Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

animatedamerican:

bigscaryd:

rosegoldlips:

rosegoldlips:

ur personality is defined by ur favorite line in hallelujah

tag your favorite line of hallelujah

“tag your favorite line of hallelujah” scans to Hallelujah.

…

you tried to read the words as prose
but noticed how its scansion goes
and now you can’t unhear the tune, so screw ya
recall the phrase you love the most
then once again reblog this post
and tag your fav’rite line of hallelujah

(via determamfidd)

twobigears:

muchadoaboutknotting:

rcktpwr:

elderscrollsivoblivion:

what are the most powerful dog breeds

tibetan mastiffs are physically super strong but borzois have deep affinity for ritual blood magic

depends on your measurement method; if you’re looking at rage per unit mass, look at the chihuahua

500 chihuahuas of rage

(Source: parkerssblog, via windbladess)

incurablenecromantic:

Sometimes people like to write things about florist’s shops.  Here are two things you need to know, the most egregiously wrong things.

1. It makes no fucking sense to sketch out a bouquet before you make it.  Every individual flower is different in a way that cannot really be adjusted the way other building materials can be adjusted, and each individual bouquet is unique.  Just put the fucking flowers together.

2. No one — in months and months of working at the flower shop — has ever cared what the flower/color of the flower means.  No one’s ever asked.  It’s just not something people tend to care about outside of fiction and it’s certainly not something most florists know.  You know what florists know?  What looks good and is thematically appropriate.

Here’s an actual list of the symbology of flowers, as professionals use it:

Yellow – for friends, hospitals
Pink – girls, girlfriends, babies, bridesmaids
Red – love
Purple – queens
White – marriage and death (DO NOT SEND TO HOSPITALS)
Pink and purple – ur mum
Red, orange, and yellow – ur mum if she’s stylish
Red, yellow, blue – dudes and small children
Blue and white – rare, probably a wedding
Red and white – love for fancy bitches

Here are what the flowers actually mean to a florist:

The Fill It Out flowers:

Carnations – fuck u these are meaningless filler-flowers, not even your administrative assistant likes them, show some creativity
Alstroemeria – by and large very similar to carnations but I like them better
Tea roses – cute and lil and come several to a stalk, a classy filler flower
Moluccella laevis – filler flower but CHOICE
Delphinium – not as interesting as moluccella but purple so okay I guess
Blue thistle – FUCK YEAH, some fucking textural variety at last!  you’re getting this for a dude, aren’t you?
Chrysanthemums – barely better than carnations but better is still better
Gladiolus – ooh, risky business, someone understands the use of the Y-axis, very good

Focal points:

Long-stem roses – yeah whatever
Lilies – LBD, looks good with everything, get used as often as possible
Hydrangeas – thirsty fuckers, divas of the flower world and rightly so, treat them right and they make you look good
Gerbera daisies – the rose’s hippie cousin, hotter but no one admits it
Peonies – CHA-CHING, everybody’s absolute favorite but you need guap
Orchids – if this isn’t for a wedding you’re probably trying too hard but they’re expensive so keep ordering them

You know what matters?  THE CUSTOMER’S BUDGET.  THAT’S TELLING.

-$20 – if you’re not under 12, fuck off, get your sugar something else
$30 – good for bouquets but an arrangement will be lame
$40 – getting there, there’s something that can be done with that.  you can get some gerbs or roses with that and not have them look stupidly solo.
$50 to $70 – tolerable
$80 – FINALLY.  It sounds elitist but this really is the basic amount of money you should expect to spend on an arrangement that matters.  That’s your Mother’s Day arrangement.  You’re probably not going to spend $80 on a bouquet.
$90 to $130 – THE GOOD SHIT, you’re likely to get some orchids
$130+  – Weddings and death.  This amount of money gets you a memorial arrangement or a handmade bridal bouquet.  Don’t spend this on a Mother’s Day or a Babe I Love You arrangement, buy whosits a massage or something.

Miscellaneous:

• Everything needs greening and if you don’t think that you’re an idiot. 
• As a new employee, when you start making arrangements, you can’t see the mistakes you’re making because you’re brand new and you’re learning an art form from the ground up.
• With a few exceptions customers don’t have a clear plan in mind.  They want you to develop the bouquet for them.  They want something that will delight their little sweetbread but you’re lucky if they know that person’s favorite color, let alone flower.
• Flower shops don’t typically have every kind of flower in every kind of color.  Customers generally aren’t assed about that.  Most people don’t care about the precise shade of the rose or having daffodils in July, because they’re not boning up on flower language before they buy.  That would imply that they’ve got a clear bouquet in mind and, again, they don’t.
• Being a florist is essentially a lot like what I imagine being a mortician is about.  You’re basically keeping dead things looking good for as long as possible.  You keep the product in the fridge so it doesn’t rot and look horrible by the time the family gets a whack at it, and in the meanwhile you put it in a nice container.

Anyway that’s flowers.

(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)

Great Balls of Fucking Fire!

dragonimpala67:

(Title because everyone titles their shit ‘humans are weird’ and telling these posts apart is a pain in the ass!) So, saw a post about aliens not being all that great with human swearing. (Wish I’d saved the damn post!) And my first thought was ‘Ah, yes, good! Go with that! That is awesome!” They pointed out that aliens wouldn’t understand swearing such as “Fuck!” or “Asshole!”. I thought “Motherfucker” would be another great one to add to the list. But what about the more um…inventive swears? For example (these are all ones that I use or have heard used):

---

Human: “Jesus Christ on a crutch!”

Alien: “Where? And how was your deity hurt? For that matter, how did your deity board the ship?”

---

Human: “Well fuck me sideways!”

Alien: “I do not think that is anatomically possible for either of us…”

---

Human: “I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you fine sir are the fucking cactus!”

Alien: “Fucking…cactus? Why would you wish to engage in coitus with a dessert plant? Wouldn’t it hurt?!”

---

Human: “Son of a biscuit eating bull dog!”

Alien: ?????

---

(Damnit, now I’m on a roll.) But consider some of these other things. What about human name calling? Like, the original post touched on that a bit with the ‘asshole’ comment. But again, what about the more inventive name calling? Children call each other ‘meanie’, ‘poopoo head’, and ‘meanie head’. Those would be confusing enough. Now picture an alien having to deal with adult name calling. Some of my friends have been known to use the following:

• Twat waffle
• Cunt biscuit
• Shitlet
• Douchebag
• Ass goblin
• Fuckwit
• Ass clown
• Captain Obvious (and their partner, Sergeant Sarcasm)
• Butt Munch
• Fucktard
• Dick face
• Shit nibbler (or nibblet)
• Cheeky dickwaffle
• Pecker head
• Dingleberry

Can you picture an alien reacting to THOSE? And what about colloquialisms? What about those stupid sayings that don’t entirely make sense, but we use them anyway? Like, check out some of these beauties, and just imagine the alien’s glorious confusion over some of these:

 Human: “I am dragging so much ass that I am wiping out the tracks behind me!”

Alien: “Human you can’t leave tracks on a spaceship, nor is you posterior currently touching the ground.”

---

Human: (doesn’t trust some space pirate) “You can shake his hand, but you’ll have to count your fingers afterward.”

Alien: Promptly hides human’s hands, he didn’t know that that space pirate was a finger stealer! Or that finger stealers were a thing! Are their own tentacles close enough to count? Should they be worried? Don’t worry, I will protect your fingers my human!

---

Human: “We better dock soon, because I’ve got to pee like a motherfucker/ racehorse/ mother racehorse (that last is my families fusion of the two. Dont ask).

Alien: ???? (doesn’t compute) ?????

---

Human: “I’m so hungry I could eat a (insert large animal or item of choice. Such as ‘Spaceship’)!”

Alien: Races off to warn captain that they need to up the human’s food intake before it eats the ship right out from under them!!!!

---

Human: “He’s slicker than owl shit!” 

Alien: ?????

---

Human: “I’m busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!”

Alien: Gets migraine trying to picture how a human with one leg could kick anything, much less as a competitor.

---

Human: “Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off! Your hair is not on fire!”

Alien: Freezes mid-step to stare at human. “W-what?”

Just picture all of these guys!

(via windbladess)

shakespork:

shakespork:

i love it when youre drinking citrus drinks and you cant feel your tongue and your entire face starts sweating its so cleansing

my doctor said im allergic to citrus

(via ifeelbetterer)

voxeterna1:

So ,I’m a music teacher and every year we have what are called “walk through observations”. Basically, this means that 4 times a year the principal or vice principal comes into my class to assess my teaching. Fine. Sure. No problem.
Well, today I was doing an activity with my 1st graders called “Musical Groceries”. Basically, they make up a fake shopping list and then together we figure out what the rhythm of the words on the list is. To do that, a small group of students plays the beat on the conga drum while the rest of the students move around the room while chanting the word. It sounds weird but it’s a great way for the kids to figure out the relationship between syllables and rhythm.
They quickly get bored of walking the rhythm so I let them come up with their own ways of moving around the room.( skipping, hopping, etc) One student suggested they hop around the room like frogs, way down low to the ground. Okay fine.
Or it was fine until my vice principal walked in to do my observation only to find 20 seven year olds hopping around the room like a hoard of little hob-goblins, rhythmically chanting “BREAD! BREAD! BREAD!” while five other kids played ominous beats in a drum circle.
I have never seen anyone look so confused in my life and I really don’t want to know the rating I got on my observation.

(via skymurdock)

lylasdaddyalpha asked: Sometimes I forget that I am a PORN blog that posts PORN, not animorphs things anymore. But you reblogging my Mcdonalds story just got me like 70 new notes on that post and I'm just scrolling through your blog now, not a care in the world. Lol

This is it, this is my favorite ask that I have ever gotten in my entire life.  I hope you’re enjoying Ye Olde Blogge, my buddy, because this ask makes me laugh every time I look at it.

Originally posted by ihiphop