The Marquis de Lafayette (left) informs General George Washington and Colonel Alexander Hamilton that the French will support America in the Revolutionary War.
smol Hamilton is smol
K I know Hamilton was small but this is ridiculous. It looks like Lafayette brought his 12-year-old kid along for the meeting.
What she means:
Bernie Sanders lost hardcore in the New York primary, costing him a generous lead in the election and a chance of changing the face of the White House. Hillary's win was called far too early as over 50% of New York precincts hadn't even finished counting their votes yet. Over 150,000 voters in Brooklyn, alone, were not able to pledge votes because of voter fraud, and some polling locations opened two hours late and were turning people away even then. The affidavits were not counted or even remotely taken into account, and just like Arizona, Hillary swept the vote with numbers not even remotely congruent with Gallup polls and voter surveys. And since she's the establishment, zero scrutinizing will take place, voter fraud will continuously dominate this election, and the lemmings that vote for her will inevitably buy into the establishment time and time again.
Okay, well obviously Anakin is the slave boy / man in black / Dread Sith Lord Vader. (But not the real Lord Vader. Anakin took the title from the man who supposedly killed him, but who in fact took him on as an apprentice; his name was really Dooku. He himself had inherited the title from the previous Lord Vader, who was not the real Lord Vader either. His name was Sifo-Dyas. The real Lord Vader had been retired thirty years and living like a king on Nar Shaddaa. It was the name, Dooku explained, that was important for inspiring the necessary fear. No one would surrender to the Dread Sith Lord Ani.)
Padmé is the simple peasant girl Palpatine picked to be Queen of Naboo. Originally, he planned to have her murdered on her coronation and the Trade Federation blamed for it, thus sparking the war that would bring him to power. But when that fails, he has to regroup and finally decides it’s going to be so much more moving when he has her killed not as an innocent victim but as a martyr.
Nute Gunray has been secretly hired by Palpatine to murder Padmé and start a war (a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition). He in turn has hired two mercenaries to help him with the task: the former Jedi padawan turned drunken soldier of fortune Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the prospector and prize fighter Dexter Jettster.*
Obi-Wan saw his Jedi master murdered by a mysterious tattooed Sith Lord when he was still a padawan. Now, Obi-Wan loved his master, and so naturally he challenged his murderer to a duel. He failed, but the Sith let him live, and now he has dedicated his life to revenge…and left the Jedi Order to seek it. He’s been searching for the tattooed Sith ever since.
Dex is honestly in this gig for the money, but he’s forever annoying Nute with his horrible dad jokes and puns, and in spite of himself he’s basically adopted Obi-Wan. The guy clearly needs someone to look after him.
Maul is the tattooed Sith Obi-Wan is searching for. He’s been working as Palpatine’s lieutenant all this time. His assistant Ventress keeps his Pit of Despair running smoothly.
Barriss is the Jedi healer who used to work for the Republic, until the Republic’s stinking Chancellor fired her (and all the other Jedi), and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject.
Ahsoka is not a witch, she’s her wife, but after what Barriss just said, she’s not even sure she wants to be that anymore.
Yoda is a very impressive clergyman indeed. Because of reasons.
*
A few choice scenes:
Anakin learning fencing and the Force and anything else people will teach him while playing aide to Dooku’s Dread Sith Lord Vader.
“Good night, Anakin. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”
*
Obi-Wan helping Anakin scale a cliff so that they can have a proper duel. “I see you’re a Sith Lord,” he says. “You don’t by any chance have tattoos on your face?”
“Do you always begin conversations this way?”
Obi-Wan tells his story, after which Anakin graciously removes his mask to show that his face is tattoo-free. And then they fight. It’s all very cordial.
*
“Why are you wearing a mask?” Dex asks. “Were you burned by lava or something?”
“Oh no, it’s just they’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”
*
Anakin and Nute Gunray have a battle of wits.
“But Sarlaac venom is from Tatooine, and Tatooine, as everyone knows, is entirely peopled with criminals, who are used to not being trusted as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.”
*
Padmé and Anakin escape to Tatooine (it’s definitely Tatooine), where they attempt to hide out from Palpatine.
“What are the three dangers of Tatooine? One, the lightning sand. No problem. Two, the sarlaac pits. There’s a growling sound that precedes those, so we can avoid them easily…”
“Anakin, what about the WROUSes?”
“Womp rats of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.”
A fight with several womp rats immediately follows.
*
Padmé makes a bargain with Palpatine to save Anakin’s life. At this point she hasn’t realized quite how awful Palpatine is, but even so, she’s already planning how she’s going to get out of this.
Unfortunately, Palpatine wastes no time at all, and Anakin is turned over to Maul to be tortured. There’s dismemberment involved. When Obi-Wan and Dex find him, he’s a mangled, limbless husk, and very definitely dead.
*
Or…maybe only mostly dead.
Obi-Wan tries several stories to convince Barriss to help. She finds each of these stories increasingly ludicrous.
“He’s the Chosen One, destined to bring balance to the Force!”
Barriss just stares at him. “Boy are you a rotten liar,” she says.
“I need him to help avenge my master, murdered these twenty years!”
Barriss is even less impressed by this, but she takes a look, and unfortunately for her, Ahsoka won’t give her any peace until she’s brought Anakin back. It takes a lot of doing. Not so much miracle pills as the miracle of modern cybernetics, but hey, it amounts to the same thing in the end.
Besides, Obi-Wan’s promised that if Barriss saves Anakin, Palpatine suffers humiliations galore, and that is definitely a noble cause.
*
Meanwhile Padmé has a crisis of conscience and goes barging into Palpatine’s office one night.
“It comes to this: I love democracy. I always have. If you tell me I must be your puppet Queen, please believe I will be leading a revolution by morning.”
*
Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Dex break into the Naboo palace by means of a cunning plan involving a hover sled, Ventress’ lightsabers, and a fog machine they found in Maul’s torture pit. (Look, Maul is absolutely the dramatic type who owns a fog machine. Don’t blame me. That’s just science.)
Rescuing Padmé proves to be the most difficult part of the whole plan, mainly because Padmé has already rescued herself, and finding her is a bit difficult. And then Obi-Wan catches sight of Maul the tattooed Sith, and he’s off on his quest for vengeance.
Meanwhile Anakin still can’t walk that well on his new legs and ends up having to bluff his way through a fight with Palpatine.** Or at least, to keep Palpatine occupied just long enough for Padmé to take him down with a stun blast.
(Anakin really wanted to kill him, but Padmé insists Palpatine has to stand trial. Anakin isn’t convinced; at least, not until she points out that Palpatine living a long life alone in prison with his failures would make a much more satisfying revenge.)
*
“Hello. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. You killed my master. Prepare to die.”
*
And of course, for maximum irony, this story ends with Obi-Wan becoming the new Dread Sith Lord Vader.
——————————-
* Okay, okay. I realize Dex as Fezzik is a stretch. But everyone else fits so perfectly and there’s really no one in the PT era who fits for Fezzik. I considered Chewie, but he doesn’t have a connection with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan apparently has no friends outside of Anakin and Dex. :( So.
** So I wanted to make a joke about “to the pain,” only I realized that what happens to Anakin in canon basically is “to the pain,” which…kinda destroys the humor tbh.
okay CAVEAT: i have, at times in my life, been a serious* student of ancient egypt and so while i am comfortable historically telling Mostly Untrue stories about ahasuerus (xerxes) and Mostly True stories about the maccabean revolt it is, technically, my duty as a historian to tell u all that Nothing In The Passover Story Actually Happened, There Are Literally No Historical Sources For Ancient Israelites Migrating To Or From Ancient Egypt At Any Point, This Didn’t Happen
*i have never been a serious anything
unfortunately for history, u know how historical accuracy in storytelling is just like hanukkah foods?
(no, how is historical accuracy in storytelling like hanukkah foods)
I Donut Care About It. okay so like
way back in the waybackwhen there’s this dude joseph, and due to a large number of improbable circumstances involving fashion choices, a huge pit, and some well-timed freud-style therapy, joseph becomes bros with the pharaoh of egypt. on account of this joseph’s entire family moves to egypt; on account of this all of their friends move to egypt; on account of this all the jews start living in egypt, because as u may know, we all know each other.
eventually joseph dies, and also joseph’s bro the pharaoh dies, and also a couple more pharaohs die after that, and finally the pharaoh is like WAITAMINUTE WE GOT A SHIT TON OF JEWS LIVING IN EGYPT. WHY AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
and decides the best solution to this problem is to make all the jews slaves, because of reasons
but unforch jews keep having babies, because… jews… so the pharaoh is all like U KNOW WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO? WE’RE GONNA TAKE EVERY JEWISH BOY BORN… AND WE’RE GONNA KILL HIM. THIS WILL HAVE NO REPERCUSSIONS WHATSOEVER.
you may ask to yourself, “hey, don’t the jews have, like, a god? where is god in all this?” u would be right in asking this, because the jews are also asking this question. where is god?? why is he not fucking shit up?? wasn’t there, like, a covenant or some shit?
and the answer is, after a couple hundred years god is like Huh Whatsit Whazza Huh Oh Shit Yeah Jews. Fuck. Yes. Jews. I Have Those Now. because this is what happens when u make deals with infinitely old and infinitely powerful spirits whose hobbies include “gardening” and “whining about gardening”.
so god looks around and there’s this lady, yocheved, who’s birthin’ a baby; and there’s a couple of midwives called shifra and puah who are like WOW THAT’S A BABY BOY??? HM OKAY GUESS WE GOTTA… WANDER OUT OF THE HOUSE… BEFORE WE COME BACK AND KILL HIM. SURE HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO HIM BEFORE WE COME BACK. WOULD SURE BE A SHAME IF HE WERE TO MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEAR BEFORE WE COULD DO THAT THING.
the baby’s big sister, miriam, is like I GOT THIS. and she steals a basket and the baby and runs off and dumps them both in the river, where they whack into the knees of an egyptian princess, who is like “oh shit now i gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”
“i have an IDEA,” says miriam, popping helpfully out of the bushes. “why don’t you keep the baby and say he’s an egyptian and he won’t die. but also give the baby a BABYSITTER. wow i found one. she is jewish and also my mother. WHAT A COINCIDENCE HAVE A GREAT DAY”
so the baby, moses, is Definitely An Egyptian!! Not Jewish At All!! but raised by jews with jewish values. (THIS ALSO HAPPENED TO FOUNDING FATHER ALEXANDER HAMILTON. LOOK IT UP.) and identifies largely as a jew
and one day he’s wandering along the pyramids and sees an egyptian whipping a jewish slave. he goes, NAH BRO, and kills the egyptian.
…have u heard of conflict management???? says the pharaoh, and kicks him out of the country. where he wanders and wanders and eventually meets a dude, becomes a shepherd for him, and marries one of his daughters, cos that’s how the life cycle works in Whateverthefuck BCE
one day he’s a-wanderin out in the desert when he comes across a bush. (you allllll know this bit.) and the bush is on fire but it’s not burning up and it starts yelling about taking his sandals off, etc, etc, and moses is like holy shit, it’s god.
Yeah, says god. Yes. I Definitely Remembered That I Had Jews And Now I Am Here To Free You From Slavery With A Genius Plan.
wow!!! says moses. what’s your genius plan!!!
Tell Pharaoh To Make You Not Slaves, says god.
uh, says moses.
Look, says god. You Got Any Better Ideas, Hotshot? I Don’t Think You Do. And I’mma Send Your Brother With You Cos You Got A Speech Disorder. You Know How I Knew You Got A Speech Disorder? Cos I’m God. So Fucking There.
so moses heads back to egypt and is all like, sigh, okay, let my people go. look. i have this cool staff and it turns into a snake. it will eat your magician’s snakes. wow. this is not homoerotic at all. can we stop being slaves?
lol, says pharaoh.
WELL THAT FUCKING WORKED, says moses to god.
LOOK! says god. Look. Look I Have A Lot Going On Right Now!! Okay!! Jesus God!!! Always With The Judging!! Look, Have You Considered Turning Their Entire River Into Blood? That Always Works For Me.
THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FIRST RESORT INSTEAD OF THE FUCKING SNAKE THING??? says moses.
so they turn the river into blood. pharaoh is like, okay, dude, i can make water red too, we live in egypt, it is called iron in the soil.
god is like, Nah, I Got More, Watch This Shit. frogs start pouring out of the nile; pharaoh’s like FINE Y’ALL CAN GO.
god’s like cool!!! bam no more frogs!! moses is like COOL BRO THE FROGS ARE GONE SO WE’RE GONNA LEAVE TOMORROW. pharaoh’s like haha what? leave? who said you could leave? no one said you could leave. you gotta get that hearing checked moses bro
FINE, says god, and sends a shitton of lice; same deal happens, pharaoh is like YEAH and then is like UNYEAH. god sends a shitton of flies; god sends a livestock disease; god sends boils; god sends hailstorms; god sends locusts; god sends darkness for three days; pharaoh is like LOL, NOT LETTING YOUR PEOPLE GO; ralph fiennes and val klimer have a great duet; everything is terrible.
so god says to moses, Okay. Tell Your People, Take a Lamb And Slaughter It, And Paint Its Blood Above The Doorway Of Your House.
you’re gross, says moses.
No, says god. You Don’t Get It. This One’s Serious.
so the jews paint their doorways with lamb’s blood. moses goes to pharaoh, says, dude, i know we’ve had our bad times. but this is your last chance. i don’t want this to escalate, you don’t want this to escalate. sure, your people have been keeping my people as slaves and mistreating us, but there’s some shit that we do not want to do.
hahahaha, says pharaoh. knew u were too chicken to go through with it. have fun being slaves, nerds.
so moses goes home, and the sky opens up, and the jews pray in their rooms all through the night and open the doors in the morning to a wailing in the streets, because the angel of death has killed the oldest child in every single egyptian household.
Moses, says god. You Gotta Get Out Of Here. Don’t Even Let Your Bread Finish Baking. Just Run.
the jews grab their shitty unrisen bread and their living children and they run as far and as fast as they can until they hit the red sea. at which point they realize, well, they’re fucked, because pharaoh’s army is behind them, and it’s coming after them to take them back to be slaves again.
god has been following along in a pillar of fire and smoke, and god’s voice from the pillar says, Okay, Moses, This One’s On You, Raise Your Snake-Staff Thing Over The Red Sea. and moses does, and the sea splits in two– the waters pulling back, the dry land before them– and the jews run and run and run, and behind them, the enormous wave of the water crashes onto the egyptian army.
(brief interlude: AND THE WOMEN DANCING WITH THEIR TIMBRELS FOLLOWED MIRIAM AS SHE SANG HER SONG (HEY!) SING A SONG FOR THE ONE WHOM WE’VE EXALTED, MIRIAM AND THE WOMEN DANCED AND DANCED THE WHOLE NIGHT LOOOOOONG)
and they keep walking through the desert, and the bitter iron water becomes sweet when moses puts wood into it, and bread falls from the sky when they are hungry, and god says, Okay, I’ve Got A Place For You, It’s Not Five-Star Or Anything, But It’s Got So Many Livestock And Bees That It’s Literally Flowing With Milk And Honey.
that’s wonderful!!!! say the jews. oh my god you’re literally the best we love you oh my god!!!!
Cool, says god. How Does ETA: Forty Years Sound To You.
so they all gather at mount sinai, and moses walks up the mountain like okay, kids, you have literally one job and that’s to not worship anything, ‘kay? KAY, say the israelites.
moses goes to argue with god for a long while, and the israelites are like HE’S GONE, HE’S DEAD, LET’S GO, MOTHERFUCKERS, and melt down all their jewelry and make a cool cow out of it and start worshiping the cow. moses comes down and is like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, smashes his tablets, has to go back up the mountain again.
Why Do I Even Keep These Assholes, says god.
i dunno, says moses. i guess if you wanted, you could wander off and let us be slaves for a hundred years. wait that would be terrible gosh you would never do that.
…Anyway, Let’s Get Stonecarving, says god.
down in the desert, we the jews make bad jokes at each other, get into arguments, poke at the gold cow bits, rest, wait for god to come back.
okay I know that there are terrible terrible people out there but listen
I also know that there are people who stop and smile at tiny plants growing out of sidewalk cracks, people who laugh so loud they snort, people who compliment others randomly, people who take pictures of their friends because they love seeing their friends happy, people who ramble about things that they’re passionate about, people who blush and stutter, people who are kind, people who are warm, people who love and love and love and love.
i once saw a scientist
on television.
and she was speaking generally
about science things
(being a scientist and knowing science things
etc.)
and, speaking generally
i am not a science
person,
and while i respect them,
i do not have much interest
in scientists
or science things.
so i went to switch the channel
at the precise moment that the presenter sitting beside the scientist asked:
what,
in your opinion,
is the most ASTOUNDING fact
about the universe
?
and this stopped me.
because it is not often that television presenters ask such interesting questions,
and the scientist was pursing her lips in a thoughtful way that made me think
i wanted to her her answer
to the interesting question.
after a pause,
she did not look directly at the
camera,
but directly at the presenter.
did you know,
she said,
that there are atoms in your body.
the presenter laughed.
of course,
he said.
what else would my body be made of?
well,
said the scientist,
and i did not need to look at the television screen to know
she was smiling.
do you know where those atoms came from?
well,
said the presenter.
and he did not say anything else.
i snickered from my place in the armchair
and the scientist smiled again.
the most ASTOUNDING fact that i have ever known,
she said,
is not a fact, specifically,
but the story of every atom on this planet.
the ones that make up the grass and the sea and the sand and the forests and the human
body.
these atoms came
from stars.
the presenter sat forward and so did i.
stars,
continued the scientist,
are mortal
like humans.
they die,
and, in their later years,
are unstable.
it pains me a little to say it, but a star’s death
is far more dramatic than a human’s.
is it? asked the presenter.
the scientist was looking at him still,
and i felt strongly as though i was listening in on a very private
conversation.
it is, the scientist nodded. the stars
i am referring to,
she said,
collapsed and exploded a very long time ago, and scattered their enriched guts across
the entire universe.
here, she paused, and her words caught in my mind in a way that made me wonder
if she was a scientist
or a poet.
their guts, she said whilst sipping from a glass of water, were splayed across every
inch
of time and space.
these guts were made of the
fundamental ingredients
of life and existence.
carbon and oxygen and nitrogen and hydrogen and all the
rest of it.
all in the bellies of these stars that flung themselves across the universe in protest when it was their time to die.
and then? asked the presenter.
the scientist’s lips quirked upwards. and then, she said.
it all became parts of gas clouds.
ones that condense and collapse and will form our next solar systems -
billions of stars with billions of planets to orbit them.
and these planets have the ingredients of life sewed into the very fabric
of their own lives.
so, she said, smile still playing on her lips -
where do your atoms come from?
from those gas clouds, said the presenter.
no, said the scientist.
from those stars.
every atom, every molecule, every inhale and exhale and beat of your heart, is traceable
to the crucibles that cooked life itself.
and you are sitting here and so am i and so are your viewers at home,
and we’re all in the universe, aren’t we?
yes, said the presenter.
but i’ll tell you what’s even better, the scientist smiled wider.
the universe is in us. your atoms and my atoms and your camera men’s atoms came from those stars. you’re connected and relevant without even having to try. you are made of stardust and the fabric of the universe.
that is the most ASTOUNDING fact
i can tell you.
the presenter smiled and the scientist smiled wider and i smiled too,
and later i switched the channel to something less scientific
and wondered if i should feel small,
tiny and insignificant in relation to the stars that collapsed and exploded and
threw themselves everywhere.
and that is how my mother found me,
sitting on the sofa.
and she asked me what was
wrong,
and i said,
nothing. i’m just a lot smaller than stars are.
my mother is very literal woman. as such, her natural response was:
of course you’re not. don’t you see how small stars are?
that’s only from a distance,
i said.
maybe you’re looking at yourself from a distance too, she said.
and she left the room and it is years later now, but i still
think about the scientist and what she said
and my mother and what she said
and i still see the presenter on television.
and i still think that the stars are very big
but now i think,
they are in me.
so i am big too.
oh my god, is this my thing now. OKAY, fair warning, this one’s gonna be… real long.
OKAY SO LIKE. way back in the waybackwhen, we’ve been kicked outta judea for the… first? second? first time. (we got kicked out of israel/judea a… few times. we got kicked out of spain twice, we got kicked out of the netherlands three times, we got kicked out of france and bavaria five times, we got kicked out of mainz in particular four times
god bless the gentiles honestly they’re god’s appointed travel agency. ANYWAY)
so we’re in persia. and we’re under the rule of king ahasueare– king ahahasay– king ahasueueueueue-
KING AHASARARUARAUAEREASS, who is having a Party
and king ahdahahaah has a wife, vashti, who is among the hottest women in the whole country.
king aheshhh, who is quite drunk at this point, is like VASHTI. VASHTI I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND HAVE FUN AT THIS PARTY. I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND DANCE FOR US AND WEAR YOUR CROWN
vashti is like ughhhhhhhh FINE
king aaaaaaahhahaha is like …ONLY YOUR CROWN
vashti is like …not fine
so, because this is ancient persia and men are terrible, vashti is promptly divorced and king aughjesus decides to hold the Country’s Biggest Beauty Contest, where the Most Beautiful Women in Persia will all audition to be his wife!!! (I TOLD YOU MEN WERE TERRIBLE)
MEANWHILE haman, a smug motherfucker with a three-pointed hat, is a councillor for the king. haman, because ancient persia does not have any kind of government that could be labeled “sensible”, makes a law that says Everyone In This Country Must Bow Down To Me When I Pass, because Reasons.
BUT, guess who does not bow down to people, you guessed right, it is the jews. chiefly and specifically in this instance an equally smug (but much less powerful) motherfucker by the name of mordecai.
haman passes mordecai, is like “you don’t look like you’re bowing??? that is not a bow shape??? exPLAIN.” mordecai is like “r u god? i don’t think yr god? i think god would have better taste in hats? so”
so haman is plotting like a motherfucker, which he is, and mordecai is Mad Afraid, but there is no time for plotting or fear because guess what it’s beauty contest time, motherfuckers
and guess who mordecai has enrolled in it, it is HIS NIECE, ESTHER
esther is hotter than vashti, but, like, in a chiller way. in my head, samira wiley. (in my head, esther is a lesbian. in my head esther is my girlfriend. right. ANYWAY)
king ahooleyhoo immediately picks esther, as she is the Most Beautiful Woman In A Ten Thousand Mile Radius (as are all jews OBVIOUSLY), and she is taken up into the palace to be the most beautiful and powerful woman in a ten thousand mile radius. and she is also mad smart, so
meanwhile haman has finished his Plotting and has resulted in this: he is going to get revenge against mordecai by Killing All The Jews.
“oh yeah,” say the jews. “real original.”
mordecai goes, well, coincidentally, i happen to have a niece who is the queen of persia. and ollies over like ESTHER? ESTHER HAMAN IS PLOTTING TO KILL US ALL. ALL THE JEWS. DO SOMETHING
esther is like, i have a solution to this. the solution involves getting naked.
so she holds a banquet for her husband the king, and at the banquet is like WOW… GOSH… I’M VERY NAKED… AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BANQUET. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX AND GOOD FOOD, DARLING HUSBAND
darling husband is like fuck yes, gets drunk as shit. esther is like okay. yes. now that you are full of good food and heavily sexed up, can i have a thing. can that thing be that you vow to protect me from anyone who wants to kill me
…sure, says king aheshehaara. sg.
great, says esther. havin a banquet tomorrow night too. be there or be square
king ajldfghfdghk;dfghufgsdoi has no desire to be square, so he comes to the banquet tomorrow night to find that esther has also invited… HAMAN? “well,” he thinks to himself, “i have never pictured this threesome before, but y’know, life is a rich tapestry”
but eventually esther goes “ah okay remember that promise to protect me from anyone who would kill me. what if i told you. i knew a dude who would do that thing”
“I WOULD SUPER KILL THAT DUDE,” says king ahassafrass, who has exactly 2 problem-solving methods
“great,” says esther. “what if i told you… THIS IS THE DUDE.” AND SHE POINTS AT THE DUDE. WHO IS HAMAN. WHO IS AT THE TABLE!!!
!!!!! says king ahahahahhfewsse.
!!!!!! says esther.
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ says haman.
so esther REVEALS SHE IS A JEW! and that haman is implicitly PLOTTING TO KILL HER! (“i didn’t– I WAS NOT AWARE,” says haman. “WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING CHECKED THEN,” says esther. “OR WAIT. ANOTHER SOLUTION. IT’S DAWNING ON ME. AN EPIPHANY. YOU COULD NOT KILL PEOPLE”)
the king has haman hanged on the gallows on which he was planning to hang all the jews. and guess who is instituted as councillor in his place, that’s right, MORDECAI
who declares that the anniversary of Us Not Being Dead shall be celebrated every year forever with dressing up in costumes, and also that we shall eat little cookies shaped like haman’s hat, and also that whenever haman’s name is mentioned we will yell like hell
hey, says king aharseadslic. could, theoretically, this holiday include getting so drunk you can’t tell the difference between mordecai and haman
…i guess so, says mordecai
right, says king ahasuerus. carry on, haman
AND SO WE CONTINUE THESE TRADITIONS OF EATING COOKIES, WEARING COSTUMES, AND GETTIN SLOSHED, even SCATTERED ACROSS THE WORLD; and yes, i will be spending my thursday gettin drunk on my way to rome
so pour yrself a whiskey, put on a fake beard, and raise a glass: it’s purim 5776, and guess what, motherfuckers?
the funny thing about dril posts is that they actually do have a structure to them– they hit a kind of conceptual caesura halfway through, a point where there’s no inevitable logical connection between what’s been said and what’s still to come. here, the first sentence didn’t need to result in the second, yet it’s not “lol random” either; the speaker is angry about his boss’ draconian ferret-kissing policy, and reacts in kind, and even the reference to a “screen saver” reminds us that we’re in an office. it’s a narrative progression that, despite having an internal logic, alienates its punchline from its setup. who the hell is this person?
one thing i love about @dril posts is how they all seem to take place in a universe that is somewhat like our own, but with the habitus of white middle america taken to a bizarre, absurd, but strangely logical conclusion. take this one, for instance:
so we have our setting: a security guard protecting the american flag in the betsy ross museum, something almost archetypically american and middle class. but once again the first part, or setup, for the punchline, “fucking the flag,” careens the joke into an alien punchline that still, given the setting, makes sense. @dril’s security guard character imitates a sort-of cop-talk, the banter of a security guard, “buddy, they wont even let me fuck it”. you can imagine a similar response from a guard at any museum, but we’re talking about Fucking the American Flag, here.
i really love @dril.
it’s astonishing that a human being thinks of those posts. some person, someone out there whose existence we have to infer, because all we know is that those posts occur and they must be coming from somewhere. “the @dril tweeter” resonates as “the beowulf poet” does, except beowulf (which i’ve only read in translation, so i’m not an authority) has never made any use of the english language as baffling and sublime and somehow primally interlaced with the stuff of human consciousness as “IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL.”
This is my favorite post, I am so glad I found it again.
nothing fucked me up more than hearing the line “now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick, and it’s all in my head but she’s touching his chest” in mr brightside and REALIZING THAT SICK AND CHEST DON’T RHYME… ….SH E’S NOT TOUCHIGN HIS CHEST…..
