Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

imperatortempus42:

jenipherocious-blog:

imperatortempus42:

nyxserpent:

roachpatrol:

on the subject of Humans Are Space Orcs i keep thinking it would be funny if ‘pursuit predator’ humans got together with an ‘ambush predator’ feliform species. and like. humans enjoy walking around with their friends! and the feliforms enjoy huddling in a concealed location with their friends! and it takes all of half an hour for a human to pick up a scarf and make a sling to take their pal with them while they go grab some lunch.

our new friends are like ‘are you sure this isn’t an inconvenience’ and the humans are like ‘are you kidding we do this with terran cats whether they like it or not’ 

also the team-up of humans and the feliform species gives most herbivore species in the galaxy screaming nightmares because here is a mobile tower that will follow you for 16 hours straight and it’s carrying a bag full of sneaky murder like it’s a baby this is not okay

YES

Why does it have to be an alien race, we could just enhance cat intelligence and figure out usable vocal chords for them. My one cat is a regular American Shorthair, except he’s 18 pounds of solid muscle and is larger than several dog breeds, and has pitch-black fur. Now imagine *that* as a common scarf baby.

My husband and father in law like large house cats. Like 15lbs is an absolute minimum. Most are in the 20-25lb range and none of it’s fat. One, Matarro, looks like a damned tortoise shell body builder. Do you even lift? And then they train them to be “shoulder kitties”. So these cats hide on top of entertainment consoles and armoires and curio cabinets to ambush you for rides through the house so they don’t have to walk because I guess every earth species plays the floor is lava.

I’m not a big person. I’m 5'2. Both my husband and his dad tower over me by a full foot. They have the shoulder space for these tanks to suddenly pounce on them for rides. I do not. The first time i went to my in laws house, I was walking to the kitchen when Matarro decided he wanted to come along. Matarro was 27lbs at the time and from shoulder to hip was 3 inches longer than my shoulders are wide. He ambushed me from the dining room hutch and literally knocked me off my feet. It was like having a bowling ball with claws thrown at me.

If they weren’t basically all marshmallow fluff insides those cats would reign terror on the known universe. What would aliens think? “The monster is attacking!” “OMG why are they just letting these things attack them?!” “What the shit?! They intentionally TRAIN them to hone the murderous ambush skills?! They think it’s cute? He’s just a big softie, really?! We’re leaving. We’re leaving right now. Fuck this planet just get in the ship. Go! Go! Go!”

And all the humans would be confused like “but he really is just a big softie! Where are you going? It’s adorable! You should have seen the time he knocked Jen on her ass jumping down on her. Wait, what did I say? Why are you running?”

Lol, 27 pounds of cat just sounds like a weapon.

(via bonehandledknife)

straight-outta-hobbiton:

On the humans are weird thing, what about the Hadron Collider?

Like, aliens come to earth and are kind of impressed with how fast our technology is progressing, and they’re like, touring the earth and meeting the greatest minds of our generation and eventually end up at CERN.

Alien: So what are you doing here, Human Scientist of CERN?

Scientist: Oh, well, we made this machine that smashes atoms into even smaller stuff.

Alien: Oh? And how did you achieve this?

Scientist: Well, we throw them at each other at amazing speeds until they break apart. It’s actually pretty cool.

Alien: It does sound interesting.

Scientist: Right? It sucks there’s people who are pissed about it.

Alien: Excuse me?

Scientist: Well, theoretically there’s a chance that we could create a black hole if we go through this process.

Alien:

Alien:

Alien: Why do you persist in this endeavor if this is a possibility?

Scientist: It’s fuckin’ sicc

And then the aliens realize that oh, humans are only so ahead of the times is because they’re fucking crazy and just do shit. And then they leave.

Just in case.

(via littlestartopaz)

cheeseanonioncrisps:

What if a lot of alien species didn’t actually evolve as pack species, and just adapted to living in communities out of necessity? So they can still work and live together, but they don’t have all the little instincts humans have that help them work in a group.

And they are freaked out by us.

We all wear the same clothes. It’s not a uniform— we just somehow all seem to like roughly the same outfits. We fit in so naturally with the people around us that you can use a human’s clothing to tell what country and what time period they are from. Aliens have no idea how we know what clothes are appropriate— they end up having to hire humans to act as fashion consultants after several incidents where diplomats showed up wearing mismatched clothes from various time periods and countries and looking totally ridiculous.

And what about yawning? Aliens who work on human ships say they never fully get used to hearing one human yawn and then having the whole room start yawning along with them. Or telling a joke to one human and seeing humans who say they don’t find the joke that funny cracking up anyway because “their laugh is so infectious!” It’s a common practical joke to tell new nonhuman crew members about this horrible disease humans get, where they feel tired and have an uncontrollable urge to open their mouths. It’s deadly, they say, and very contagious.

New safety procedures have to be worked out for the humans because, on the one hand, you don’t have to go around telling each individual to leave. Humans will just follow the mob. On the other hand, though, you have to be careful not to spread panic, because if one human runs, they all will, and they’ll trample anyone who isn’t fast enough to stay ahead.

Aliens hear humans tell their kids not to give into peer pressure and just get really confused. “Why would they do it if they don’t want to?”

“Because their friends are telling them to do it!”

“But why do it just because they’re telling them to do it?”

“Because they’re their friends!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

When aliens see earth movies about people being indoctrinated or turned into zombies, it takes them a while to realise that these are horror movies because, from their perspective, that’s just what humans are like.

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

Humans Are Weird

arcticfoxbear:

thirteenfunbreaker:

iblicron:

cybergeisha:

classtoise:

taraljc:

burntcopper:

arcticfoxbear:

the-grand-author:

wuestenratte:

val-tashoth:

crazy-pages:

radioactivepeasant:

arafaelkestra:

arcticfoxbear:

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.

Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts

Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.” 

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.” 

Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.” 

“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”

“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”

“What, the molten rock?”

“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”

“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”

“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”

Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.

“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?” 

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”

My new favorite Humans are Weird quote

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

aka The History of Alaska

‘But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements.’

‘Yep.  Pompeii is legendary.  Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’

‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’

‘…well…’

‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’

‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’ 

‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’

‘Oh yeah.  After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we build them better.’

And then the aliens learn what it means to “facepalm” despite not having palms per se….

Aliens: Well at least you’re not immortal. Your planet is teeming with predators and disease what’s your average lifespan; 30-40?

Human: 70-80.

Other Human: My grandma was 102 before she died.

Alien: A FUCKING CENTURY? What killed her a stiff breeze?

OH: nah, cancer and liver failure. She smoke til the day she died and drank like a fish.

Alien: wait like…spontaneous cellular mutation and IMBIBING Poison? Surely these aren’t common!

Humans: …er…

Aliens: HOLY SHIT DUDE.

SPACE AUSTRALIA @archmagenutblast

ok like these are interesting and all, but i want to know what the aliens do that make us go wtf. like ones that regularly go do repairs on their space ships without putting on a suit because they can release the air bubbles in their body and the radiation doesnt really bother them. they just put on like a fucking sweater and go repair the cracked ship window. they have to take breaks to go warm up and all, but over all its nbd. but then you stick them in like a pond and they’re just like abort abort its too much im dying

>“Human, forgive my asking…”
>“Is it about the mountain climbing?”
>“We…do not understand your reasoning behind scaling su-”
>“Yeah, it’s the mountain climbing. What do you want to know?”
>“The mountains on my world are roughly concurrent with yours. But we didn’t scale their peaks until after we developed short-range space travel. The first things to go there were probes and drones.”
>“That’s a shame. You could have been up there long before that.”
>“But you…no offence, but your people haven’t even mastered atmospheric travel before attempting to climb your mountains.”
>“So?”
>“So? Many of you died trying to climb them. From faulty, primitive equipment, the weather, don’t get me started on your blasted weather patterns, the weather turning against you, not to mention a sheer lack of insi-”
>“Your name was…Sulp Niar, is that right?”
>“It’s not just Sul…yes, that is part of my name.”
>“Listen, Sulp. I know you and your friends think we’re stupid, crazy, stupidly crazy as a species.”
>“I-I would nev-”
>“I will admit, we’ve done more than our fair share of stupid on our planet. Some of our stunts were bad enough to leave some scars on her. But let me ask you something. How long did it take for your species to advance from early flight to entering orbit?”
>“…one hundred eighty-two cycles.”
>“Humans managed that in under seventy ye-cycles.”
>“Seventy cy-”
>“And a hundred cycles after we developed submersible water vehicles, we managed to land in the deepest trench, the lowest spot, on our planet. Give or take.”
>“I can’t…no other species has accomplished such things.”
>“And I bet no other species has experienced the losses to achieve them. One time, a man tried to use a hot air balloon to travel to the north pole, in the Arctic.”
>“But that doesn’t…there’s no way that would have worked.”
>“It didn’t. He disappeared shortly after liftoff, crashed a few days later, and tried walking home while the ice flowed against him. We found his remains almost thirty years after the fact.”
>“He was a fool. He should have known better than to try that.”
>“No, that man’s a hero. He tried something new, something that inspired people in the future to still try, to this day. His remains were taken back home and giving the utmost respect, despite his failure. Sulp, there was another man, who tried to scale our tallest mountain.”
>“Did he fail, too?”
>“Honestly, we don’t know. He disappeared trying to make a rush for the peak, just before a snowstorm hit. We found his body almost seventy years later. He fell, and his axe bounced off a rock and killed him. We never found the camera he would have used to photograph his success, and his wallet was missing a photo he would have placed on the peak.”
>“Where are you going with this?”
>“Before he made his last attempt, someone asked him why he bothered to scale Mount Everest. What is the point, he asked. Just like you’ve done earlier.”
>“And…what did this human say in return?”
>“He answered with three words. Three words that inspired us to look beyond what we cannot do, beyond what we won’t be able to do for a while.”
>“What were they?”
>“Because it’s there.”

BECAUSE IT’S THERE

(via human-aliens-collection)

cleromancy:

something i think about a lot is what if alien species have less biodiversity on their planets. like if they’ve got maybe 20, 25 species of bugs, total. so they come to earth and they’re like “whoa.” or they’ll like be like walking down the street and they’re like “ok what’s that” pointing at a st bernard and you’re like “oh that’s a dog” and they’re like “whoa, neat, i’ve heard about dogs.” 

and you walk for a while longer and then they point at a yorkie and they’re like “what’s that?” and you kind of have to be like “…that. that’s also a dog.” and they’re like “wait, really?” and you’re like “yeah.” and it takes them a while to absorb this but then you just keep walking.

and like you’re going for a while and somebody’s walking their bull terrier and you’re like trying to walk faster hoping your alien friend doesn’t see but no dice they’re like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT and you’re like “that. that is a dog” and they let out an anguished wail

and like every time after that they see a weird four legged creature they’re like “that BETTER not be a goddamn dog” and half the time you gotta wince and be like “actually,” 

(via human-aliens-collection)

Humans in Space theory.

theotherguysride:

lokis-warrior-queen:

theotherguysride:

Humans can warp probability. 

I read this book, a hard sci fi novel in high school. Fucked if I can remember the title but the basic premise was that there was a brain-nanite thing that you could inhale and it would change things. Also the Aliens enclosed the whole solar system in some sort of shield. Nothing in, nothing out. 

There was a woman who was part of an experiment in probability. Her brain-mod would allow her to not only predict, but alter the ‘up’ or ‘down’ spin of some sort of ion or another that was completely random. 

But think about it. Humans are against ALL ODDS the craziest, most intelligent, cruelest, most compassionate, gentlest, harshest beings. There’s no predicting a human because we don’t actually follow the universal laws of probability. To attempt to graph our behavior patterns in a sane quantifiable manner leaves you a little nuts. We perservere, survive. We have NO CHILL when it comes to some things, and are extremely lax about others. We can’t really be predicted, because we’re always altering our realities. 

Even our greatest heroes face ‘impossible’ odds and survive. Especially, even. A human is at their shining best when the entire universe is in a point of flux. When choices become the most important things we have. We stare into the blackness between the stars and wonder. Hope. Dream. Wish. We change energy with a thought. We reach out and touch not just things but people, hearts, minds. 

Aliens just watch us and are either baffled, indulgent, or terrified. We’re tiny beings in the grand scheme. Numerous but fragile. Perfectly adapted to hostile environs. We have taken aggressive adaptation to the point of modifying our bodies for our environments synthetically. We can take a situation from ‘we’re all gonna die’ to ‘holy shit we lived’ with just one flash of genius. We can stare into the face of danger and smile. We live for those life or death adrenaline scenarios. Some of us have made entire careers out of being batshit crazy. 

Humans warp probability. 

It’s technically classed as a psi ability in some alien lexicons, but one that’s passive. There’s various grades of it too. Captain Kirk, for instance, is like ‘Let’s make some noise’ and they all survive. Han Solo says ‘Never tell me the odds!”. Arthur Dent reaches into a bag and produces the question that fits the answer. River Tam turns the tide of battle with a mental flip of a switch. Samantha Carter again and again builds doorways between stars, sometimes with nothing more than her wits and the equivalent of a paperclip and tinfoil. Jane Foster survives longer than anyone else ever has with the literal force of chaos flowing through her veins. If she wasn’t human, she’d never have lived long enough to save her world. 

These are all people who are extraordinary, who through their sheer humanity have built new futures. 

Aliens can’t quanitfy us because we’re chaos in motion. Rogue physics, the edges of cosmic constants. Variables with no fixed value. We make choices, and reach out and touch other beings, and we take logic and probability and the most likely outcome of things and twist them into new shapes. It’s more than just creative thinking, high-stakes adaptation, or even empathy. 

A human can literally even the odds. 

That’s why alien crews like keeping humans around. We’re crazy and unpredictable and able to survive just about anything. We’re loyal for the most part, to love or money or Crew. Once a human decides that you’re theirs, they will literally warp the universal constants for their crew. 

That’s our alien superpower, I think. 

I was listening to some guy (can’t remember his name now!) on the radio the other day who was talking about how we don’t fully understand the human consciousness. Humans control their environment without even realizing what they are doing in most cases.

.Some interesting watching you might like: What the bleep do we know? A documentary about human consciousness. Will legit blow your mind.

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

sagequeen asked: THANK YOU FOR ALL THE WHOLESOME "HUMANS ARE WEIRD" POSTS

I TRY THANK VERY MUCH

Originally posted by redpyrofox

Aliens but they take shit too seriously

slyrider:

spacefaringviking:

ate-wapakels69:

Human: the day i run a marathon is the day i die.

Alien: *makes note to keep human away from marathons*

Weeks later

Human: Just got back from a marathon!

Alien: *SCREECH*

Human: Dude, when you hear this you’ll shit bricks!

Alien: *Eye tendrils flex* I-i-i’d prefer if you wouldnt tell me, thank you.

@words-writ-in-starlight