Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

lathori asked: Marvel (you must do some that don't involve Xmen, I see you) FOR ALL THE MEME QUESTIONS <3 your wife

JUST LET ME TALK ABOUT X-MEN FOR THREE HOURS WOMAN

For this list

name ur politically correct ship that no one ever questions

I SHIP NICK SPENCER WITH THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL RESERVED FOR TRAITOROUS BIGOTED SCUM.  But I mean other than that…Natasha/Clint, Vision/Wanda, Rogue/Remy, and my much-maligned-by-movies-and-ignored-by-the-internet OTP Kitty/Colossus.  There is no order of preference here.  Also I recently got sold REALLY HARD on Steve/Bucky (recently, ha, like three years ago Jesus Moran get your shit together) so like, also Steve/Bucky.  And any marriage that makes Storm happy and a queen of a country, so by default Ororo/T’Challa.

now name ur trash ship

I do ship Natasha/Bucky, but I think the circumstances confirm me for a bad person, because I only ship them in the context of ‘I don’t remember you and you barely remember me but you can’t bring yourself to kill me so you shot me and saved my life and I woke up in your safehouse while you wiped my wounds with a gun in your other hand and I’m not sure which one of us you’re going to shoot first.’  So.  Like.  In the single most unhealthy available context.  In a whole universe of unhealthy contexts.

Also I feel like Bobby had a crush on Hank when they were both kids and sometimes still jerks off to his best friend but I DIGRESS.

and ur really trashy im-going-to-hell ship

Elektra the unhinged murderer/Matthew Murdock the desperately earnest crusader.  Fuck brutally against a wall and piece each other back together with trembling hands that smear your skin with blood.  Cling to each other in your dying moments and stand over each other’s graves feeling guilt for not saving each other and guilt for not killing each other.  Throw words like knives and hate yourselves for every hit even as you gloat.

Good.

who is your cinnamon roll fave who everyone loves

KITTY GODDAMN PRYDE, @EVERY MOVIE PERSON EVER COME HERE AND FIGHT ME.  Also Warren and Storm, I would die for Storm.

Also Steve Rogers.  I have this reoccurring daydream where Steve punches Nick Spencer in the face.

who is your sinnamon roll fave who everyone loves to hate/hates to love

I genuinely would not even know if I had one of these, Marvel has been in my blood and bones since I was too young to be on a computer unsupervised.  I like the FF more than most people seem to?  I really like Professor Xavier and I get really defensive when people talk shit about him?

who is your trash fave who is so problematic they probably have hate tumblrs dedicated to them

I…do not know.  I think Loki makes a pretty compelling villain, but I think I’m in the majority there.  I low-key want to fight whenever someone suggests that Warren joined Apocalypse of his own free will, but I AM STANDING BY COMIC CANON COME AT ME.  So yeah, don’t think I have one of these.

what is ur  guiltiest guilty fave fandom

Okay, listen, I will be an eighty year old woman who is made entirely of salty, salty attitude and brittle bones and I will STILL be reading my campy ridiculous 60′s comics with terrible dialogue and circus-performer villains.  I know it’s not a fandom, but still.

OH I really love X-Men: Evolution and I have a whole lecture about why it’s the best adaptation of the X-Men that I’m aware of to date, but I never tell anyone that I like it for some reason, does that count?

what is the fic you want to write/read but can’t because it is too full of Sin

…so.  I actually started this one (this one) and it was Good but then I realized it would be months and months of work and I got pre-emptively tired, but basically, first words soulmate AU where Natasha and her Black Widow trainee peers all got programmed to brutally murder anyone who said their words. So then Clint shows up and of course says her words and she tries to kill him before he pins her to the wall with an arrow, and they have a really terrible brutal few months where she begs him to just kill her a lot.  And Clint keeps a taser on his person for survival reasons.  And at least once Natasha tries to stab him to death in his sleep just to end the struggle.  And Clint has a terrible awful no-good very bad conversation with Coulson about the appropriate time to cut his losses.

what is the most sinful fic you have ever read/written

G O D D A M N

what is the worst thing you want to become canon (character death, trash-ship etc)

…listen…it’s Marvel…it’s all already canon babydoll…all of it…everyone is dead…everyone has had bad relationships…everyone has been resurrected…there’s no answer here…

what is your most sinful headcanon

Do not look me in the eye and tell me that Remy LaBeau has not figured out a way to have sex with someone without touching her skin.  Whether he’s put it into action or not, that’s another story, but he has DEFINITELY figured it out.

what is your cutest headcanon

Clint watches a lot of Disney movies (he looked it up, it’s called reparenting yourself) and so consequently during that couple month period where he and Natasha are basically locked in a warehouse waiting for her to fight off the worst of the brainwashing, Natasha watches a lot of Disney movies.  Now they’re Avengers and they watch Disney movies after missions and shit. Steve gets invited to join them because Natasha decides that They Will Be Friends (Natasha’s grasp on how to make real non-mark friends is heavily influenced by the fact that her first real friend shot her, handcuffed her, and locked himself in a warehouse with her for a couple months, and also was a circus performer with a dubious handle on the friendship thing himself).

what is your heart-breakingist head canon

…I mean…canon…

I have others that are non-canon or fit within canon but like that shit’s a longer post that would need to be broken down fandom by fandom

what is ur crackiest crack ship

HA, Storm/Arkon, because the idea of Storm as the queen of a campy-ass warrior world makes me laugh

what is ur marginally less cracky crack ship

Fury/literally anyone, because he would be SO BITTER about growing feelings

what is ur favourite ridiculous au

It’s not actually that ridiculous, it’s kind of terrifying, but AU where Loki brainwashes Natasha instead of Clint in Avengers.

lathori asked: I hate you so much. As per our conversation, you absolute heathen: Borgias Star Wars AU Cesare as Leia Lucrezia as Luke Micheletto as Han Fucking go. I hate you so much.

This is the first of two Star Wars AUs, this one is mostly because I profoundly wanted an AU where Cesare was literally a prince of an entire planet and also I wanted Lucrezia to have a lightsaber.  I am currently working on another one for @wildehacked in which everyone is in the much more obvious position of being Sith.

Cesare doesn’t expect a rescue, as he sits in his cell, back to the wall and one leg stretched out in front of him with the other bent close to his body.  The ceremonial robes of Alderaan are heavy, uncomfortable at the best of times and these…these are not the best of times. Deep red cloth rubs against his skin, raw and tender from a few rounds with a torture droid, and he ignores it. He told them nothing—he has no profound alliance to the Rebellion, but the image of the great and terrible Darth Sixtus wading through the endless dunes of Dantooine had amused him, and after their young general turned their weapon on Alderaan…

Well. Cesare is (was) hardly beloved of his people, raised by the stern and austere Viceroy of Alderaan, della Rovere, but that was his planet, and after it was gone, he denied the Empire information out of sheer spite.  It had been worth it, to see the towering dark figure of Sixtus storm out of the room in a rage.

Still, though.  His planet is gone, and they didn’t love their distant prince, and the Rebellion trusts him only on the weight of his adopted guardian, who was well known in the right circles for his totally ruthless devotion to the cause.  Cesare sent away the information he had been told to care for with the droid, a PA-L0 unit more willful than was good for it. It might make it to the Sforza woman della Rovere had intended it for, or it might not—either way, it is out of his hands.  The Rebellion won’t expend the manpower to send a rescue mission, and the Empire has a new planet-killer to play with.  He’s confident he won’t live long enough to find out whether PA-L0 made it or not.

It’s something of a surprise, then, when alarms go off and his cell door opens to admit the shortest Stormtrooper he’s ever seen.  

Cesare silently arches an eyebrow.  Princes grow up in the public eye, especially on bustling Core worlds like Alderaan, and Cesare prides himself on the ability to show no response to any disaster. He’d had to cultivate it, after the second time he was caught with someone who, perhaps, should have been off-limits.

“Are you lost?” he asks dryly, and the Stormtrooper reaches up to wrestle off their helmet, and Cesare’s mouth snaps shut in surprise.

It’s not the hard-faced man he expected.  Instead it’s a woman, a girl, really, with a youthful face and hair like sunlight pinned up in a knot, and she smiles at him, perfect tiny teeth a string of matched pearls behind her pink lips.  She looks about his own age, maybe younger.  There’s a sharp tug, like a cord anchored somewhere in Cesare’s spine is pulling him toward her, and he has the sudden inexplicable urge to brush her hair back, the wayward coils of spun gold escaping around her face.

“I’m Lucrezia Borgia,” she says, dimpling at him, and he tries to assemble words to reply. “I found your Paolo unit.  I’m here to rescue you.”

Cesare has made worse snap decisions in his life than take a rescue wearing the face of an angel, he concludes in under a second.  They run.

They find another false Stormtrooper, and this one is far more like what Cesare expected, a man with eyes like stone and a dispassionate expression under the smudged blood on his cheek.  Lucrezia calls him Micheletto, and Cesare snatches a blaster off a dead Stormtrooper to toss at him.

“My lord,” Micheletto says with a slight incline of his head.

“This is Cesare della Rovere,” Lucrezia says, as if Micheletto doesn’t know who he is. “He gives your orders now.  Take us back to the Condottiere, and we’ll find Caterina on the way.”

They do find Caterina.  Just in time to watch Sixtus cut her down.  

“I knew her brother,” Lucrezia says coolly as they crowd into the cockpit of Micheletto’s ship, the Condottiere.  It’s a bit of a wreck, but he pilots it like a master, as skillfully as he had cut down any Stormtrooper in their path.  “He was an unpleasant man, to say the least.”  She fingers the silver hilt at her hip—a lightsaber, she tells Cesare quietly, apparently once the possession of her father.  “You’ll forgive me if I don’t shed any tears over her corpse.”

“Of course,” Cesare says, and she smiles at him, and he takes it like a blaster bolt to the heart.

Some other highlights…

Lucrezia brings down the Death Star, her eyes closed and her X-Wing guided by something at the center of her chest, something cold and bright as a Tatooine moon.  When she lands, laughing and giddy with triumph, Cesare snatches her up around the waist and spins her around, and he smiles at her, and she thinks idly about kissing it off his lips.  Micheletto smiles his faint smile and kisses her cheek like she’s a lady of status.  Lucrezia gets an award.  Micheletto, a killer and a criminal and a bloody hand for hire, insists that he should not, and Cesare does not argue with him.

Cesare finds the leader of the Rebellion, an ex-Senator named Machiavelli, very much to his liking.  It is common knowledge that Machiavelli has something of an affection for the ex-Prince of Alderaan (it’s something Cesare asks himself often—is he still a prince at all, if he has no planet?), and Cesare is not above leveraging this to his purposes.

Lucrezia kisses Cesare on Hoth, after she almost dies in the cold, her skin still flushed from the incredibly hot shower she just took, and he clutches her to him like she’s as ethereal as sunlight.  Her golden hair hangs around them like a curtain, in her quarters, and the red lines her nails trace over his shoulders and chest sting bright and clean, and Cesare thinks that he has never loved someone like he loves this woman.

Cesare kisses Micheletto in an asteroid field, during an argument, and again on Cloud City, where an old acquaintance turns them over to Sixtus, and it’s harsh and bloodied and hungry.  They fuck in dark corners, still half-dressed and breathless, and Micheletto swears allegiance like he’s praying to a god, like Cesare is a force of nature, like Cesare is the Force.  Cesare leaves bruises shaped like finger-lengths and the curve of his lips, and they’re still there when Micheletto is frozen in carbonite by Darth Sixtus.

Lucrezia spends all of thirty seconds training with a withered old Jedi named Orsini before she rushes away again, not even pausing at his warnings as she takes flight for Cloud City.  When she arrives, there are terrible revelations about her family—Darth Sixtus, once Rodrigo Borgia, a power-hungry general from the Clone Wars.  On the Condottiere, she cries into Cesare’s shoulder, her severed hand aching, and he kisses her tears away, her sunlight curls spilling over them both.

Cesare saves Micheletto.  He does not care to be asked why he takes such a risk for a man he professes to be a simple instrument.

Lucrezia, with a new silver hand like a piece of art, discovers that there is another Borgia—there was a third, an elder brother gone missing as a small child, before the Death Star was destroyed, but the young general died with his weapon and now there is only one.  Her twin brother, Cesare Borgia, Prince of ex-Alderaan.

Cesare does not care.

lathori asked: Star Wars Camelot AU Fucking Go <3 Your Wife

• CLEARLY Finn is King of Camelot, destined ruler of all Albion, hero-king snatched from a training center designed to churn out devoted soldiers for a dangerous faction rising in the wake of the previous wicked king’s demise (Palpatine, obvs)

• Rey is his queen and court enchanter, and Finn met her after being separated from his guardsan attack by bandits—she whomped him good with a staff and threw him into a lake with magic.  Naturally, he brought her back to his citadel and was like “This is our new court enchanter, she used to be a feral mountain child” and within a few months everyone went “Hey Finn what if you got married” and he went “Sounds great, meet your new queen!”  And everyone was EITHER really delighted OR completely horrified.  They’re a kickass couple and Rey is really good with seeing possible lines of influence and Finn is actually a killer diplomat and basically they rock.

• With the help of their Most Loyal and Trusted Knight, who would DIE for his king, especially since Finn swooped in and saved him when his quest went horribly awry in the process of booking it from the First Order.  Obviously this is the adopted son of the Lady of the Lake, Sir Poe Dameron (du Lac)…  

• You see where I’m going with this.

Keep reading