I don’t even go here, but I want the 10k comedy of errors that leads to and from this point.
LOL
I realize that you probably meant this rhetorically, BUT I’m gonna tell myself a story about how this would go anyway:
So the Pope would throw an absolute fit at the idea of Cesare’s assassin having congress with his precious daughter (who was just about to receive an offer of marriage from the Duke of Ferrara! The timing could not be worse!), and so he’d demand that Cesare either fire Micheletto or kill Micheletto.
What Cesare actually does is get Micheletto out of Rome by promoting him. No longer an assassin-manservant, Micheletto is now a reluctant general of the papal armies. Cesare and Micheletto go tramping gleefully around the Romagna carving out new territory, and instead of demanding new states for himself, Cesare cooly demands a barony for his loyal general.
Baron Corella can have an affair with the Lady Lucrezia Borgia, even if His Holiness still doesn’t approve.
AT THIS POINT Cesare and Micheletto return to Rome, where under the Pope’s disapproving eye Cesare and Lucrezia have to turn an illiterate murderer into a grudging, bitter courtier, at which point they UNDOUBTEDLY engage in more and more complex not-quite threesomes:
-Cesare and Lucrezia hide their affair by pretending that Lucrezia and Micheletto are continuing their affair, which means that the entire Vatican wanders around like “what does the Lady Lucrezia–who famously chose her last husband because he was ‘sweet as apples’–see in this dead-eyed torturer with his peasant accent and his utter lack of graces?” -Lucrezia starts publicly showering Micheletto with affection, partially to keep up the facade and partially to goad Cesare, who is super jealous -Cesare and Micheletto have super passionate sparring sessions that end with Cesare’s blade at Micheletto’s throat and intense prolongued eye contact and heavy panting and Micheletto arching ever so slightly into the metal -Micheletto very carefully reminds Cesare that he is into dudes, only dudes, just dudes -Cesare somehow ends up sucking Micheletto off in a confessional as a way to restore his wounded masculinity??? by proving that Micheletto IS more into him than he is into Lucrezia -Lucrezia poisons a man with Micheletto’s help, which makes Cesare even more jealous -threesomes with Extremely Complicated Rules emerge
eventually the pope decides Lucrezia has to marry Micheletto, which SHOULD solve all of their problems but winds up causing fifty more.
This past weekend, several friends and I got to talking about the King Arthur police precedural
that Fox is allegedly developing. I only mention this because over the
course of this conversation we realized that the ONLY modern-King-Arthur
television show that Fox should really be developing is a
hilarious reincarnation-based office sitcom, and now I can’t stop
thinking about it, so I am going to tell you all about this imaginary
sitcom in EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.
My imaginary workplace sitcom is about a struggling nonprofit organization and is probably written by the people who wrote Parks and Rec and Brooklyn 99. Accordingly, it stars Retta and Melissa Fumero:
as Alice and Pam, OFFICE NEMESIS battling nonprofit burnout! and each other!
….UNTIL,
in the first episode, they start having flashbacks and eventually
realize: they are the reincarnations of, respectively, King Arthur and
Lancelot, they are destined to fight evil while being devoted to each
other in an epic and legendary way, and weekly budget meetings just got
really weird!
Every episode alternates between flashbacks to
Round Table efforts to fight evil, provide justice, build a better and
more stable society, etc., and current-day office hijinks as the
nonprofit attempts to do the same, but with much more paperwork.
As
a sidenote, all the flashbacks initially have placeholder white guy
actors doing ye olde British accents and speaking forsoothly, except for
the person having the flashback, who plays themselves. Once Alice and
Pam recognize each other at the end of the first episode, however, every
flashback features Retta and Melissa Fumero talking exactly like they
would in the office while wearing shining armor.
The rest of the placeholder actors gradually get replaced by actual cast members as further reincarnation reveals occur,
including:
-
Donald Glover as the reincarnation of Sir Gawain, ladies’ man and
too-cool-for-school tech bro, who’s the only person who knows how to
keep the website running!
-
Rahul Kohli as the noble reincarnation of King Pellinore, the
development manager who is constantly questing after very worthy but
COMPLETELY UNATTAINABLE grants!
-
Yael Grobglas as the reincarnation of Sir Kay, the long-suffering and
sarcastic office business manager who must always be the one to point
out they don’t have enough money for their pet project!
-
Sandra Oh as the director’s PA, the only person who knows where
everything is and keeps the office running and everybody from murdering
each other; she of course turns out to be Guinevere!
-
and, of course, Jaime Camil as Merlin, the director of the nonprofit,
who has been gathering all the Round Table reincarnations together for
world-saving purposes all this while!
Merlin
is not reincarnated, for the record. Merlin is just Merlin. This is why
Merlin is very good at magic and WILDLY INCOMPETENT at being the
director of a nonprofit organization.
Sample episodes include:
- the episode where everyone is rushing to meet a grant deadline, with flashbacks to PREPARING FOR BATTLE AGAINST THE ROMANS
-
the team retreat episode in which Merlin insists everybody do trust falls;
in flashbacks, Merlin also insists everybody do trust falls
- the
episode in which Donald Glover has to go through ludicrous hoops to
install a new open-source software, intercut with the story of Sir
Gawain and the Green Knight
- the mid-season love triangle episode,
in which a.) the reveal of who is Guinevere, b.) the reveal that
Lancelot and Arthur were way more than good buddies, and c.) THE MOST
AWKWARD OFFICE MEETINGS YET, FOR EVERYONE
i cant believe we actually have a gay feminist version of supernatural……. with a fiercely protective female lead, her smol queer sister and her confident yet dorky gay girlfriend, where the plot twist is characters are brought back to life and fan favorites are confirmed to survive the season, where all the men are either the butt of a joke or pure eye candy except for the moc who is just as complex and intriguing as the women im just. what did we do to deserve wynonna earp. i love-
It takes place entirely in an elevator of an office building.
So you see various people interact with each other at different times of the day.
Sometimes, they’re all getting along. Othertimes, they’re making out. And othertimes still, they’re throwing punches and threatening to murder one another.
You see people by themselves, doing things that they wouldn’t do otherwise.
You hear everyone complain about one character who you never see for the duration of the show, because they take the stairs.
You actually have no idea what the company does. One day, they’re talkking about balancing the budget, one day, they’re taking about how they all got food poisoning on their retreat to Tahiti, one day they’re in furry costumes, and one day, one of the characters gets a phone call where the ringtone is ‘Hail To The Chief’; they answer it, saying, “Yes, Mr. President?”
You have just enough information to go on, while also knowing nothing.
Oh my god I have never wanted to write a Marvel/Project Runway fusion before but can you imagine
Right though? RIGHT? She’d be so perfect, and it would be AMAZING.
I feel like she’d be super charming and sweet and nice–but also super critical and not shy about it, either.
“Darling, I know you’ve seen Batman and Robin, like, a thousand times, but the nipples really aren’t a selling point.”
“Okay, so the red and gold metal bikini is very sexy, but I think you missed the entire point of armor.”
“I like how it flows, but it’s far too flimsy. Forget Doombots - a stray corner is going to snag this cape and your whole costume just tears apart. Wardrobe malfunctions are embarrassing when you’re a celebrity, they’re fatal when you’re a superhero.”
“Yes, yes, the catsuit is very classic but it needs a zipper. I don’t care how hot you think she is, if you tell Black Widow she has to fight ninjas wearing a costume held together with double-sided tape she’ll break all ten of your fingers.”
“It’s certainly unique, but I’m not sure that glowing in the dark is a real selling point when you’re fighting crime.”
“Okay, this is just a Daredevil suit with the crotch cut out.” *takes a picture with her cell phone* “Nelson and Murdock will be contacting you shortly, I suspect.”
O-omg. PERFECT.
She totally pushes for style AND practicality in the judging. Yesss.
Now that Deadpool 2 has been confirmed, folks are getting all worked up over what new characters might be introduced. There’s been talk that the director really wants X-23, but there’s also concern that now that Negasonic Teenage Warhead is popular, their roles might overlap too much to accommodate both of them (and realistically, there’s no way that Negasonic won’t be in the sequel).
I would like to propose a solution:
Introduce X-23 as Negasonic Teenage Warhead’s love interest.
