Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

littlestartopaz:

radioactivepeasant:

wetwareproblem:

signed-me-again:

littlepinkbeast:

littlepinkbeast:

nehirose:

animatedamerican:

dialmformara:

agitatedtortoise:

animatedamerican:

so tonight I’m at synagogue, listening to the Purim Night reading of the Book of Esther, like you do

and near the end of this chapter my brain presents me with the following:

nooooo ooooone plots like Haman
calls the shots like Haman
plans a genocide by casting lots like Haman

(It only works with the Hebrew pronunciation of Haman, which, like Gaston, is accented on the second syllable.)

By the time we get home my brain has added:

for there’s none so well-favored and kingly
yes, we all can be certain of that
he’s so rich that his pockets are jingly
and he looks really sharp in a three-cornered hat

*face in hands*

Petition to sing this every year at Purim.

I shared this with my dad, and he added:

No one’s spruce as Haman,
Nor abstruse as Haman;
No one’s half as good tying a noose as Haman!
He’ll use gallows in all of his decorating!
No one else hangs as well as Haman!

niiiiice

i know several people who will definitely appreciate this.

this is beautiful

oh wait

When I was a lad I hatched four dozen plots
Every morning, to raise myself high…
And now that I’m grown I hatch five dozen plots
So all those who oppose me shall die!

@wetwareproblem

@smallswingshoes

This is the most brilliant thing I’ve read today

@words-writ-in-starlight

gotinterest:

physicsphoenix:

dragtimdrake:

witchshaming:

kirby-ebooks:

ihamtmus:

corn-free-awesomesauce:

The best part of ‘me, an intellectual’ is that the grammatically correct pronoun would be ‘I’.

you: me, an intellectual

me, an intellectual: I, an intellectual

hi where the fuck do you think that fragment is getting nominative case. listen to me. subjects of transitive verbs in nom-acc languages get nominative case by agreeing with a tense node. are you listening. fragments are accusative in english because that’s the default case when there’s no case-assigning node. meet me in the pit behind the denny’s and i will explain this to you. bring a whiteboard

you: The best part of ‘me, an intellectual’ is that the grammatically correct pronoun would be ‘I’.

kirby, a linguist: meet me in the pit behind the denny’s and i will explain this to you. bring a whiteboard

maybe my favorite post to ever happen

“hi where the fuck do you think that fragment is getting nominative case”

Does kirby-ebooks know that literally everything they said here is Iconic?

(Source: technicolor-werewolf, via redrowan)

daekie:

lilacsolanum:

[Yeerk gently rifling through my brain] You live like this?

#please the sharing help lift me out of my depression

(via speckeltail)

teaboot:

teaboot:

mjalti:

why come they called him “beast” in the castle when everyone knew his name cuz they’d been working for him forever anyway? like …. i would just be like “hey chewbacca-Adam” or some shit, there’s no reason to call him beast … id hide in my room all day too if my employees started making fun of me..

If my manager decided to pull some rude ass shit with a witch and got me living the next ten years of my life as an immortal singing toaster oven you can bet your ass I’d wake him up every goddamn morning with a flaming panini directly to the face. rise and shine, you ugly fuck, time hear a song

I call this one, “ode to an inconsiderate pissbaby” and the first 9 verses are just me screaming at various decibels

(via fandom-adoration)

Service Offered: Professional Third Wheel

glumshoe:

sissyhiyah:

glumshoe:

Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? To nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally. 

Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!

Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend. 

More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and  triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them. 

 Package deals: 

• The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic. 
  
• The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed. 
  
• The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone. 
  
• The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell. 
  
• The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.
  
• The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers - the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.  
  
• The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.
  
• The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.    
  
• The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.  
  
• Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences. 
  

Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.

IMPORTANT:
Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.

ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings.
ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.

Forget the fake suitor.

Marry me now.

It is against my policy to enter into legally-binding arrangements with clients, although by popular demand, I will attend weddings and family reunions as a plus-one to discourage nosey relatives.

Closeted lesbian or asexual, but your aunt won’t stop asking when you will get a boyfriend? I can be your mind-numbingly boring new beau for the day to put her off the scent. She’ll be so uninterested in my dull life that she’ll never inquire further.

Mom won’t stop trying to set you up with a nice Jewish or Hindi boy? I’m neither! Let her down gradually with your new white boyfriend before you eventually drop the ‘polyamorous bisexual witch’ bomb.

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

makeoutstation:

makeoutstation:

oh my GOD so i was talking to a buddy in psychology and then this kid came in who looked exactly like him and gave him a book he’d forgotten at home

and i went “holy shit you have a twin?!?” and he was like “yeah! his name is jason!” and i was like “????? i thought YOUR name was jason”

long story short i have one of them in my math class and another in my psychology class and i’ve developed a friendship with both of them but i thought they were the same person this entire time

remember this post? not-jason is refusing to tell me his name and everyone’s keeping it from me so i’m just calling him not-jason

(Source: coolmomsvevo, via clockwork-mockingbird)

blake-ash-mckenna:

thisishowik-roll:

kiss-harder:

problambmatic:

kiss-harder:

kiss-harder:

i just received a text from my best friend that said “so i think i’m gay” out of literally nowhere

so i’m like “dude sweet for real just like suddenly you realized or?”

and she says “well i pretty much just had sex with a girl so”

AND THEN DOESN’T ANSWER ME FOR AN HOUR

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AND THEN NOT EXPLAIN IT AT ALL

update: she couldn’t answer me because was still banging the girl

I wish this wasn’t so glaringly fake cause it would be kinda funny if it were real but its not real so its not funny and I’m being redundant for the purpose of conveying shut the fuck up and don’t make up bullshit for notes

i just scrolled back three months into a conversation to prove you wrong lmao bye bitch get off my fucking post

THE POST GOT BETTER

every time i see this i sit and read the whole thing bc it just makes me laugh. every time

(via fireflyca)