelty I’m familiar with. Combined with the idea that you’re supposed to be in some way ‘better’ than the people around you–more intelligent, more socially adept, more well-spoken, more normal, whatever–it’s toxic like nothing else. I know that it probably feels like everything you do and everything you are is a personal failing of your willpower and your strength, right now, and I want you to take me seriously when I say it is not.
It’s not. You are not failing the test of being human because of your looks, because of your gender, because of who you love or what you enjoy, because of what you do or don’t believe. No matter what kind of abuse the people who claim to care about you heap on your shoulders, they are wrong about this. Your brother and your sister aren’t failures because their brains are wired up differently than the ‘norm’, and you’re not a failure because you’re nonbinary, or because of the way you present.
And because I know a thing or two about being the family failure while also being touted as the family genius, let me add: you’re not responsible for why your parents adopted you. You aren’t beholden to their idea of a ‘successful’ child, and nor are you selfish or monstrous because your parents were arrogant enough to write your siblings off. You are, ultimately, far more the person you choose to be than the person your parents make you, and your parents cannot force you to become like them.
And it’s hard to remember these things. I’m not going to lie to you. You said you were tired–oh, sweetheart, this globe-sprawling clan of people who have come out of terrible families, we’re all tired. But we’re none of us failures because we’re tired. We’re none of us weak, or broken, or monsters because we’re tired. We’re alive, and goddamn, some days that is good enough.
It’s taken me years to settle on this, and trust me, there are a ton of days where I still struggle with it, but here is my one piece of advice I can offer you–and a weak and paltry thing it is, in the face of a situation like yours, but it’s all I have for you, my dear one. The world is not an exam. No one can give you a pass or a failure on this, no matter who you are or what you do or how your brain works or whatever. You are succeeding by the mere fact of being alive.
Anonymous asked: I have spring break next week and I am legit terrified because on campus I dont have a scale but at home I do and I dont know how I am going to deal if I become obsessed with trying to watch the numbers drop again. I have spent this whole school year trying to overcome my eating disorder and I haven't been home since August but my dad wants me home for spring break and I dont know what to do. I have the worst anxiety about this and I know it's bad but it is like a habit when I am home.
Okay, sweetie, the first thing I want you to know is that I’m really proud of you for fighting against this. What I always tell people is that free fall is effortless–whether it’s free fall into depression or anxiety or an ED or whatever. Climbing back up is work, and I’m really impressed with how tough you are to apply yourself to that work.
Second of all, everything you’re saying makes complete sense. You’re not crazy, it’s so easy to slip back into a habit, I know it. But the fact that you’re aware enough to recognize the habit, and recognize the threat of slipping back into it, that means you’ve already made incredible progress, sweetie. And I want you to know that you’re not crazy to worry–the human brain really likes its patterns and habits, it’s wired to click back into old ruts and it takes a lot of strength to be wary of that.
So, as far as coping goes, I have a couple of suggestions.
The easiest and most direct would be to get rid of the scale at home if you can. If you feel like you can’t do it yourself, maybe you could ask someone else to come and take it instead. If your dad is aware of your situation, he might be able to help you. Asking will be hard–really hard. But you’ve been really strong to work to recover so far, and if you’re that committed, I believe in your ability to ask.
If that’s not an option, or if that’s not enough–and absolutely no judgement on either of those–it might help to have someone to keep you accountable. Someone to talk to, or message, every day and say “I didn’t check my weight at all” or “I ate three meals today” or “I’m really struggling today” or whatever it is that you feel like you need in order to be supported. If you have a close friend who’s aware of the situation, you might be able to ask them. If not, you can feel absolutely free to message me instead, on or off anon, whichever makes you more at ease.
Finally, I’m going to give you the advice I dole out to everyone I know who’s struggling with a mental illness. Go easy on yourself. Don’t hang yourself out to dry for missing a meal, when that energy could be applied to the next challenge. Have some sympathy for yourself. Be gentle, if you can, and cut yourself some slack. This is hard. This is work. Be willing to acknowledge that, and be aware of how much you’ve accomplished already. If there’s anything I can do for you, honey, don’t be afraid to ask.
Anonymous asked: Quick question. How does one actually make a resume? I need to get another job and no one in my family is being helpful about it even though it will be our main source of income and I havent technically had to build a resume since 2015 and I am freaking out a little bit.
Okay…not gonna lie my dude, my resume is pretty thin on the ground (I’m in college), but LET’S SEE WHAT WE’VE GOT. (Also I am procrastinating my thesis which is VERY MUCH DUE IN TWO MONTHS, so take my life advice with, like, a fistful of salt.)
First, take a couple deep breaths. Everyone has to learn how to do the resume thing. You’re not alone in feeling out of your depth, I’m on a campus of 400 right now and every single person agrees with you.
So, okay, the main point of a resume is to sell yourself. The most important thing here is that you probably have to balance truth with…generous exaggeration. Obviously don’t claim you can do something you don’t know how to do, because that’ll bite you in the ass. But hey, do you make photosets or gifsets for Tumblr? You are a Photo Editor, slap that shit on your Skills section. This post talks some more about how millennials and people who’ve grown up in the Internet Age have the edge on that. Make sure to lean on your ability to learn new skills–I am an Excel expert not so much because I took a class on Excel, but because over the summer I attended a research fellowship where everyone sucked at Excel. So I Googled a motherfucker and now I’m real good at Excel and teaching my biochem teacher how to do a double-reciprocal plot. If you don’t know how to do something now, you can definitely learn–pitch that. This post has some more stuff about learning to sell yourself. Master the elevator pitch for why you yourself are great for the job. If you’re like me, you’ll probably have to tell your anxiety and self-esteem issues to suck a dick every five minutes, BUT DO IT ANYWAY. You are great. Your resume is intended to inform the rest of the world of this incontrovertible truth.
NOW. The resume itself. Some basics of the resume structure include:
Cover letter (this is your opening pitch–make it good, especially since an employer might have hundreds of resumes on their desk) (this is the WikiHow page, which has some good examples for format)
Resume body (this can be chronological, meaning listed by date, which is more traditional and will appeal more to older readers, functional, meaning listed by task, which is more practical for someone who’s either been out of work or who’s changing careers, or combination, which is pretty much what it says on the tin)
Experience/Skills (THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE, USE THOSE TWO POSTS UP THERE AND ALSO THIS ONE, INCLUDE PROFESSIONAL SKILLS AND ALSO INTERPERSONAL SKILLS) (YOU’RE GREAT–REMIND THEM)
Education (include the where and when, also your GPA might help if you did really well)
Awards, if applicable (I myself do not have anything whatsoever to put here, but if you do, props, do it)
Personal Interests (look dude, if they’ve gotten this far, they want to know if they could tolerate working with you–this is your opportunity to convince them)
@words-writ-in-starlight you always give such great advice even if someone doesn’t ask the question it is still relevant to everyone. I made a thing with my favorite tag you use. (Is this considered fanart?? I have no idea) Enjoy
THIS IS SO AMAZING
SUCH A GOOD, WOW, HIGHLIGHT OF A VERY SHITTY WEEK, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Anonymous asked: I'm so stressed right now because my family is making me go to a celebrate Trump party and I have to act like the perfect straight conservative daughter that I'm not and I dont know how I'm going to live with this and I have zero choice in the matter
Oh, sweetheart. Oh, baby, I wish to God I could give you a hug and promise I could protect you from this whole disaster. But I can’t, and I wish I could tell you something that would magically make it easier to get through this, but I can’t do that either.
So here’s this. You are not wrong in your beliefs. You are not wrong in your identity. Your parents might not know, or they might not agree, or they might even believe they can ‘fix’ you, but you don’t need to be fixed, I promise you. You are not alone, facing this, even if it might feel otherwise.
And that’s the critical part, I think. The power in an administration like Trump’s comes from making people like you, and like me, people who stand in a minority, feel alone. It comes from making us believe that we are facing an unstoppable onrushing tide, with no one to help us or hold us up when we falter, because it is so easy to trample over a single frightened person. And it is so easy, when you’re that single frightened person, to crumple.
But you’re not alone, sweetheart. You’re not. Our greatest strength for the next four years is our unity. We stand together, hand in hand, and we do not abandon one another to the tide, we work together to pile up sandbags against it. So you’ll live through this, sweetheart. I promise. With me, and with hundreds of thousands of others around the world. We won’t let you be swept away.
Take a hand, sweetheart, and do not go gentle into that good night.
Hey, honey, I know it can be scary to suddenly have your self-image change as drastically as something like this can. So first, take a deep breath and let it out. You’re the same person you were yesterday, a week ago, a year ago, you’re just learning something new about yourself. Discovering stuff like this isn’t about adding stuff you didn’t have before, it’s like pulling something out of the attic and dusting it off. It was always there, you’re just ready to look at it now.
Second of all, congratulations, honey! Not on being gay, although my queer ass welcomes you to the party. But it’s hard to acknowledge something like this, even to yourself, and I’m so, so proud of you for being that strong. I’m honored that you told me, that you felt like you could tell me, and I hope I live up to that honor.
And third of all: it’s okay. It’s okay to be gay, honey. I don’t know what your situation looks like, but I want that to be clear. This is a part of you, a part of your heart, and it’s okay. If you find that you’re bi, that you’re pan, that you’re just figuring shit out, that’s okay too. If anybody gives you shit for this, I’ll punch them in the fucking face for you.
There are always going to be people who want you to be ashamed of who you love, the color of your skin, the shape of your body, the quirks of your mind. And fuck them, honey. Fuck them, straight to hell.
I love ya, honey. I hope this was a little helpful for you.
Anonymous asked: So far 2017 has been the worst. My dad is in the hospital and has a ripped kidney my dog ran away and she is a tiny dog and we dont even know if shes alive and I haven't slept since the first and I have the worst headache and I dont know what to do
Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix it for you. At the very least, I can offer some tricks that work for me when I have a migraine, try and fix at least part of it?
Take a Benadryl with some caffeine, if both of those things interact well with your system. Benadryl is an antihistamine and caffeine is a vasoconstrictor, so they help with swelling. This might be the only time I recommend someone mixing an upper and a downer.
Put on a tight hat. I have no science to support this, but it works.
Sit somewhere dark and quiet (obviously), but if you’re like me and you don’t like silence, some familiar music can help because you know the rhythm well enough not to startle yourself.
I know some people recommend, like, peppermint oil dabbed at the points where the pain is worst? I’ve never tried this, but hey.
I can also tell you that, if you’ve gotta damage an organ, the reason for having two kidneys is because they get damaged a lot. The hospital is the best possible place for your dad, but on the other hand I know that’s not helpful, because it’s still your dad who’s hurt and that’s so, so hard.
As for the rest of it…God, it’s so terrible when everything is falling apart around you. When things are going to shit because you made a mistake or a bad decision, at least you can pinpoint the why, you know? When it’s just because everything is going wrong all at once, it’s like everything spinning apart around you with no ground left to stand on. You’re gonna live through this, baby, even though I know it might not seem like it, and you can totally feel free to come into my inbox whenever you want to talk, okay?
Anonymous asked: Our dog ran away today because my brother and his best friend accidentally let her out and started chasing her and I have spent 8 hours looking for her and now it is dark and I don't know what to do.
Oh, honey, I’m not going to lie, that sounds absolutely awful. I’m so sorry this is happening, and I wish I could tell you that there’s some miracle secret to fixing this. Hell, I wish I could come and fix it myself. As it is, all I can tell you is that this too shall pass, one way or another, and that you’ll survive, and offer a few pieces of advice that you might/might not have tried already.
Contact all your local animal shelters, give them a description of your dog and her name, and then ask them to call you if a dog matching that description comes in. Visit them in person, if you can, and check back frequently. If you don’t have a shelter nearby, try contacting the police department.
Post notices in grocery stores, community centers, etc. I’d focus on areas where pet owners tend to be common, such as pet stores and the vet’s office, because another pet owner is more likely to come through for you.
If you decide to post a reward, be cautious of people who report in just in hopes of getting the reward. I’d suggest leaving out one distinguishing feature about your dog (if possible–my black Lab, for example, is just…black, not a lot of distinguishing features to speak of) and then asking the people who claim they have her to describe her in detail.
And most of all, don’t give up hope, all right, sweetie? Pets have been found after months. I hope this pans out well for you, baby, keep me posted and let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel better, okay?
so i get a lot of asks about lipstick, because i wear it a lot and talk about it a lot and tend to speak in declarative sentences. but since i usually end up saying basically the same thing, i figured i’d just put it all in one place.
first of all let me say: i fucking love lipstick. if i had been consulted at the beginning of the world, my top contribution would have been, “make sure society is real chill about everyone wearing lipstick who wants to, regardless of gender. make that a priority. right after that we can address why you felt the need to create cockroaches.”
here are just a few reasons why lipstick is the bomb-dot-com:
you can just change!!!! the whole color palette!!! of your face!!!
the second you put lipstick on, you are instantly the star of a music video. what’s your jam right now? turn that shit on. look at yourself in the mirror. you’re now in a hella artsy one-shot music video where it’s just you in the mirror looking FRESH. TO. DEATH.
remember when you were four-ish and your school or your parents or your one friend with all the nice shit brought out that 64-shade box of crayola crayons and your WHOLE BODY started vibrating because you were SO PUMPED about crayons?
lipstick is like that, except you get to put those crayons on your face.
don’t act like you didn’t want to rub those crayons all over your face when you were four.
don’t you lie to me. i’m your FIBS. we’re family.
anyway, the point is, wearing lipstick is the best. you should wear whatever color you want, whenever you want, but if you’re feeling ambivalent about it, here’s how i, personally, decide when to wear what.
TWO NOTES:
NOTE 1: just because this is how i do it does not mean it is the right or only way to do it. i’ll bet this is not how rosario dawson does it, and lbr, if we could all be more like rosario dawson and less like me, we would be.
NOTE 2: if you are of a gender that society likes 2 be a dickbag to about wearing lipstick, and someone is a dickbag to you about wearing lipstick, listen. i will spit in their mouths. okay? you look amazing. you look way better than those dickbags.
LIPSTICK: YOUR GUIDE TO PUTTING CRAYONS ALL OVER YOUR FACE.
REDS
there are two reasons to wear red lipstick. the first is that you want to be and feel so smokin hot that there is not a single person in the world who doesn’t look at you and go, “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?”
the second is if you wake up and think to yourself, “i would like today to be that gif of obama kicking open a door. just the whole day. fuck you, doors.”
PINKS
pink is to red what a TV episode is to a whole season. pink is mr. darcy saying, “i love you, most ardently,” where red is that scene in brokeback mountain where they do it for the first time.
red hits you over the noggin. pink probably winks at you across the room from the party. you’re like, “WHAT DOES THAT WINK MEAN?”
pink shrugs. “idk,” says pink. “figure it out.”
pink probably runs an Aesthetic Blog.
you probably follow it, even though as a general rule you hate Aesthetic Blogs.
my point here is that pink can have a hundred thousand different uses and applications, dependent on the shade. nicki minaj wears lots of different pinks. do you feel like you want to be gently pushed on a swing in a meadow by your doting lover, who calls you my sweet? that’s a desperately light pink. do you want to make a point about femininity not being a synonym for weakness? that’s a probably magenta. maybe pastel, but aggressive neon. probably, but not necessarily, matte.
pink is complicated. so are you. embrace pink.
PURPLES
wear purple when you want someone riding a bicycle to crash into a flower stand because they are distracted by your striking beauty while you walk down the street. for this particular feeling, the darker the purple, the better. like the dark purple skin of a perfect plum. nothing says “bored luxury” like plum lipstick.
lighter purples are trickier. lighter purples are great for Nighttime Parties, particularly Nighttime Parties Where You’re Going Out To A Space Designed For Copious Public Drinking. i personally only wear neon purples in clubs–which is to say, i never wear neon purples–but i have a friend who wears them to brunch, and to be honest she brings the hotness of the whole group up an entire level. if you’re wearing neon purple, you are immediately the most important person at the table, so wear it on days when you want to wield that power for good, not evil.
MAROONS
maroon is a Business Lipstick. a Workplace Lipstick. maroon says, “i’m hot as shit, but i’m also incredibly competent.” maroon lipstick says, “i’m not here to talk shit about nancy at the water cooler, todd. i’m here to do my job, and do it better than both of you.”
maroon lipstick says, “yes, you should promote me.”
maroon lipstick says, “I’M AN ADULT. I MIGHT OWN A TOASTER THAT BURNS THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS LOGO INTO MY BREAD, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM AN ADULT.”
or, you know. whatever.
that’s just an example.
maroon lipstick also goes with pretty much everything. i always keep a tube of maroon lipstick in my purse in case of emergency.
NUDES
“nude” is a complicated question, because it covers such a wide range of skin tones. like, lupita nyong’o and i have wildly different ideas of what color makes our lips “nude.” so this section isn’t really about a color, but more of whatever-color-nude-is-YOUR-color-nude. it’s a category, not a shade.
nudes are good for a lot of occasions. nudes are good for looking like a Hot Young Parent Whose Partner Took The Kids For The Day. nudes are good for “I Just Woke Up Like This.” nudes are good for Sunday Meal With Your Parents. nudes are good for that scene at climax of a romance movie where for some reason you, as the protagonist, are standing in the rain, and you are crying because you’re in love with somebody but something with a capital S has come between you. they’re also good for a montage about you getting shit done in your life, like cleaning your apartment or studying for an exam or packing to leave for a long trip abroad.
i recommend gentle music when you’re wearing nudes. really poetic, emotional shit. joni mitchell. the avett brothers. tracy chapman.
you know what? scratch that. just put on “fast car.” listen to “fast car” on repeat the whole time you’re wearing nudes.
ORANGES
look, i’ll be honest. i don’t know. i don’t trust orange. i’ve seen people look beautiful in orange lipstick but it makes me think they’re hiding something.
are you hiding something? wear orange.
BLUES/GREENS/ANYTHING “WILDLY OUTSIDE THE REALM OF HUMAN FACE COLORS”
there is no right time to wear these colors. there is also no wrong time.* a few examples:
it’s the weekend.
you just got back from “woofstock,” a dog festival.
you genuinely love dubstep (for some reason).
you genuinely love the new ryn weaver album (for obvious reasons).
fucking todd at work brought in VEGETABLES WITH HUMMUS instead of a cake for his birthday. i mean, it’s your birthday, todd, but like, VEGETABLES WITH HUMMUS???? for your BIRTHDAY??? god, who even raised you.
*a small correction: maybe don’t wear these at funerals. i’d stick with neutrals or maroons at funerals.
A BRIEF ADDITIONAL NOTE
when it comes to applying lipstick in public (rather than, idk, excusing yourself to the bathroom or whatever), i’m of two minds. on the one hand, it pleases me to imagine that people just think that my mouth is always this color, even when there is no conceivable blend of genetics that could render me with a sparkly purple mouth.
on the other hand, like, fuck it, you know? whenever i catch someone watching me apply lipstick in public i kind of feel like that part in the “feeling myself” music video where beyoncé is wearing a chicago bulls one-piece and goes, “i stop the world! world, stop.”
ourjamesvata asked: Hey. Sorry to bother you, I see your post about healthcare in POC and women. I'm a med student and I struggle to find resources about that (specially in my language -french-). My school book dont say anything about that. Do you have any tips ? Thanks
Mmmmkay, I don’t really have time right this second to do an appropriately thorough scouring of the internet to find some books or resources for you–which I will do when I’m not writing a thesis, because I should have some resources to reference–and I’m not supremely comfortable giving out how-to-medicine advice, but I will tell you a couple things that have helped me.
The only thing that really works: ask someone. Just do it. Find a doctor or an EMT or whoever is on hand who you trust to answer you, and ask them outright. It works best if you have a justified starting point, something like “Okay, so if that’s how I check for cyanosis on a fair-skinned person, how would I check for cyanosis on a person with dark skin?” (You check the inside of the lip, by the way.) Or “How should this intake procedure be different if my patient is trans?” Or “Should I ask any additional questions about vaccinations/previous illness if my patient is a traveler or immigrant?” Or “What if my patient has a pre-existing disability?” Or “Does this chest examination need to be conducted differently if my patient is a large-chested woman?”
Be polite while you’re doing the asking. More often than not, it’s a problem the other person has noticed too, and it’s not that individual’s fault that humanity has spent 2000+ years screwing itself over on this subject. Also, these questions make people uncomfortable, and being rude will decrease your odds of getting an answer.
Listen to non-doctors in the affected populations. If a woman you know has a laundry list of complaints about not being listened to by a doctor, assume she’s not being histrionic. If you know a black guy who says he was fucked over by the EMTs after he was sideswiped by a car or fell from a ladder or spiked a 105 F fever (40.5 C), he doesn’t need an MD to know he wasn’t treated as well as he should have been. If you know a trans woman who was repeatedly referred to as ‘he’ in the hospital, take note. Decide not to be that kind of doctor, and then pay attention to how you act.
Listen to the nurses around you. First of all, that’s a good general rule, the nurses probably know more than you and nurses are treated terribly by a lot of doctors. Behind every successful doctor is a whole host of nurses who probably haven’t been thanked.
But moreover, nurses spend a lot of time with the patients, and they’re the ones who field complaints about the doctors. They’ll know who gets fucked over and who doesn’t, and they know all the secrets to the medical trade.
Be attentive to your patient (unfortunately this is the ‘learn on the job’ part of the answer). If a woman expresses discomfort with the normal proceedings of an examination, listen to her. If a patient prefers name and pronouns not matching those on their legal documentation, adhere to their request. Be aware that there are some conditions which are more common in people of specific ethnicities–for example, black women have a higher incidence of breast cancer and a lower statistical chance of having it caught by a doctor than a white woman.
Ultimately, I’d say decide what kind of doctor you want to be. If you’re already asking this question, that’s a good start, and telling about how you’ll act as a doctor. Be self-aware of how you act with patients of various genders, ethnicities, etc. In a perfect world, it would be the responsibility of the medical school to teach that behavior and ensure that all the students were able to treat people other than the cis white able-bodied male ‘standard patient.’ This is not a perfect world, and that means it’s on you.
I…feel like this was pretty unhelpful and round-about, but I hope it at least gave you a starting place? I think you’re doing great because it occurred to you to ask this question, keep it up.
