I cannot believe that Hermione did not take advantage of that Rita skeeter’ article that said she was dating harry. I would be like HELL YES BITCHES I FUCKED THE BOY WHO LIVED, THE BOY WHO LIVED IS MY FUCKING SEX TOY! GUESS WHAT? HE ALSO DID DRACO MALFOY, 70% OF THE GRYFFINDOR HOUSE, YOUR SISTER, AND YOU ARE THE NEXT!
she could ask their friends to spread they also fucked harry potter to different prophet’ reporters until gets so ridiculous that it lost all credibility.
“Yes, I did the potter” -Viktor Krum
“Of course, Harry is so lovely” - Fleur Delacour
“I showed to him some nice stuff in the bath” - Cedric Digory (does not like to lie)
“He and Malfoy are often at each other” -Severus Snape and the entire Slytherin house
“At the same time” - Fred and George Weasley
“Harry truly is amazing, he is always gentle with us.” - Luna Lovegood with Neville Longbottom hiding behind her, nodding, mortified.
“Let’s just say that he can ride more than just a broom”- Oliver wood “Let’s just say that he being able to catch the snitch with his mouth was not a coincidence” - Ginerva Weasley.
“He made us gay” - Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas.
Harry does not stop glaring at everyone for the entire school year, meanwhile Ron literally cannot stop laughing
At the end of the year Dumbeldore awards Gryffindor an additional five hundred house points for Harry’s achievements at bedding the entire student body, the other teachers all have their heads in their hands they are working in a ridiculous place of ridiculous people
So I noticed this line in Prisoner of Azkaban and now I can’t stop thinking about how great it would be if Remus Lupin and Minerva McGonagall became good friends while Remus was teaching at Hogwarts, so here are some headcanons about that:
When they meet for the first time in 15 years, it breaks Minerva’s heart to think about the eager awkward boy she once knew and to look at the broken man with the tired eyes he has become. She notices how much Remus has aged since she last saw him.
For Remus, being back at Hogwarts hurts like hell. As he gives McGonagall an unconvincing smile, he can’t stop thinking of his school days and of how much has changed.
“Hello, Professor. It’s been a long time,“ Remus says slowly.
McGonagall pulls Remus into a hug. He is stiff but doesn’t pull away.
Remus at first being reluctant to talk to any of the other teachers much because he doesn’t feel he belongs there and he’s kind of lost the will to connect with people.
McGonagall making sure that Remus is involved in every staff room conversation
McGonagall adjusting to the strangeness of seeing Remus on his own, not with three other grinning boys
McGonagall joking with Remus about pranks he pulled at school and Remus explaining how they were done
McGonagall correcting Remus each time he called her ‘Professor’ rather than Minerva
Remus and Minerva staying up late in the staff room drinking tea and talking about complex magical theory
Remus asking Minerva “Tell me about James and Lily’s boy, tell me all about Harry”
Minerva telling Remus about Harry’s skill at Quidditch, about how he fought a troll in his first year, how he has two inseparable friends, how last year he secretly brewed Polyjuice Potion and defeated a Basilisk…
Remus confiding in Minerva about how strange he feels when he looks Harry “He’s the spit of James… but Lily’s eyes… I held him as a baby… I heard him speak his first words… and now he doesn’t know me at all… I never would have thought I’d be a stranger to James’ son”
Minerva understands because sometimes she sees James when she looks at Harry
Minerva and Remus chatting about their students’ progress, especially Harry’s
Minerva changing the subject or distracting Remus whenever Sirius Black is mentioned in the staff room because she sees the pain those conversations cause Remus.
Minerva defending Remus whenever she hears other teachers muttering about how it isn’t safe to have a werewolf teaching students
Minerva making sure that she keeps track of the lunar calendar and that gives Remus space when the full moon is approaching
One night when he is curled up in pain in his office on the night of the full moon, Remus is surprised and comforted when a cat with spectacle markings around its eyes finds its way in. The cat sits with him every full moon after that.
When Remus resigns, Minerva comes into his office and asks “Are you sure about this? If you want to stay, I will do everything I can…” but Remus just shakes his head. “Well- look after yourself,” Minerva says like it’s an order.
Every now and then, the Marauders fandom gets upset that James was chosen to be a Head Boy when he wasn’t a Prefect.
But of course he was.
It started in the autumn of his fifth year. The fifteen-year-old marched through the corridors, feeling rather important, a badge pinned to his robes.
Filch caught him within the first five minutes. To be fair, James hadn’t tried to run. (If he had, he would have gotten away). He had no reason to. Still, the caretaker grumbled threats of torture as he dragged the Chaser to Professor McGonagall’s office.
“Pretending to be a Prefect,” Filch snarled.
“I’m not pretending you old—” James eventually broke off as he realized that there was no use shouting at the lump of clay that was the caretaker. And so, he turned to Professor McGonagall and said, “I’m a temporary Prefect for the night.”
“Are you?” she asked, with a flicker of amusement. “I don’t seem to recall appointing you as such.”
“You know, Sirius’ brother told me something interesting the other day,” James said. “Did you know that if you looked at the night sky, you could see a star that represents them both? Isn’t that strange. Look for yourself, Professor.”
And she glanced out the window and saw the stars in question. Right next to the nearly full moon. Her face gave away nothing, but she curtly dismissed the caretaker, who seemed surprised if not furious.
“Surely you want me to stay to deliver the punishment?” Filch asked.
“There will be no punishment,” Professor McGonagall said curtly. “You caught a Prefect out of bed. That’s not exactly against the rules, is it?”
James could have hugged her.
As soon as the caretaker was gone, she pushed the tin of biscuits towards James. It didn’t even need saying at this point. He grinned and took his favorite kind. She always had them.
“I didn’t even think…” she whispered. “It’s not full for another three days.”
“I know,” said James. “But he’s really sick this time.”
“He should have told me,” she said. “I would have given him the time off.”
“Yeah, well,” James shrugged. “You know Remus.”
She smiled; she did indeed.
“Did he brief you on your responsibilities?” the professor asked.
“If by ‘briefed’ you mean ‘went into a three-hour lecture on what I should or should not do’ then yeah.”
“You know that I can’t make this official,” Professor McGonagall said. “People would talk.”
“Nah, I know,” James said.
“You can’t brag about this.”
“I know.”
“You can’t abuse your privileges.”
“I know.”
“Take another biscuit.”
He grinned and did so.
“I believe you have work to do,” she said.
James gave her a mock salute and marched away. He performed Remus’ duties all night, never once abusing the power, knowing that doing so would tarnish Remus’ reputation. He performed them the next two nights as well and told a very skeptical Professor McGonagall that he was sick on the night of the full moon. (”Oh dear,” she said. “I hope your illness stagnates.”)
Truth be told, James was a Prefect almost as much as Remus was.
They were some of the only times in his term at Hogwarts that he solemnly swore that he wasn’t up to no good.
IM MAKING THIS CANON! I declare it canon!!! So be it!!!
@asktheboywholived
has anyone ever before been so comprehensively torn to shreds in their life tho
My favorite part about that line is that it implies that Gilderoy Lockhart was a more competent teacher than Dolores Umbridge. And that may be the biggest insult in the entire series.
And the triple burn goes to Minerva, because while we, the readers, aren’t anti-werewolf, Umbridge is and she knows full well who taught Harry in his third year.
Professor Quierrel while possessed by Voldemort, Gilderoy Lockhart, Remus Lupin and Barty Crouch Jr. pretending to be Mad Eye Moody were all more competent Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers.
As readers, we all know that Remus was the best. But the insult to Umbridge over all four…it’s delicious.
sorcerer's/philosopher's stone:
cries for james and lily, also absolutely cannot believe that dumbledore is leaving a baby on a porch in england in november. 8/10
chamber of secrets:
condescends lockhart into going into the chamber alone, then turns around and is like "great so that got rid of him" 10/10
prisoner of azkaban:
"you look to be in perfect health to me, potter, so i'm sure you won't mind me setting you homework. i assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in." bamf. says "not today" to the god of death." 11/10
goblet of fire:
there's that one time she puts a hand on harry's shoulder while her voice shakes. lov it lov her. 9/10
order of the phoenix:
unfortunately is part of the union of "adults denying traumatized harry any information." this, however, is offset by "have a biscuit, potter." 7/10
half-blood prince:
in her temporary stint as headmistress, she gets more done than dumbledore did in fifty years. amazing. 100/10
deathly hallows:
OH BOY. TALK SHIT GET HIT. MCGEE IN THE HOUSE HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP. 10000/10
