there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D
homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriendHomer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*ok, but like odysseus’s player was definitely the asshole who fucks up every plot point homer wanted to introduce into the story. agamemnon accidentally orders everybody to go home and the troops are about to set sail? odysseus’s diplomacy modifier says otherwise. some asshole’s trying to provoke mutiny and desertion in the ranks? an intimidate check makes it not a problem. they’re losing battle after battle? stealth check into the enemy camp and straight up sneak attack the sleeping trojan allies to death. achilles is dead and the war is all but lost? FUCK YOU my giant wooden horse and my bluff beg to differ.
when it comes time for odysseus to play his solo campaign, the DM just rubs his hands together ominously and laughs.
there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D
homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriendHomer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*Homer, the DM: You spot your enemy in battle. What do you do?
Paris’ player: I fire an arrow at him, ignoring his armor. *rolls a 6 for accuracy*
Homer, the DM: You hit him where he has no armor, but in a non-vital area.
Achilles’ player: Damage done?
Paris’ player: *rolls a natural 20, gets a 4 point bonus from Rage*
Homer, the DM: Lethal.
Achilles’ player: Fuck…Homer, the DM: Alright, your wife’s suitors are attempting to string your bow. *rolls behind screen a few times* A few of them fail miserably.
Odysseus’s player: Alright, let me try. I pick up the bow.
Homer, the DM: The suitors begin laughing and jeering at you. Give me a strength check.
Odysseus’s player: *rolls nat 20*
Homer, the DM: You string the bow. Thunder booms. A cat dies in a nearby house. One of the suitors busts a nut. Your glamour is starting to wear off.
Odysseus’s player: As my glamour wears off, I shoot an arrow through all three hoops at the target. *rolls nat 20*
Homer, the DM: The arrow flies through the hoops and skewers the target. The suitors notice your glamour wear off and are terrified. None of them have ever seen you in person, though, so none of them recognise you.
Odysseus’s player: Alright, I shoot them.
Homer, the DM: Shoot who?
Odysseus’s player: The suitors.
Homer, the DM: Which ones?
Odysseus’s player: *pauses for a second* Yes.
(via beauty-nova)
I just love the myth of Persephone, i mean the real, original version of it, because it’s not like she got kidnapped, no, this bitch was la-de-da-ing in a meadow and she just happened to find an entrance to the Underworld and she was like “Imma check this out”. And she just wanders into the Underworld and discovers that hey this place ain’t too bad.
Meanwhile Hades is in the background “????? UM??? PRETTY GIRL??? WHY ARE YOU HERE?????? YOU AREN’T DEAD???”
And Persephone (who was originally called Kore just a little fyi) just looked at him and said “I like it here. I’m staying.”
And Hades kinda just went with it, until Demeter started throwing the temper tantrum of the millenium upstairs and Zeus had to intervene because this shit was getting out of hand and its actually his job to be admistrator of justice. Which considering the shit he gets up to is kinda histerical but that’s another story there.
And basically Persephone wasn’t a prisoner or kidnap victim at all she just really loved the Underworld and her (eventual) husband, and the Greeks feared her arguably more than her husband because Hades could be reasoned with but Persephone was the one laying the smack down on sinners, and really, who wouldn’t be at least a little scared of someone who’s name means something along the lines of “the destroyer”
Basically, Persephone is amazing and everbody needs to get on her level
i think the best part of that myth is that Zeus decided to change Kore’s name to Persephone (basically “the one who brings chaos”) only because she wanted to stay in the underworld and SHE WOULDN’T FUCKING LISTEN then Zeus, all-mighty king of the gods, kinda gives up and goes “fine, but you’re going to visit your mom” “also, I changed your name” “get rekt”
Also, if I’m not mistaken, Kore means “little girl” so imagine going from that to “chaos bringer”
I mean, going from little girl to chaos bringer sounds like a p solid deal to me, sign me up.
This may not be the version of the myth that’s commonly known and taught. But is is the original, from before it was altered to scare Greek/Roman girls into submission. Persephone was a badass bitch.
(via slyrider)
@asphodel-grimoire on the subject of sister feels: Athena and Artemis
1) Totally got shouted at a lot by Demeter when Persephone skipped town because YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HER and I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU and YOU TWO ACT LIKE YOU’RE GROWNUPS HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN and at first Athena is trying to reason with her (Athena gets angry in a cold fashion) and Artemis crosses her arms and scowls more and more intently (Artemis gets angry in a murder-everyone fashion), but by the end of it they are just so tired of hearing Demeter’s voice that they basically walk away with her still scowling behind them. They lay very, very low for the next few days.
2) They were picking flowers with Persephone. The goddess of war, aegis-bearer, helmed and spear-wielding, was out picking violets and roses and idk braiding them into flower crowns for the goddess of wild animals, huntress, death to maidens and mothers alike. Like. Can we process that.
3) tbh Athena probably likes spending time with Artemis and her nymphs because it’s practically the only place that no one acts shocked over a) her weapons or b) her femininity or especially c) the fact that she is both at once. Like I realize Athena is remarkably unfeminine in terms of her own actions and presentation, but it seems plausible to me that she finds a unique relaxation in the company of the other warrior goddess, especially her sister who chose to embrace her gender while also demanding the destructive capabilities of her twin brother. There’s so much to explore here! Artemis doesn’t act faux-shocked for laughs when Athena carefully brushes out her hair before pinning it meticulously into place. “omg you brush your hair?? I would’ve thought you’d chopped it all off by now! wow it’s almost like you’re a girl!!!!” – that is not a thing Artemis does to her. There are no mutters about ball-busting during her weapon drills. There is only the total acceptance of every part of her, and the uncomplicated warm friendship of other goddesses. Because you cannot tell me the nymphs in Artemis’ retinue don’t dote on Athena like an adopted older sister.
yES
BLESS THIS POST
(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)
