Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

Well that was an unexpected mental tangent.

dsudis:

I was talking to a friend about Etta Candy, and various ways fic could explore her awesomeness, whether as The Best of Secretaries or adventures in other professions, or, hell, Etta Goes to Themyscira…

And then I was seized with the vision of Etta turning up on Themyscira and meeting a thousand Amazons who have had ALLLLL ETERNITY surrounded by other Amazons with hard, scarred, warrior bodies, and having… quite a large number of them… react all like…

WHO IS THIS UTTERLY NOVEL VISION OF FEMININE LOVELINESS AND HOW CAN I PERSUADE HER THAT I (AND PERHAPS MY WIFE) SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR INTRODUCING HER TO ALL TWELVE VOLUMES OF CLIO’S TREATISE ON SEXUAL PLEASURE IN THE FORM OF AN EXTENDED SERIES OF PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATIONS.

…So, you know, do with that thought what you will?

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

proserpine-in-phases:

roachpatrol:

i really, really hope that whenever we actually get to space for real, like past mars, the universe turns out to be exactly as goddamn weird as we have all been expecting all this time. like, space whales past jupiter. palaces of methane ice on pluto. old gods lurking around in the asteroid belt. the ghost of ancient vengeful alien sailors crewing their ghost ships in eternal loops through the oort cloud and sirens off alpha centauri. in a hundred years i want one of my great grandkids to unfurl a holographic map, and look at the little notation hovering a hundred light years past vega that says here there be dragons (no really) and smile, and set sail. 

look i am already in the car with the keys in the ignition i am so here for this

(via slyrider)

anightvaleintern:

timemachineyeah:

What if by alien standards we are really cute?

And I don’t mean like attractive cute, I mean like baby otter cute. What if the stumble upon us and go “ohhhhh my god!!! Oh my god!!!! I’m dying this is- look at it! Look at them!!! Oh my god!!!”

We usually imagine having to come up with some Devils trade or unholy arrangement to get tech and trade with aliens, but the instant they see us the aliens immediately set out into conservation efforts. They’re like “their habitat is becoming harsh and unlivable for them! We have to save them!” And everyone just puts a picture of us next to this information and they all agree “Look at them! We have to save them!!” We become like the panda mascots of intergalactic conservation efforts.

Simultaneously, our main export is just streams, videos, holograms, and photos of us. Aliens lose their composure completely over videos of us sneezing or yawning or eating pop tarts or playing video games or taking care of our kids.

There are lines of aliens who would LOVE to have a human in their home or on their ship. It’s a little condescending (we’re not sure if we’re guests or well treated exotic pets) but still a good opportunity, and any human who wants can go to space at any time basically for free or even for profit, and the aliens will go out of their way to give you anything you ask for.

There are obvious downsides. We struggle to be taken seriously. While it’s usually shut down pretty quickly, every once in a while some alien group sees the demand for us and tries to start an illegal trade. But at the same time, it’s neat that somewhere out there is an alien (or usually a LOT of aliens) that would love you unconditionally, find every flaw and idiosyncrasy endearing, be worried about you and do anything they could to make you safe and happy. They work hard to make our planet and our personal lives better and don’t ask for anything in return. They just do it because they decided we are important and worth saving just for existing. It’s an odd relationship, and we’re not always sure what to make of it, but honestly it goes a lot better than we worried alien contact would.

I’m down to be a spoiled pampered alien pet.

(via sroloc--elbisivni)

bookelfe:

This past weekend, several friends and I got to talking about the King Arthur police precedural that Fox is allegedly developing. I only mention this because over the course of this conversation we realized that the ONLY modern-King-Arthur television show that Fox should really be developing is a hilarious reincarnation-based office sitcom, and now I can’t stop thinking about it, so I am going to tell you all about this imaginary sitcom in EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.

My imaginary workplace sitcom is about a struggling nonprofit organization and is probably written by the people who wrote Parks and Rec and Brooklyn 99. Accordingly, it stars Retta and Melissa Fumero:

as Alice and Pam, OFFICE NEMESIS battling nonprofit burnout! and each other!

….UNTIL, in the first episode, they start having flashbacks and eventually realize: they are the reincarnations of, respectively, King Arthur and Lancelot, they are destined to fight evil while being devoted to each other in an epic and legendary way, and weekly budget meetings just got really weird!

Every episode alternates between flashbacks to Round Table efforts to fight evil, provide justice, build a better and more stable society, etc., and current-day office hijinks as the nonprofit attempts to do the same, but with much more paperwork.

As a sidenote, all the flashbacks initially have placeholder white guy actors doing ye olde British accents and speaking forsoothly, except for the person having the flashback, who plays themselves. Once Alice and Pam recognize each other at the end of the first episode, however, every flashback features Retta and Melissa Fumero talking exactly like they would in the office while wearing shining armor.

The rest of the placeholder actors gradually get replaced by actual cast members as further reincarnation reveals occur,

including:

- Donald Glover as the reincarnation of Sir Gawain, ladies’ man and too-cool-for-school tech bro, who’s the only person who knows how to keep the website running!

- Rahul Kohli as the noble reincarnation of King Pellinore, the development manager who is constantly questing after very worthy but COMPLETELY UNATTAINABLE grants!

- Yael Grobglas as the reincarnation of Sir Kay, the long-suffering and sarcastic office business manager who must always be the one to point out they don’t have enough money for their pet project!

- Sandra Oh as the director’s PA, the only person who knows where everything is and keeps the office running and everybody from murdering each other; she of course turns out to be Guinevere!

- and, of course, Jaime Camil as Merlin, the director of the nonprofit, who has been gathering all the Round Table reincarnations together for world-saving purposes all this while!

Merlin is not reincarnated, for the record. Merlin is just Merlin. This is why Merlin is very good at magic and WILDLY INCOMPETENT at being the director of a nonprofit organization.

Sample episodes include:

- the episode where everyone is rushing to meet a grant deadline, with flashbacks to PREPARING FOR BATTLE AGAINST THE ROMANS

- the team retreat episode in which Merlin insists everybody do trust falls; in flashbacks, Merlin also insists everybody do trust falls

- the episode in which Donald Glover has to go through ludicrous hoops to install a new open-source software, intercut with the story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

- the mid-season love triangle episode, in which a.) the reveal of who is Guinevere, b.) the reveal that Lancelot and Arthur were way more than good buddies, and c.) THE MOST AWKWARD OFFICE MEETINGS YET, FOR EVERYONE

ok so who wants to fund my sitcom now

I NEED TEN SEASONS IMMEDIATELY

(via allgreymatters)

starwritandsuchthings:

perclexed:

Is there fic out there in the Leverage fandom where Sterling has to work with the FBI and he’s going not-so-quietly insane because everyone in the FBI is utterly convinced that Parker & Hardison are actual bone fide agents?  Like, they pity Sterling because they’re just so damn good that they’ve managed to sell him on their covers as con artists?  They’re such good agents that they’ve managed to fool Interpol?

Oh please tell me this exists

(via primarybufferpanel)

mhd-hbd:

open-sketchbook:

the-loquacious-lark:

veggieneko:

WTF? “Home Alone” is 25 this year????

I’M SO OOOOOLD!

this is an excellent time to talk about my home alone sequel idea

its 25 years later. a group of men track kevin down to an american-style suburban house deep in the jungles of cambodia. they stagger into his office, bruised and covered in feathers.

“you’re a hard man to find mccalister”

“not hard enough”

jump cut. a military officer is talking to a cia spook.

“you don’t understand. he’s the best. i saw him take apart a taliban kill team with nothing but the contents of a hardware store and a box of toy cars.”

cut to afgan desert. adult kevin in modern military gear presses a detonator. several cuts show a rube goldburg device launching paint cans into startled assassins via planks of wood.

cut back to dark office.

“he’s dangerous. unstable.” the spook says

intercut of a man trying to sneak up on maccalister when he steps on a rollar skate and falls down some stairs. there’s punji stakes at the bottom.

“that’s why he’s the best.”

lights cigar

cut back to officer talking to kevin

“your country needs you.”

“i needed my country, and it wasn’t there for me. why should i be there for her?”

cut to shady military black ops in the jungle, vietnam war style. kevin, in tiger strip special forces camo, watches a helicopter take off and fly away. cut to inside. the team, weary, sits in dejected silence, when one of them suddenly bolts upright.

“MACCALISTER!”

cut back

“we need you for one last job. we’ve assembled an elite team.”

zoom on kevin’s face

“no. i work… alone.”

HOME ALONE 3

cut to man strapped to chair in dark room. kevin is in the background, fetching something. he circles around him, rubbing his hands together.

“you’re going to tell me what i want to know.”

“fuck you.” the man spits.

kevin claps his hands to either side of the man’s face. He screams.

COMING THIS CHRISTMAS

kevin watches a city burn. a man points a gun at the back of his head.

“no fancy traps to protect you here. what you got to say to that, maccalister?”

kevin whirls, disarms him, and kicks him off a balcony.

“merry christmas, ya filthy animal.”

RATED R

this is the best thing I’ve seen all week

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

bluelikeblood:

tinygayliz:

hedaoftheworld:

Ok so it’s the classic story of a young maiden wants a thing and a witch is like “promise me your first born child” and the maidens like “k” and that should be enough but no the witch keeps coming around like “yo where’s my first born child pls” and the maiden is like “bitch I don’t even have a boyfriend” and the witch keeps coming back and being like “how’s the bf search?” And just being generally annoying. then she just keeps coming round and hanging out and they fall in love and the first born child is already the witches and everyone lives happily ever after

# okay but like just imagine right? # the witch keeps coming round  and she’s not super pushy but just kind of annoying dammit she has a reputation to keep you know? # its hard out there for a witch and Getting Someone’s Firstborn is a p Big Deal in the community so she’s not letting this go # so anyway one day she shows up at the Maidens hut and the girl’s a mess right? red eyes used tissues and a bunch of chocolate # and the witch  is alarmed like ‘what the hell were you attacked?’ and the girl tells her about this really handsome good looking guy # and how sweet he was and how he brought her favorite type of flowers and made her feel so special… well turns out # he was doing the same with three other women and trying to get their land # and the witch is just like ‘Oh honey I’m so sorry men are pigs’ and then cleans the girls’ house up and makes her a pie # (witches are excellent at baking) and lets the girl rant about how horrible he was and then says ‘well what do you want to do about it?’ # the  girl just goes ‘wha?’ and the witch says ‘look this one’s totally free i consider it community service you want a new frog or a stone?’ # and that’s the story of how the girl got a very useful nanny goat that kept the lawn trimmed and gave a lot of nice milk # soon enough the witch was  just coming round for tea and gossip and turns out the girl grew some of the best herbs for the witches spells # and the witch knows she’s falling in love but she knows the girl doesn’t feel the same way (lol the girl totally does) but she’s # determined to fulfill her part of the bargain so she tells the witch  she found a possible husband - its the local baron # and the witch is horrified because he’s rich yeah but she knows he’s cruel so she frantically tries to release the girl from her bargain # and the girl is all ‘no you said you need this!’ and there is a lot of Very Tense Dialog and the witch finally cries # ‘I don’t care about the deal I love you!’ the girl just looks at her for a minute and goes ‘you idiot why didn’t you say anything’ # and kisses her # they live happily ever after the end (@Racethewind10)

I’ll write it
I’ll fucking write it
i swear

*slams fist on table*

ANOTHER

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

Anonymous asked: hi, i love your hamdevil au series! no pressure or obligation, but if you want to take this prompt and run with it that'd be cool: alex is a literal genius and sometimes people forget that. matt and foggy pay the price.

skymurdock:

takes place in between the first story and s2! this got away from me a bit.

title: i wrote my own deliverance

–

The thing about Alexander Hamilton, Karen finds out, is that he’s like a goddamn sponge–ask him about a topic he doesn’t know about, and the next day not only does he know it inside out, he has Opinions about it that he’s absolutely willing to defend with both words and fists.

More the former than the latter, these days, but sometimes–well, Karen really wishes she wasn’t the only member of the Nelson & Murdock PR department.

Anyway.

“What the fuck is this?” she asks him one day, very carefully putting her phone down on her table. It’s displaying the latest viral video featuring Alexander Hamilton, and he’s standing on a table talking right over someone from Fox News about the Constitution and freedom of speech and getting in personal digs at the man, finishing off with a solid right hook when the guy says something about Alexander’s mother.

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