Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

everybodyilovedies:

Aragorn the reluctant and faintly embarrassed best man at Legolas and Gimli’s wedding.

Aragorn with his face in his hands as they get their serious mack on after the culturally-appropriate “you man now kiss the husband” bit, mumbling to himself in shell-shocked terror “the things I saw on the road…”

Gimli and Legolas participating in an epic cake-eating competition while Aragorn passes out back-up cake for the guests and explains: “I expected this.”

Aragorn having to give a best man speech for both Legolas and Gimli. Both sides of the family arguing loudly over which speech should be given first. The Elves eventually agree to go last because they have greater patience than the short-lived dwarves. The dwarves take grievous insult to this. Aragorn trying to explain how Legolas was like a brother to him and Gimli is a fine warrior. Aragorn being unable to get through either speech thanks to Legolas and Gimli loudly heckling each other’s speeches.

A couple dishonored dead ghosts show up just to see this most insane and greatest party ever thrown. Aragorn standing to the side of the dance floor while the dishonored dead try to lasso him in to dance with them. “You are free. I released you. Please. Go. Go now.”

Aragorn with his head on the table while Eowyn and Faramir giggle in a corner together and be super lovey-dovey at the wedding. Aragorn getting a headache from all the hitting himself in the face when Eowyn catches the bouquet (Gimli threw it) because she SLIDE TACKLED another female guest to get it and most of the lady guests new better than to challenge of shieldmaiden of Rohan for the damn bouquet anyway. Aragorn having to console a drunk Faramir that Boromir would have loved Eowyn, he would have, and yes, he was the best big brother in the world, I agree.

Aragorn having to carry a drunk off his ASS Gandalf back to his damn room while Gandalf might be hitting on him???? “You’re looking pretty Gandalf the Green, old friend, why don’t we just get you to your bed.” “Get me to YOUR bed, heir of Isildur! Hellah.” “By the bane of Isildur, nO.”

Aragorn staring mournfully at a pile of drunken hobbits writhing on the dance floor doing God knows what. It might be dancing. At least three of them are kind of cousins, please let it be dancing. 

Aragorn sliding down to the ground as they send Legolas and Gimli off on their honeymoon, Gimli carrying Legolas (very slowly) in his arms into their bedroom while the two shout the lewdest things imaginable over their shoulders as a preemptive play-by-play of the upcoming night for their wedding guests.

Aragorn the saddest best man ever, is what I’m saying.

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

muchymozzarella:

Thranduil: Go meet this nice guy I found for you he’s royalty and from a strong line of Men and I’m sure you’ll get over Tauriel real quick

*60 years later*

Legolas: Dad I’d like you to meet my new dwarf husband

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

akaltynarchitectonica asked: any thoughts on elf sexuality?

determamfidd:

one-go-alone:

cptsdcarlosdevil:

ONLY ALL OF THEM

The interested reader should consult What Tolkien Officially Said About Elf Sex, the most extensive guide to elf sexuality I’m aware of. Also, be aware that I haven’t read Silm and anything in here contradicted by Silm is a result of ignorance.

The bits I find interesting are that (1) elf marriage is defined as being sex— the party is considered a good idea, but strictly optional, (2) elves don’t commit adultery and (3) elves can apparently tell from the way someone moves whether they’re wed or unwed. Now, this may just be that elves are Good Catholics, but are you kidding, there is an opportunity for my favorite tropes. I propose: elf hypermonogamy!

(I actually totally thought elf hypermonogamy was canon until I was researching my answer for this ask. GODDAMMIT TOLKIEN.)

Elves are universally demisexual: they literally do not experience sexual attraction to people they aren’t in romantic love with. Elves are only capable of being in love with one person at once. It takes them a long time to get over love; it’s quite common for a rejected elf to never fall in love again, and most of those who do go centuries before they do.

So, how does that affect my favorite ships?

I feel like Legolas/Gimli is super-more-awesome if Legolas was literally never sexually attracted to anyone before Gimli and has no idea what this emotion is. So he is all like OH GOD THIS DWARF IS SO ANNOYING >:( >:( >:( I JUST WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME. BECAUSE HE’S ANNOYING. I WONDER WHAT HIS HAIR FEELS LIKE. And eventually this gets to the point where even Mr. They’re Taking The Hobbits To Isengard starts wondering if something’s up.

and then at Lothlorien he seeks the advice of Galadriel and Galadriel is like “Legolas, you’re in love” and Legolas is like “???!???!!!!!!”

and Galadriel thinks to herself “JESUS CHRIST, Legolas, Luthien and Arwen are one thing, human boys are sort of cute, but DID YOU REALLY JUST FALL FOR, OF ALL PEOPLE, A FUCKING DWARF”

(and then Gimli does the hair thing and she’s like “well, at least he has good taste”)

and then Legolas ends up having sex with Gimli. Now, dwarves totally have a culture of warrior homosexuality. (Also: everything homosexuality????) So Gimli is all like “ah, yes, manly men blowing off some steam in a manly way after battle, this surely does not mean Feelings” and Legolas is like “:( :( :( I will go stare at a river and write love poetry in Quenya more beautiful than the hearts of Men can bear” but he totally doesn’t let Gimli know because he doesn’t want to Pressure Gimli Into A Relationship and also because he will Take What He Can Get

and then at some point Aragorn is sadly singing to himself about Luthien as is his third-favorite hobby (behind beard growth and still not being king) and Gimli is like “why the hell would she give up her immortality anyway, dude, it’s fucking immortality? why can’t she marry an elf instead” and with one thing and another Aragorn ended up telling him about the Elvish Facts of Life

and then Gimli storms up to Legolas and is like YOU KNOW USUALLY I LIKE TO BE INFORMED WHEN I’M MARRIED TO PEOPLE

and Legolas is like “…I’m… married to you but you’re not married to me?”

and Gimli is like I DON’T KNOW WHAT NANCY SHIT YOU PONCY MOTHERFUCKERS GET UP TO BUT AMONG DWARVES MARRIAGE IS USUALLY CONSIDERED A TRANSITIVE PROPERTY

and Legolas was like “I am sorry, I understand if you will never speak to me again” and he is mentally drafting, like, the world’s saddest poem, like, it will win the Saddest Poem contest Elrond holds every year

and Gimli is like YOU FUCKING MORON OF COURSE I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU HOW ELSE CAN I GET TO SHOW YOU ALL THE PRETTY CAVES

and Legolas is like “oh. Oh!”

and then he ends up smuggling his boyfriend into Valinor, I assume by just sort of shoving him into the luggage. “Dwarf? What dwarf? I don’t have a dwarf. What, no, my bag isn’t wriggling, you’re seeing things. Gosh, there are weird sounds on the sea, that one sounded almost like the word ‘fuck’.”

also I feel like this whole thing makes Elrond and Arwen infinitely more amusing

Elrond: NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MARRY ARAGORN
Arwen: GRANDMA DID
Elrond: AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT HER
Arwen: I DON’T CARE I LOVE HIM
Elrond: THERE ARE LOTS OF NICE BOYS IN VALINOR, I’M SURE YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE
Arwen: NO I WON’T
Elrond: …fuck. You’re right.
Arwen: (looks smug)
Elrond: you know Elros really had the right idea, immortality is awesome but at least HUMANS HAVE THE CONCEPT OF SERIAL MONOGAMY

This is full of win and awesome, and I would also like to point out that if this appeals to you and you aren’t reading @determamfidd‘s Sansûkh, then do yourself a favor and go read it. Right now. Seriously. Drop everything else.

*blushy blushy* ahhh thank you so very much! You are super kind!

IS YOUR URL A ‘THE DARK IS RISING’ REFERENCE BC HOLY SHIT I LOVED THOSE BOOKS

hacash asked: for the valentines' day prompts may I ask for legolas/gimli and the different courtship rituals of elves and dwarves?

notbecauseofvictories:

the courtship of gimli son of gloin and legolas greenleaf, son of thranduil is a disaster from beginning to end. Because elves really only have two romantic settings:

1. “no romantic feelings whatsoever” 
2. “undying love that withstands the ravages of time and yokes two hearts together such that neither death nor fire nor void could cleave them in twain unto the coming of Dagor Dagorath, Amen”
   

which means that when legolas figures out that this strange bright-hard lightness and gladness and warmth he feels around gimli is love, that’s it, game over, his expectation is that they will either be married and live forever in joyous bliss or gimli will refuse him, and legolas will spend all his days wandering in middle earth, singing ballads he himself has composed about the prowess and kindness of gimli, son of gloin.

(elves…..don’t really court one another. Either your love is returned, or it’s not. “Not” is a perfectly acceptable answer, there is lots of room in elvish culture for unrequited love—it’s very courtly, their idea of “not”. It comes with an expectation you turn that pain into something Ennobling and Grand, and remain true to the ideal of your beloved. But that’s it, the matter is settled, and it takes monumental shifts to make either party reconsider.)

unfortunately, this means that after their shaky declarations of mutual feeling (to call it a hatchet job, gimli insists, would be an insult to perfectly decent hatchets) legolas takes it as a personal affront that gimli wants to court. To him, it seems unimaginably cruel, to spend time with a person in that way while always keeping one eye on the door, as though to say, you are perfectly nice, but only for now.

not all of us have forever to promise, amralime, gimli says, very gently.

(really, gimli’s argument is—look at how much grief has been brought into the world by elves who loved, but did not know what came after. Who did not know how to compromise, when to let a disagreement go; who struggled against their beloved’s seeming lack of affection, to give gifts that were not Portentous and Doomed. 

maybe the immortal Firstborn can afford to spend their lives desperately unhappy in a match made with love and little consideration. But dwarves do not have the luxury. All metal is tested by fire, to burn away impurities; it is not a condemnation of the ore.)

finally, finally, gimli manages to talk him around by assuring him that their courtship will mostly involve wandering in the woods of ithilien and making out against trees. “gonna smith you…so much jewelry” gimli mumbles sleepily, as their argument winds down, fading into the night. (It hasn’t been an argument in earnest for a few hours now, especially once they crawled into bed together.)

legolas smiles a little, and sleeps.

#legolas is literally so offended     #“YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME???” in equal parts indignation and hurt     #he literally does not tell thranduil they’re dating because a) dwarf     #and b) “you couldn’t even get A DWARF to marry you on the first go-around he had to think about it first? what son of mine—”     #ah good times     (x)