Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

sroloc--elbisivni asked: OKAY BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS what does the marriage look like from the side of the elves when they realize "man our weird cheesy prince actually landed quite a catch"

It’s a VERY SLOW realization on all parts okay, I can tell you that.

Well.  No.  That’s not quite true.  It takes about three weeks for the dwarves to realize that Legolas is actually…nice.  Which is weird.  Like, he’s an elf.  Elves are not nice.  Elves are dicks (there are a few people who make this generalization in Gimli’s hearing and he gets very defensive of the Lady of Lorien and also of his favorite asshole elf), but more to the point, elves are serious.  And Legolas…is not.  Sure, he can pull it together when he needs to and comport himself like a stiff unsmiling statue, but Gimli stubbornly drags him to Durin’s Day and blatantly ignores every disapproving eye as he teaches Legolas one of the old circle dances.

And like.  There’s no rules that say only dwarves can know the circle dances, not like Khuzdul (”Better not tell them about that yet, amrâlime,” Gimli says, grinning up at Legolas), but there’s sort of an expectation.  And Legolas picks it up quickly but the circle dances are all stomping feet and clapping hands and smiles and laughter and shouting, and it’s just WRONG to see an elf doing that.  It’s weird.  It’s so weird that everyone in Erebor is too in shock to actually protest.  But it does do wonders for proving that Legolas, while kind of an asshole (”’I am going to find the sun,’ remember that?” Gimli asks, arching an eyebrow, and Legolas smirks), is also kind of a puppy.

But the elves.  The ELVES.  Listen.

Listen.

I have many elves I adore with my whole heart, including but not limited to:

• The Lady Galadriel, the Eldritch Being of Light Middle-Earth Needs
• The Lord Celeborn, her loving house husband
  
• Elrond, who has survived approximately one billion horror movies and deserves a goddamn Rest
• Arwen Undomiel, the love of my life who I will defend with my last breath
• Elladan and Elrohir, her brothers who probably don’t give Aragorn a shovel-talk so much as “good luck buddy if you fuck up she’ll end you”
• Lindir, Elrond’s steward who, wow, puts up with so much
• Celebrimbor, the previous elf who had a dwarf buddy and who was also probably considered very weird because he liked smith-work

But the majority of the elves who see Gimli and Legolas wandering around largely respond with “Oh dear Eru Legolas we know you’re weird but you’re going to marry THAT” and Legloas kind of fidgets and their eyes get really big and they go “YOU ALREADY MARRIED THAT?”  (Fun fact: Tolkien elves get married by having sex, the ceremony of a wedding is entirely decorative, and they can tell from the way someone walks if they’re married or not.  And also elf hypermonogamy is a thing, which is 200% my jam.)  And then Legolas gets really angry and protective because HOW DARE YOU INSULT GIMLI, ONE OF THE NINE WALKERS, WARRIOR OF EREBOR.  And Gimli pinches the bridge of his nose and wonders if elf wine is really as strong as Legolas claims it is, and, if so, how much it would take to get him drunk.  But I digress.

It takes the elves a while to figure out that Gimli is, by dwarvish standards, the Ultimate Catch, is my point here.

Years.  It takes a couple years.  Maybe two.  Three.  For the really dense and/or bigoted ones, it might take a decade or more.  

Thranduil gets hate mail, basically, before he understands why he’s getting the hate mail other than the fact that He Is An Elf.  It’s mostly to the tune of “CONTROL YOUR OFFSPRING” and Thranduil sighs and slugs back another goblet of wine (”My Lord, it’s not even noon,” reinstated-as-captain Tauriel says, very flat, and Thranduil glares blearily at her and holds out his goblet because children marrying dwarves justifies many things) because he wishes he had that option.

And then there’s a diplomatic negotiation that comprises the Greenwood and Erebor nobility, and it’s the first time Erebor dwarves have been peacefully invited to Eryn Lasgalen in…ever, maybe.  Certainly in living memory.  And of course Legolas and Gimli are expected to be there, not just because they’re a symbol of the new intensely awkward truce, but also because they have an incredible amount of status themselves by this point–Legolas is a prince and Gimli is Lord of Aglarond, two of the Nine Walkers and the Three Hunters, warriors of renown from the Battle of the Black Gate, trusted advisers and dear friends of the King of Gondor and Arnor…

And there’s Legolas, dressed in silks and an elegant cloak and a crown and a dwarvish clasp in his hair and a cloakpin from the Lady of Lorien herself, and all of Eryn Lasgalen pats themselves on the back because hey, their weird prince did grow up pretty well even if his taste in life partners leaves something to be desired.  

And then there’s the life partner in question, several steps behind Legolas because they’re representing their homelands rather than their marriage and this is Eryn Lasgalen and Legolas is still the King’s son.  And Gimli is dressed in the finery of a dwarf lord, with a crown on his red curls and his beard braided intricately and gold clasps in his hair, with the Lady’s clasp on his cloak and the lines of his tattoos and scars clear on his bare arms, with a finely-worded compliment on his tongue for even Thranduil himself and a laugh that lightens the sky–

“Yavanna save me,” mutters one of Thranduil’s entourage.  “I want one.”

Anonymous asked: "You could have had a harem" Oh my god that's amazing.

Originally posted by redpyrofox

THANK YOU, I’M HERE ALL WEEK

Referring to this 100% accurate and serious post about Gloin’s thoughts on his son’s lovelife, for those of you who are wondering.

vardasvapors:

veliseraptor:

okay, this article is really good and I am all about the analysis of the way nk jemisin uses apocalypse in the fifth season but 

Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings and C.S. Lewis’s Narnia provide the blueprint; a just, magical realm is threatened with destruction by dark, corrupting forces, which must be beaten back by chosen hereditary rulers.

no, no, you’re wrong, because a) the force that defeats sauron is not a chosen hereditary ruler, and b) the really cool thing about tolkien’s cosmology is actually that he does this same thing where he uses apocalypse as both a destructive and creative force, the world has to be broken to be created, arda is created flawed and the promise of arda unmarred is a promise eternally deferred, peace in tolkien is fleeting and tends toward decay, I wrote an entire fucking thesis about this

when did I turn into a person who goes “tolkien’s universe is more morally complex than just ‘good vs. evil, chosen one defeats evil, the end’, fight me” because I’m not sure this is the person I want to be

The funniest part of that quote is that the main purpose and usefulness of lotr’s “chosen hereditary ruler” character is that…well, okay, this is a bit of a dubious rabbit hole, but even though Aragorn is not really a subversion of the destiny-driven heir-in-exile heroic trope, his big difference from other straight-played examples of it is that he knows that he’s really, really, not the protagonist of this particular story (not literally, but, like, functionally? When blocking out the in-universe factors that equate to narrative ones, which are abnormally self-aware here due to how meta LOTR is.) And further, he’s genre-savvy enough to realize that Sauron swears by the inevitability of predictable tropes in other people (because this has actually always worked for him - see: the Rings of Power, 2nd Age; Finrod Felagund, 1st Age) and therefore thinks Aragorn is the protagonist of this particular story.

And so, Aragorn’s main function is to take advantage of this misunderstanding by gathering up all the advantages of his chosen-one-hereditary-ruler-destined-hero-prophecy-fulfiller-ness – both personal (all his know-how and bamf-ery and connections acquired through the improbably cool past granted to him due to his membership in this archetype) and narrative (all the military resources and personal authority that are currently at his disposal due to plot events he was allowed to handle due to his membership in this archetype) – bundling it into a giant ball, and fastballing it at Sauron in the style of some kind of “Dark Lord vs Chosen One: which one can overwhelm the other one through superior might?” climactic battle as convincingly and distractingly as he can (not really expecting, but hoping, they will be of some help to Frodo and that Frodo will somehow save everyone). Which eggs on Sauron’s mistaken belief that he’s in a completely different story from the one LOTR actually is, thereby emptying Mordor of soldiers, focusing all the attention on the army outside the gate, and giving Frodo and Sam a clear path to Mount Doom. Weaponized protagonist-vibes used in the role of a supporting character, in order to serve the actual protagonist.

(yeah, ofc, big oversimplification of that B-plot’s many, many secondary meanings for the bigger scheme of things, but I mean, this is its primary meaning for the A-plot that everything else hangs on bc everything else is a lost cause otherwise.)

By “funniest” I mean…funny how so much lotr-inspired sci fi and fantasy tends to ape at face value the bullshit explanation of the plot that Aragorn fed Sauron/allowed Sauron to believe: “Yeah man, I’m totally the protagonist!! I mean, I’m the chosen one, and the heir of the guy who defeated you the first time, and everything, how could I not be the protagonist, and this attack is totally that big damn good vs evil battle that happens at the end of all the stories that’s against-all-odds for the dramatic tension, but which I expect to magically win due to being a protagonist, pay no attention to the hobbit behind the curtain, hahahahaha, hey, over here, keep your eyes on me, uh, remember this sword? Elendil!! Elendil!!”

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

flvffs asked: top six female characters (if this is still running??)

Oooo-hooo-hooo, it’s been a goddamn WHILE since I went into my inbox, yeah, I have a lot of stuff to catch up on.  But yes!  This is still going!  This is the top six meme, for those of you who (justifiably) have forgotten since a month ago.

Also, this ask if just goddamn MEAN.  How???  Am I supposed to pick????

By cheating ruthlessly, that’s how.

Books

• Jamethiel Priest’s-bane, of the Kencyrath Chronicles, because she’s fierce as fuck and rides a rathorn into battle and is probably going to end the world.  Literally what else could you WANT in a character.

• Harimad-sol AKA Harry Crewe and Lady Aerin Dragon-killer, and I’m cheating MORE by putting them in the same category because they’re from the same series.  They are my beloved childhood friends and heroes, okay, the Blue Sword and the Hero and the Crown are goddamn glorious.

• RACHEL.  Because GODDAMN ANIMORPHS.  I’m not going to say more because I’m writing an epic rant about every book as I reread it.  Also Cassie gets honorary mention because GODDAMN CASSIE.

• Hermione Granger.  C’mon, y’all, I’m part of the Harry Potter generation and I’m a Gryffindor, Hermione is basically mandatory for this list.

• Kitsune Yukiko from Stormdancer, my L O V E.  Someone come cry with me.

• Um!  Um!  I only have one more, um!  THERE ARE TOO MANY.  Fuck it, Galadriel.  And Arwen.  They’re tied for LOTR lady-love.  With Eowyn as a close second.

Movies/TV

• IMPERATOR FURIOSA, ‘nuff said.

• The Honorable Miss Phryne Fisher, because I’m literally watching Miss Fisher right now and remembering that I adore this show and have the worst crush on Phryne.  Also her lesbian doctor friend is awesome.

• Buffy Goddamn Summers.  

• Echo from Dollhouse.  “I’m not broken.”  And honorary mention to Dolores from Westworld.  “I imagined a narrative where I wasn’t the victim.”  God, stories about empty bodies being filled up with souls are my SHIT.

• Rey.  And General Leia Organa.

• MAKO MOTHERFUCKIN’ JAEGER-DRIVIN’ KAIJU-STOMPIN’ MORI

Comics

• Rogue.  I like shitkicker comics Rogue a lot more than movie Rogue, not gonna lie to you.

• Natasha Goddamn Romanoff.  

• Wonder Woman.  Because she’s fucking Wonder Woman.

• Kitty Pryde.  I feel that she has been grievously wronged by the movies and I’ve taken it very personally.

• Ororo fucking Monroe, god, Storm is everything to me, she’s a goddess.

• Jean Grey.  I know a lot of people think Jean is…I don’t know, boring or something?  But I just.  I love her a lot, I got started on the comics rather than the original movies, and Sophie Turner CRUSHED IT in Apocalypse.