friend: im so glad i met you… you’re so fun to talk to! i love talking to you…
me, to myself: no. you fool. its the other way around. i, in fact, am the one who is glad to have met you. i am overjoyed in your presence. do not say that you enjoy talking to me more.
Chug your ale each time Dickens introduces a new character.
Do a shot each time you look over your shoulder during 1984. Two shots if you get up to close the curtains.
Slam a Red Bull every time you turn the page in Wuthering Heights. Just to stay awake, really.
Take a sip of wine for every Biblical sin you’ve committed. Start at Genesis.
Drinking with friends
Take turns trying to recite the infamous 11,282-word sentence from Ulysses in one breath. Whoever stops first has to drink the most.
Smuggle booze into a library. Or go to your bookshelves. Pull out books at random, playing “Never have I ever” with books: “Never have I ever read Throne of Glass,” etc. All who have read the book in question must take a drink.
Take turns reading passages from The Bell Jar aloud. Whoever cries hardest must be cut off from alcohol immediately. This is followed by a group hug and gentle rocking.
Group-read a Shakespeare play and take a shot whenever there’s a joke about venereal disease, gender roles, or sexual relations.
Sometimes people like to write things about florist’s shops. Here are two things you need to know, the most egregiously wrong things.
1. It makes no fucking sense to sketch out a bouquet before you make it. Every individual flower is different in a way that cannot really be adjusted the way other building materials can be adjusted, and each individual bouquet is unique. Just put the fucking flowers together.
2. No one — in months and months of working at the flower shop — has ever cared what the flower/color of the flower means. No one’s ever asked. It’s just not something people tend to care about outside of fiction and it’s certainly not something most florists know. You know what florists know? What looks good and is thematically appropriate.
Here’s an actual list of the symbology of flowers, as professionals use it:
Yellow – for friends, hospitals Pink – girls, girlfriends, babies, bridesmaids Red – love Purple – queens White – marriage and death (DO NOT SEND TO HOSPITALS) Pink and purple – ur mum Red, orange, and yellow – ur mum if she’s stylish Red, yellow, blue – dudes and small children Blue and white – rare, probably a wedding Red and white – love for fancy bitches
Here are what the flowers actually mean to a florist:
The Fill It Out flowers:
Carnations – fuck u these are meaningless filler-flowers, not even your administrative assistant likes them, show some creativity Alstroemeria – by and large very similar to carnations but I like them better Tea roses – cute and lil and come several to a stalk, a classy filler flower Moluccella laevis – filler flower but CHOICE Delphinium – not as interesting as moluccella but purple so okay I guess Blue thistle – FUCK YEAH, some fucking textural variety at last! you’re getting this for a dude, aren’t you? Chrysanthemums – barely better than carnations but better is still better Gladiolus – ooh, risky business, someone understands the use of the Y-axis, very good
Focal points:
Long-stem roses – yeah whatever Lilies – LBD, looks good with everything, get used as often as possible Hydrangeas – thirsty fuckers, divas of the flower world and rightly so, treat them right and they make you look good Gerbera daisies – the rose’s hippie cousin, hotter but no one admits it Peonies – CHA-CHING, everybody’s absolute favorite but you need guap Orchids – if this isn’t for a wedding you’re probably trying too hard but they’re expensive so keep ordering them
You know what matters? THE CUSTOMER’S BUDGET. THAT’S TELLING.
-$20 – if you’re not under 12, fuck off, get your sugar something else $30 – good for bouquets but an arrangement will be lame $40 – getting there, there’s something that can be done with that. you can get some gerbs or roses with that and not have them look stupidly solo. $50 to $70 – tolerable $80 – FINALLY. It sounds elitist but this really is the basic amount of money you should expect to spend on an arrangement that matters. That’s your Mother’s Day arrangement. You’re probably not going to spend $80 on a bouquet. $90 to $130 – THE GOOD SHIT, you’re likely to get some orchids $130+ – Weddings and death. This amount of money gets you a memorial arrangement or a handmade bridal bouquet. Don’t spend this on a Mother’s Day or a Babe I Love You arrangement, buy whosits a massage or something.
Miscellaneous:
Everything needs greening and if you don’t think that you’re an idiot.
As a new employee, when you start making arrangements, you can’t see the mistakes you’re making because you’re brand new and you’re learning an art form from the ground up.
With a few exceptions customers don’t have a clear plan in mind. They want you to develop the bouquet for them. They want something that will delight their little sweetbread but you’re lucky if they know that person’s favorite color, let alone flower.
Flower shops don’t typically have every kind of flower in every kind of color. Customers generally aren’t assed about that. Most people don’t care about the precise shade of the rose or having daffodils in July, because they’re not boning up on flower language before they buy. That would imply that they’ve got a clear bouquet in mind and, again, they don’t.
Being a florist is essentially a lot like what I imagine being a mortician is about. You’re basically keeping dead things looking good for as long as possible. You keep the product in the fridge so it doesn’t rot and look horrible by the time the family gets a whack at it, and in the meanwhile you put it in a nice container.
lathori asked: Star Wars Camelot AU Fucking Go <3 Your Wife
CLEARLY Finn is King of Camelot, destined
ruler of all Albion, hero-king snatched from a training center designed to churn out
devoted soldiers for a dangerous faction rising in the wake of the previous
wicked king’s demise (Palpatine, obvs)
Rey is his queen and court enchanter, and
Finn met her after being separated from his guardsan attack by bandits—she
whomped him good with a staff and threw him into a lake with magic. Naturally, he brought her back to his citadel
and was like “This is our new court enchanter, she used to be a feral mountain
child” and within a few months everyone went “Hey Finn what if you got married”
and he went “Sounds great, meet your new queen!” And everyone was EITHER really delighted OR
completely horrified. They’re a kickass
couple and Rey is really good with seeing possible lines of influence and Finn
is actually a killer diplomat and basically they rock.
With the help of their Most Loyal and Trusted
Knight, who would DIE for his king, especially since Finn swooped in and saved
him when his quest went horribly awry in the process of booking it from the
First Order. Obviously this is the adopted
son of the Lady of the Lake, Sir Poe Dameron (du Lac)…
