theprinceandthepurl:

doctorofwhut:

One of the new professors at my school started a knitting club and will teach anyone who wants to learn but right now I’m the only other person in this entire school who knows how to knit. 

So now I have all these baby knitters wandering up to me in the hallways and between class and in the lab, wanting me to check their stitches and tension and wanting reassurance. 

Which is adorable but maybe not when I am literally holding a human heart in my hand? 

I love where this went lol.

(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)

Tags: laugh rule

if you’ve never seen one before

bmwiid:

disgustinganimals:

pkpow:

revolutionarygays:

bitterfucked:

deer are smaller than you think

raccoons are bigger than you think

bears are smaller than you think but you were pretty close

otters are bigger than you think no even bigger than that

wolves are bigger than you think

wild cats are smaller than you think but hopefully you’ll never see one

chipmunks are smaller than you think

so are mice but you’ve seen a mouse right

you were right about the size of moose, mostly

pigs are bigger than you think

coyotes are that size

so are foxes

woops bears are bigger than you think but only that one type

this is an informational post about mammals if you know more please do tell

buffalo are bigger than you’ve ever even imagined. you’ve never seen anything that big in your life i promise

@disgustinganimals is this fake news

depends on the deer

raccoons can steal your dog

there are many kinds of bears all of them will mess up your refrigerator

otters can fit under, on, or next to your kayak so what’s the problem

wolves are prehistoric proto-dogs that never left of course they’re huge they are the final evolution that we purposefully chose not to let happen they are almost big enough to ride but you’ll be dead before you or your child can mount one don’t do it

rodents ok

moose and buffalo can both fit two or three of what people think moose and buffalo are. don’t let bullwinkle take your car keys he doesn’t even fit

pigs are proto-boars. that means they are huge once they’re adults but still quite big at adolescents. big enough for wrasslin but I don’t wanna die

Fuck coyotes

foxes vary. some are tiny. cat sized. diminutive. babies but adults.

i warned you about bears, bro. i told you, dawg

platypus are TINY. like, kitten small. A+ smols. 

Deer are smaller than you think - stags are larger but not huge, hit em with your car and you’ll dent the deer and write off the car. 

Rats are larger than you think. Don’t let that cartoon fool you. if a rat is on your head, you’re gonna look like a RAT IS ON YOUR HEAD. large hat or no. 

Pigs are bigger than you expect by quite a bit. 

Wild boar WILL KILL YOU. 

Hare are not rabbits. They are swol rabbits. think baby kangaroos. 

I saw a manta ray once while scuba diving and it was the size of a fucking car. 

(via johanirae)

kvothe-kingkiller:

violent-darts:

the-desolated-quill:

anal-sneeze:

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

Originally posted by disneyasastrology

BWAHAHAHAHAH. 

the way i learned this, it was always told through spoken word. And you’d do the door thing for ages. AGES. literally just making up any old material. ‘behind the foam door is a door made of spinach’ that kind of shit. Go on until whoever is listening has already begged you to stop and has now gone on to pleading, clutching your shirt on their knees pleading. And when you finally said the last line? People went fucking nuts Like there was a good chance of just getting the teeth knocked out of you after telling that joke.

A friend of mine did that shit for 30 minutes on a camp once. The entire fucking bus just exploded in anger when she finished. It was a fucking massacre. 

(Source: wagecucks, via yea-lets-do-this-shit)

wear-it-like-armour-bastard:

hearthawk:

Scientists are such nerds.

This was me with my ias

(Source: theamericankid, via johanirae)

pedanticlecturer:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

ok, but like odysseus’s player was definitely the asshole who fucks up every plot point homer wanted to introduce into the story. agamemnon accidentally orders everybody to go home and the troops are about to set sail? odysseus’s diplomacy modifier says otherwise. some asshole’s trying to provoke mutiny and desertion in the ranks? an intimidate check makes it not a problem. they’re losing battle after battle? stealth check into the enemy camp and straight up sneak attack the sleeping trojan allies to death. achilles is dead and the war is all but lost? FUCK YOU my giant wooden horse and my bluff beg to differ. 

when it comes time for odysseus to play his solo campaign, the DM just rubs his hands together ominously and laughs.

daybreak57:

itsalburton:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: You spot your enemy in battle. What do you do?
Paris’ player: I fire an arrow at him, ignoring his armor. *rolls a 6 for accuracy*
Homer, the DM: You hit him where he has no armor, but in a non-vital area.
Achilles’ player: Damage done?
Paris’ player: *rolls a natural 20, gets a 4 point bonus from Rage*
Homer, the DM: Lethal.
Achilles’ player: Fuck…

Homer, the DM: Alright, your wife’s suitors are attempting to string your bow. *rolls behind screen a few times* A few of them fail miserably.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, let me try. I pick up the bow.

Homer, the DM: The suitors begin laughing and jeering at you. Give me a strength check.

Odysseus’s player: *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: You string the bow. Thunder booms. A cat dies in a nearby house. One of the suitors busts a nut. Your glamour is starting to wear off.

Odysseus’s player: As my glamour wears off, I shoot an arrow through all three hoops at the target. *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: The arrow flies through the hoops and skewers the target. The suitors notice your glamour wear off and are terrified. None of them have ever seen you in person, though, so none of them recognise you.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, I shoot them.

Homer, the DM: Shoot who?

Odysseus’s player: The suitors.

Homer, the DM: Which ones?

Odysseus’s player: *pauses for a second* Yes.

(via beauty-nova)

ultrafacts:
“ omg-fa:
“ ultrafacts:
“Source For more facts, follow Ultrafacts
”
Somehow i find thus funny
”
Slovakia actually has a whole page on their website about this confusion: http://www.slovak-republic.org/slovenia/
”

ultrafacts:

omg-fa:

ultrafacts:

Source For more facts, follow Ultrafacts 

Somehow i find thus funny

Slovakia actually has a whole page on their website about this confusion: http://www.slovak-republic.org/slovenia/

image
image

(via ultrafacts)

classlesscass:

agent-anti-social:

thatsthat24:

Urgent Announcement 🚗

can you believe it I’m on the radio

Tag yourself in both radio Thomas and driving Thomas

(Source: thatsthat24, via slyrider)

"But I will say the most drunk I’ve ever been was when I had moonshine, and it wasn’t the first time I’d ever had it, but I’d never had a lot of it ‘cause my step-dad was like ‘here’s a pinch of moonshine’ and I was like ‘I don’t like this’.
But I drank a bunch with my neighbor and then we ate, it was peach moonshine and they had a peach soaking in it, and we ate the peach. And what I remember from that night is literally not a damn thing. But I woke up the next morning, there was dirt in my bed and I had stolen a hymnal from a nearby church.
So the lesson here, kids, is please drink responsibly. Don’t break and enter into the house of the Lord."

— Molly (@ofgeography) on responsible drinking, from the most recent episode of Wait Wait What’s Icing? @waitwaitwhatsicing
(via thatwasfunwhileitlasted)

(via ofgeography)