The guy next to me in a coffee shop is telling his date ‘You know you girls are all liars. Well, not all, but I’d say 80%. More than half.’
‘Girls think they have power over men by using sex as a bargaining chip and they don’t.‘
Now he’s telling her about a ‘psycho’ date he had who started telling him how ‘patronizing’ he was OUT OF NOWHERE
He’s a musician but he says he couldn’t date any of the ‘sheep’ who come to his gigs.
He’s been talking about himself literally nonstop since I sat down fifteen minutes ago. The scariest thing is the girl is listening actively, leaning forward, and smiling and giggling while I’m mentally screaming ‘Run, girl, run!’
Now he’s talking about gig he did for the troops in Afghanistan and how dangerous it was. ‘I could have been shot by a sniper at any second. But I was making people human. I was keeping them from going crazy. I was playing bass and crowd-surfing on my back. We were treated like ACDC. I had a prejudice about the military but you see the armed forces for what they are. They’re good people.’
He’s finally stopped telling her about the military and has gone back to covering every detail of his career. I still know absolutely nothing about his date.
Now he’s complaining about how bad the dancers were at one of his gigs (‘pathetic, ridiculous’).
Now he’s giving her a detailed history lesson on Greco-Turkish military conflict. I swear I’m not making any of this up.
Summary of the rest of the date:
Guy’s talking continues, relentless. Girl’s responses slowly growing more and more lackluster (unnoticed). Finally Guy gets up to use the bathroom. I casually say to Girl, ‘First date?’ A few seconds later, we’re recapping every obnoxious moment, literally holding onto each other, doubled over and gasping with laughter. ‘He hasn’t stopped talking since I sat down!’ ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘I mean, it’s your choice, but I wouldn’t go on a second date with that guy.’ More peals of laughter. ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘Not that I wanted to eavesdrop, but when he said all women were liars…’ ‘I know, right? I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t want to offend him, but…’ And so on. Finally: ‘Shh, here he comes.’
We straighten up and I pretend to be working on my laptop. Guy comes back to the table and they leave together. She waves at me behind his back.
(via leupagus)
