yknow i get why we make such an effort not to use words like gay and lesbian and bisexual for historical figures because their societies didn’t necessarily have those exact ideas of sexuality and it’s an important thing to remember but at the same time i’m a little cautious about that argument 1. because it’s never used when we call people from history straight and 2. some of these people are really fucking gay. like. alexander the great, after hephaestion’s death, crucified hephaestion’s physician and destroyed the nation of the cossaeans as a sacrifice to hephaestion, whom he wanted to divinize. hadrian deified his male lover antinous and had so many images of him made and left around the empire that every time we find one we’re like oh what do you know, another fucking antinous bust. sappho wrote lines like “that laugh, it sets the heart in my chest to flutter” about women. like shit son that’s gay.
And he not making none of that out the jar shit, HE HAS TOMATOES AND ONIONS AND HES ACTUALLY GOING TO MAKE THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE FROM SCRATCH.
AND HE ASKED IF HE COULD BRING HIS FRIEND AND HIS FRIEND JUST CAME IN AND HE IS FROM FRANCE AND HIS ACCENT 😩 PLS LORD HELP ME IM JUST TRYING TO STUDY. I GOT FINALS TOMORROW. WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HE CUTTING ONIONS LIFTING UP HIS SHIRT AND HIS ABS LIKE OMFG😩 THE DEVIL IS WORKING TONIGHT.
YALLLLLLLLL. HE IS SO FINE. I JUST GOT A LESSON IN HOW TO MAKE MEATBALLS. HE JUST TOUCHING MY HAND AND SHIT LIKE THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE.
AND I GO SIT DOWN HE TURN AROUND LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO BE MY LITTLE TASTE TESTER RIGHT? LIKE YAASSSSSSSSSSSS. WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO TASTE I WILL TASTE.
SO HE LIKE OKAY COME TASTE THE SAUCE SO I COME OVER TO THE POT AND I HOLD OUT MY HAND AND HES LIKE NAH YOU GOTTA LICK THE SPOON LIKE ..AND HE DEMONSTRATES LIKE NIGGA YOU NOT SLICK YOU JUST TRYING TO SHOW WHAT THAT MOUTH DO. SO I LICK THE SPOON AND THIS SHIT IS GOOD AS FUCKKK. LIKE Y'ALL THIS THE BEST SAUCE I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. MY TASTE BUDS WERE JUST SINGING. LIKE OMG. SO IM TRYING TO COLLECT MYSELF AFTER THIS GOOD ASS SAUCE AND HE TALKING ABOUT WE JUST HAD BORDERLINE SEX. BORDERLINE?? MY NIGGA JUST THROW ME ON THE COUNTER AND LETS GOOOOO.
so he make me a plate AND THIS SHIT IS GOOD AS FUCK LIKE OMG. THIS SHIT TASTE LIKE HEAVEN ON A PLATE. SO ANYWAY WE JUST CHILLING ON THE COUCH CHOPPING IT UP AND HE TOUCHES MY KNEE. Y'ALL MY SOUL JUST LEFT MY BODY AND IS LOOKING DOWN AT ME LIKE 👀. THIS NIGGAS HAND ARE SOFT AS FUCK LIKE WHAT DO HE BE USING ON HIS HANDS? I AINT NEVER FELT ANYTHING SO SOFT. GOD WHY DID YOU BLESS HIM WITH THESE SOFTER THAN A BABYS ASS HANDS? YOU KNOW I HAVE TO STUDY, YOU KNOW I GOT FINALS TOMORROW. YOU KNOW.
So we just talking and shit and then all of a sudden we kissing. YALL I AINT NEVER BEEN KISSED LIKE THIS BEFORE. EVER IN MY WHOLE ASS LIFE. HIS LIPS WERE SOFT AS SHIT AND HE KISSING ME ALL EXTRA SLOW AND ANY SOUL I HAD LEFT IS GONE. ITS LEFT MY BODY AND IS CACKLING IN THE CORNER WITH THE DEVIL. SO WE KISSING AND HE MOVES HIS HAND UP MY THIGH AND MY HEART START RACING FAST AF. IM LIKE OH SHIT ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. OUTTA NOWHERE HE STOP KISSING ME AND HE SAY SOMETHING BUT IM GONE AS FUCK. THIS NIGGA WAS DEAD ASS TALKING AND I DIDNT HEAR A WORD HE SAID,MY BRAIN WAS IN A PUDDLE IN MY PANTIES.
So I’m trying to recollect myself and I’m like what? and he say something about my roommate. So I’m like nah she said she not coming back until 12 so you’re good daddy 😉 AS SOON AS I SAY THAT MY DOOR OPEN AND IN HER COCKBLOCKING ASS COMES. I WAS SICK. IM JUST LOOKING AT HER LIKE BITCH!! YOU STILL GOT 2 HOURS 22 MINUTES AND 8 SECONDS BEFORE YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME.. WHAT YOU DOIN? SO IM SENDING HER SPIDEY SIGNALS AND SHIT LIKE BITCH BE GONE AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? SHE SITS HER HAPPY ASS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO ME TALKING ABOUT “WHAT ARE Y'ALL UP TO?” BITCHHHHH WHAT DO YOU THINK? IM TRYING TO GET SOME ITALIAN SAUSAGE.
Eventually he started getting ready to go and I went to help him pack up his things. So my roommate go to the bathroom and he speaking shit in Italian. My soul is gone, my panties are destroyed and idk what else this man wants from me. So I ask him what he said and he talking about WE ARE NOT DONE ILL BE OVER EVERY SATURDAY TO COOK FOR YOU IS THAT COOL? COOL? MY NIGGA THATS ICE FUCKING COLD WORD TO OUTKAST. SO I ASCENDED TO HEAVEN TO HAVE A ONE ON ONE WITH GOD LIKE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?? IF THIS IS A TEST GOD IM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW I WILL FAIL REPEATEDLY SO PLS DONT TEST ME. MY ROOMMATE COMES BACK OUT AND HE LEAVES AND I TURN AROUND TO SMACK THIS GIRL AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO SAY DID YOU NOTICE HE HAD A HARD ON THE WHOLE TIME. BITCHHHHH! I WOULDNT HAVE HAD TO NOTICE SHIT IF YOU HADNT CAME IN. I WOULDVE FELT THAT SHIT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. and that’s the story on how I murdered my roommate so when I go to jail i'ma need y'all to come bail me out.
alright,I know what y’all wanna hear: He came back over the next day and slanging that sausage left and right. I haven’t been on tumblr bc I been too busy getting sausaged down but NO BITCH, Y’ALL KNOW WHAT I BEEN DOING?? STUDYING. YES, STUDYING. I GOT MOTHERFUCKING FINALS.
I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.
They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.
Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).
By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.
You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.
The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.
“Hippopotamus.”
This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned
alien soldier: *heavy breathing* holy shit………….HOLY SHIT DUDE DO NOT SIGN UP FOR THE AUSTRALIA UNIT
Attention mission command: the herbivorous quadruped known as “moose” is not so benign as anticipated. One alone has besieged our camp and crushed our instruments, out of no perceived sense of malice but for that with which it was born and an unfortunate desire to eat windfall fruit. Human captive insists there is no plural for this “moose” because one alone is plenty.
Attention mission command: the heat from our instruments appears to attract a highly irritable reptile. It produces a sound from its terminal end, but no attempts at communication have been successful. Its bite is deadly.
Attention mission command: we must be more thorough with our attempts to expunge life on this planet. We have encountered a small arthropod which presents like unto a creature from an artist’s nightmare, with pincers in the fore and a sting at the aft, and entirely too many eyes. They seem to possess a singular malevolence in their propensity for entering our protective wear and our sleeping units. Please advise.
Attention mission command: the canid known as “coyote” exhibits intelligence, pack-hunting behaviour, and a desire to devour our young. Please advise.
Attention mission command: we have not received word regarding our recent missives. We have discovered a creature entitled “alligator” which the human prisoners claim has the highest bite force per square plengthron of any living animal. They move a great deal faster than expected. They drag their hapless prey to a watery death and rend their limbs by use of a grisly twisting motion. Please advise urgently.
Attention mission command: THIS IS A DISTRESS SIGNAL, ALL CHANNELS RESPOND. BEARS. BEARS. THE COLOUR OF THE BEAR IS IRRELEVANT. DO NOT APPROACH. QUADRANTS 1-5 AFFECTED BY BEARS AND MOOSE AND BITING FLIES, QUADRANTS 6-17 AFFECTED BY SHARKS, AND SEA JELLIES. QUADRANTS 18-22 AFFECTED BY SNAKES, SPIDERS, COUGARS (see also, puma, panther, mountain lion, missives 14A, 292L, 652D, and 788D-G), AND SCORPIONS, QUADRANTS 23-47 AFFECTED BY BUFFALO, COYOTES, WOLVES, AND UNTOLD MANY INSECTS, QUADRANTS 48-61 AFFECTED BY SNAKES AND SHARKS, QUADRANTS 62-87 AFFECTED BY SNAKES, COUGARS, ALLIGATORS, CROCODILES, ASSORTED ARTHROPODS. ABORT ALL ACTIVITIES. ABANDON ALL HOPE. THERE ARE DEADLY AMOEBAS IN THE WATER. PIGS AND BIRDS AND WORMS FEAST ON THE FLESH OF OUR DEAD. OUR ONE SOLACE IS THAT, WHEN THE HUMAN RACE WAS EXTERMINATED, IT WAS LIKELY A SMALL MERCY TO A RACE PLAGUED BY AN INHOSPITABLE WORLD AND AN UNCARING GOD. cease transmission.
tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results. popular youtube compilations include the one where they’re at denny’s at two in the morning and tim keeps trying to get bruce to order a moon over my hammy just so he’ll have to say it, the one where they’re at disneyworld and bruce gets increasingly frazzled culminating in him actually physically picking up gaston for reasons no one can entirely recall, and everyone’s favorite series “bruce wayne doesn’t understand walmart”
having thought about it the best part is probably when a pranking fails because bruce has such a bizarre patchwork of knowledge/skills and it does not occur to him to hide most of it. tim puts a ghost pepper in bruce’s food but bruce just eats it like nothing is wrong. the same thing happens with the chocolate-covered crickets. it turns out bruce can lick his own elbow. bruce can lasso a runaway robot lawnmower like it’s a calf at a rodeo. whenever tim expresses shock that bruce knows how to do something he says “i did go to college, tim” as if that explains anything and it becomes a meme. whenever anyone does something fucking absurd it just gets tagged “i did go to college, tim”.
The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.
The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]
“Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.”
“Ask Alfred.”
→→→
“It’s a surprise for Alfred.”
“You can’t surprise Alfred.”
“Bruce, please.”
→→→
“It’s not a matter of permission, I’m saying you literally can’t surprise Alfred.”
→→→
[he hates when i say that]
“Bruuuuce.”
“No.”
“This is bullroar.”
Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.
→→→
[oh no now we’ll be here all day]
“—either curse or don’t, just commit one way or the other instead of—”
→→→
The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.
“Can I drive?”
“No.”
→→→
[after this he took away my music privileges]
Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, “Sandstorm” by Darude.
→→→
“I’ll play something different this time.”
“You had your chance and you blew it on a meme.”
→→→
[SJGJDH;FUKC 😂😂😂]
“I’m boooored.”
“Hi, bored,” Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. “I don’t give a shit.”
The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.
→→→
The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. “Can I get a trampoline?” he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.
“We have three trampolines.”
“But I want that one.”
→→→
They were in the chip aisle. “Have you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?”
“I am a person. I eat food for people.”
→→→
The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.
“We’re not getting those.”
“We need to get sour cream, too.”
“No.”
“You’ll love it.”
“No.”
→→→
Tim had put the seatbelt of the cart’s seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.
“I thought you were getting something for Alfred.”
“I’m getting groceries while we’re here.”
“None of this is food.”
→→→
[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]
Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.
“—costs extra to not waste food?”
“It’s Walmart.”
“Even taking into account the economies of scale—”
→→→
[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]
“—it just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they don’t go bankrupt in the—”
→→→
[i think he’s buying a pickle company??]
Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.
→→→
[lmao he did]
Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.
“—the business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if you—”
→→→
Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.
“Absolutely not.”
→→→
Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.
“I bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.”
“Your lies demean us both, Tim.”
→→→
Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.”
“Then why are you acting confused?”
“Why does Thomas the Tank Engine—”
→→→
[🌈🌈🌈]
Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.
“—disturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.”
“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “What about the gay babies?”
“I can’t tell if you’re joking but I’m unironically concerned.”
→→→
[gotham pride]
The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.
“Who you texting it to?”
“Friend in Metropolis.”
“Metropolis sucks.”
“Yes. Yes it does.”
→→→
[no escape]
The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.
→→→
[???]
Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.
→→→
[i’ll strike while he’s distracted]
Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile he’d already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.
→→→
[busted]
While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.
→→→
[he’s gonna get a fish]
Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, “These fish are very unhealthy.”
→→→
[HE’S BUYING ALL THE FISH]
The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.
“We’re here to save you,” Tim stage-whispered to it.
→→→
Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.
“—if I bought some tanks — they’re much too small but as a temporary measure — we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.”
“Maybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?” one young man suggested.
→→→
The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.
“—for trying to unionize is completely against the law,” Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.
“At-will employment,” one woman said.
“We’d have to prove that was why they fired us,” someone clarified. “Otherwise they can say it was for no reason.”
“You’re shitting me.”
→→→
“—fucking with my hours hoping I’ll quit.”
“What? Why?”
“If they fired me, they’d have to pay unemployment.”
“That’s why they won’t let me work full-time.”
“What the fuck.”
→→→
[omg he’s stealing the employees now]
“—in Gotham, but there’s more opportunities outside of manufacturing if you’re willing to move.”
“Wait, so do you mean like for management?”
“No, no, that’s the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. We’re all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.”
“So if I—”
→→→
The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.
“You painted this?” Bruce asked. She nodded. “That’s fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery — actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend who’d really love this, if you don’t mind me making some calls for you.”
→→→
Four more employees had joined the menagerie.
“—almost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.” Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. “Employee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.”
→→→
[trying to crush the revolution]
The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.
→→→
[THEY CALLED THE COPS]
Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.
“The manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldn’t stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.”
→→→
[WE’RE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]
Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.
→→→
Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.
“They’re small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? I’m not suggesting you already know them, I’m well aware you don’t personally know every single fish—”
→→→
“Either you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesn’t matter where I found them.”
→→→
[i’m not allowed near toxic waste]
Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruce’s face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.
“I’m keeping this one,” Tim said.
“Fine.”
“If I drop him in toxic waste do you think he’ll get powers?”
“We’ve already had this discussion.”
→→→
[the pettiest man in gotham]
Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.
“Yeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Market’s doing good, we’ll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while it’s under construction? A really big billboard.”
→→→
“First of all, if it’s in writing, it’s libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders aren’t defamatory. What’s the most they could even sue me for? See, that’s nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it's—”
→→→
Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruce’s face would be in the shot. “Bruce, look! You’re a pretty pretty princess!”
Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. “I’m always a pretty princess,” he said seriously.
→→→
[he picked the music this time]
Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasn’t any irony.
→→→
[i named him wally]
The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”
this post had me in tears
I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:
I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn
Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”
Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.
This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))
I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”
Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.
When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”
something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”
one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”
Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniffing me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like “hello” or “good morning” or “cute dog” or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying “thank you”.
I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but i dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between “my drink!” and “my keys” and ended up screaming “MY KINK.”
I walked up to this register,in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, and i wanted to say “You have a good day” and “You too” so it came out “You have a good do do”
I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T
This post is too good. I once tried to say have a nice day or have a good day to a customer and said ‘Have a nude gay!’. Still haven’t recovered.
OOC: i get really used to working nights or days at my work so i’m often jumbled between “have a nice night” and “have a good day” so often it comes out as “have a nice neigh” or “have a good date” or occasionally even “have a night die”
in first grade someone apologized to me and i responded by saying “you’re welcome” and i still haven’t recovered
one time while working at a summer camp I poured milk into some kids cereal looked him straight in the eye and said, “thank you”
One time I was checking our fridge and went to ask “Is anyone gonna have this cake” as I was reading the “chocolate” label on it, and cake/chocolate got mixed up in my brain so it came out as “is anyone gonna have this cock?!”
The people in the apartment below me are playing “Never Have I Ever” and I’m smoking on my porch creeping on their game
Guy 1: Never have I ever INTIONALLY walked in on my parents having sex Gal 1: fuck you brandon! It wasn’t intentional! I didn’t know what they were doing!!! Brandon (Guy 1): Shut up Katy no one is THAT oblivious take your drink
Katy: Never have I ever LOST a wet tshirt contest
(Good job Katy. You do you. Proud of you boo)
Gal 2: Never have I ever pierced my genitals Brandon: IT WAS IN FOR LIKE A MONTH! Katy: Whatever bitch, take a drink you Prince Albert having douche Brandon: I’m being singled out I hate you all
Guy 2: Never have I ever had a threescore [Pause] Guy 2: WHAT THE FUCK KATY?!?!?!?! Katy: Shut up Andrew it’s before we even knew each other this was years ago!!! [Pause] Andrew: And you won’t even watch porn with me…
(the family is disintegrating)
Brandon: Never have I ever been in such a confrontational game of Never Have I Ever….
[People saying ‘cheers’]
(stop fighting guys you’re tearing this family apart…..)
Andrew: Never have I ever had sex WITH a piece of food. [Pause] Andrew: Dude Brandon: Dude Katy: Dude omg Gal 2: what? Omg EVERY girl has practiced giving head with a banana! Katy: Um no Ester. SOME of us just practice on dicks. Ester: what the fuck though. Whatever.
(Don’t let them kink shame you Ester I still love you)
#TeamEster #BananaSplits
Andrew is testing a banana. Go for it andrew. Explore your wild side #TeamEster #TeamKink
Brandon: Never have I ever been called a fuckboy Katy and Andrew: TO YOUR FACE Brandon: Go fuck a banana Andrew
#TeamBananaFucking
Ester: Never have I ever had a crush on a family member Brandon: [random fumbling noises] Katy: brandon omg ew Andrew: yeah man come the fuck on wtf man its 2016 Brandon: SHE WAS MY COUSIN AND I WAS 13 IT’S NOT LIKE SHE WAS MY SISTER AND IT WAS JUST A CRUSH NOTHING HAPPENED Ester: methinks thou dost protest too fucking much Brandon: NEVER TELLING YOU SHIT AGAIN Andrew: Chug your drink, Sir IncestsALot Brandon: Chug a fucking banana Andrew
#TeamBananaFucking #TeamWhatTheFuckBrandon
Katy and Andrew have gone home in an Uber to apparently sex it up. Alway use a designated driver, kids. And always put protection on your Banana.
