Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

cloudfreed:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer: The cyclops asks you who you are. What do you do?

Odysseus’s player: I say, “Who me? I’m nobody.”

Homer: Roll for deception.

Odysseus’s player: I got a natural 20.

Homer: The cyclops now completely believes that your name is Nobody. He shouts for help from the other cyclops but they ignore him because he’s telling them that “Nobody hurt him.”

Odysseus’s player: FUCK yes

(via thetruegayagenda)

a very short star wars meta

uncle-whisky:

jumpingjacktrash:

in the first movie, when leia got rescued, she was expecting some kind of actual military operatives with things like a plan and an exit strategy and a working vehicle. this is why she was so salty about instead being rescued by basically the duke brothers and an angry carpet in a past-warranty space winnebago.

like when the bad guys capture a diplomat you’re supposed to send mission impossible, not cheech & chong

Leia wanted a full D&D party, and what she got was a Rogue with no Bluff, a wizard who left his spell sheet at home, and a barbarian who made charisma his highest score.

(via clockwork-mockingbird)

caniplaywithyourorgans:

vilesbian:

helpimbeingchasedbywaltwhitman:

*writes I LIKE GIRLS on every other page of my journals so future historians don’t try to insist that I’m straight”

Future straight Historians: “we see several examples of her prioritizing a sisterly bond with the women around her, for example on page 12 she says ‘I like girls’ and throughout the text she references loving women and preferring their company. This is not to say she prioritized above her romantic relationships because on page 78 she mentions talking to a man one time in her life. It’s hard to know just how much she valued her sisterly bond with women due to this one reference of men and the ambiguity of early 21st century slang. For example on page 12 when she said she liked women, the passage continues ’…in a lesbian way. I want to kiss girls, they are so pretty, I’m so gay.’ Now it’s difficult to understand just what that sentence means. We know that in the early 21st century kissing on the cheek in greeting had gone out of vogue but the word gay, a word with an archaic meaning of happiness gives the contextual clues that perhaps she is references that old fashioned practice.

Going back to the nameless man that is mentioned once on page 78 for one sentance…”

@words-writ-in-starlight 

plebeiantologist:

ok but have any of you thought about pacific rim from the perspective of the precursors 

it’s like. you just bought a new house, but it’s infested with termites, so you call the exterminator thinking “alright, yeah, just get those termites gone and then we can get moved in” 

the exterminator drops off the face of the planet. you never hear from them again. so you send in another, and you just keep sending them, and it’s always the same. you’re wondering if there’s something up by this point. 

and then one of them comes back, battle-torn and bedraggled like “THE TERMITES HAVE BUILT HUMAN-SIZED CONSTRUCTS OUT OF SAWDUST AND SCRAP WIRING AND ONE ESTABLISHED A PSYCHIC LINK WITH ME.” 

by this point you’re saying “what the entire fuck.” 

so you call in the best of the best, the Elite exterminators, and guess what? the termites slaughter them all in a coordinated assault, and then come to your house disguised as one of the exterminators and set off a pipe bomb in your garage. 

man, that’d be a trip and a half

(via fuckyeahpacificrim)

the-meme-monarch:

usnavis-hat:

casper-the-friendly-being:

kabuki-akuma:

dzzjjjtttwubwubwubwub:

mutant-kidzz:

awkwardontheoutside:

adcacai:

acquaintedwithrask:

strawberry-fox:

live-love-laurens:

xxdarkwing:

21st Century AU fic where the founding fathers write the Declaration of Independence using Google Docs

“You guys! Stop deleting everything I write!”

“Unalienable!”
“Inalienable!”

I’M LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC

“SO HELP ME I WILL LOCK THIS DOCUMENT IF YOU DON"T STOP CHANGING THE FONT SIZE JOHN HANCOCK!!!”

“STOP HIGHLIGHTING EVERYTHING!”

“WHO DELETED THE ENTIRE FUCKING DOCUMENT!”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT DECLARING OUR INDEPENDENCE IN COMIC SANS”

“GOUVERNUER MORRIS WILL YOU PLEASE STOP ADDING ‘IN BED’ AFTER EVERY LINE”

ladyhistory

This is a thing of beauty.

I-I found it???? The post???? The post™

imagine one for the new U.S. constitution 

“why is the red line under Pensylvania”

“bc that’s not how it’s spelled alexander”

“I am like, 100% positive I spelled it right”

“Pennsylvania has two n’s”

“No???”

(via lathori)

history-jokes:

the best story i think i’ve ever heard at a party was from this ex-Lutheran who was absolutely shitfaced and told us all about the origins of Lutherism bc it’s so??? incredible??? apparently martin luther was this like twenty-one year old college student and atheist (of course) and he’s walking home during this thunderstorm, just soaking wet, miserable, probably cussing out the god he supposedly doesn’t believe in, and he gets struck by lightning, which, obviously, sucks. he’s probably pissed as hell because he’s miraculously alive but also probably in a lot of pain, probably cursing god’s name yet again, and he gets struck by lightning a second time like??? What the fuck!!! how unlucky is that!! and so now he’s running for a forest to hide underneath the trees, once again furious at god, and he gets struck by lightning for the third time!!! so he finally makes it to the trees, probably crispy as hell, exhausted and in pain and he drops to his knees and says basically “god, please, for fucks sake, stop hitting me with lightning. I swear if you leave me alone i’ll go to a monastery and become a monk and re-invent this religion i guess but please just leave me alone” and he’s not struck by lightning again so he becomes a monk like??? i’m not Lutheran so i don’t know how accurate this drunk re-telling is but i believe it whole-heartedly and have gained a healthy respect for the wrath of god

lainybunbuns:

rrueplumet:

i love prince eric.  from the little mermaid.  he’s hilarious.  because he seems like one of the most mild-mannered and unassuming princes in the disney canon, but he is also one of the few to actively kill the bad guy.   most disney villains die by consequence of the final battle but are not directly killed by the hero/heroine.  most of them fall to their deaths or cause their own demise, and sometimes the hero is indirectly responsible because they’ll launch them into that direction or something, but they still don’t bring knife to heart directly.  

but then a couple do.  and prince eric is my fave out of those few because up until the final act, he is the most chill motherfucker u ever seen.  like he is quick to spring to action during the storm scene n stuff, but otherwise?  he’s really quiet n sensitive and runs along the beach playing the flute for his big shaggy dog n he smiles like a lil nerd and gets all cute around ariel and he’s so sweet n everything.

AND THEN IN THE FINAL BATTLE THAT MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT UP DRIVES A SHIP THROUGH URSULA LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!  NO WONDER NO ONE IS TRYIN TO LAY SIEGE TO HIS KINGDOM!!  ALL THE NEIGHBOURS ARE LIKE “HOLY SHIT DON’T GO THERE! PRINCE ERIC IS A BEAST!  HE’LL STRAIGHT UP DRIVE A BOAT THROUGH YOUR BITCH!”

i love him

At the beginning of the movie Prince Eric, without hesitation, jumps into the ocean, in the middle of a storm, and climbs onto a ship that’s on fire, all to rescue his dog.

Then when he’s convinced some mystery woman saved him, he starts looking for her just to thank her. On his way, he meets some mute naked teenage girl who can’t even walk or dress herself, confirms that she’s not the girl he’s looking for, then brings her to stay at his castle anyway, for no particular reason.

No one questions this, just like they don’t question when he shows up three days later with a mysterious woman one morning and says he’s getting married that same day. At said wedding, several witnesses see his fiance turn into a sea monster, which he then murders by piloting a submerged ship pulled up from the bottom of the ocean straight into her.

A week later, he marries the mute girl and the god of the sea himself rises from the ocean to give his blessings. Again, no one questions this.

I’m convinced that Eric had to have done some crazy insane stunts on a regular basis, cause despite him being so chill and relaxed normally, no one bats an eyelash at any of his ridiculous decisions or incredible feats during the course of the film. Clearly they’re all used to it, and rumours of him marrying an ocean princess would only dissuade potential enemies of his country even further.

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)