Disney/Lucas Film: *mute af on the actual nature of baze and chirrut’s actual relationship despite multiple reviews, viewers, and critics reading the onscreen relationship as that of a couple*
Finn does a lot of reading, when he wakes up. He burns through article after article of history, of linguistics, of culture. He may be strapped down to a bed and fresh from a bacta tank, but he wants to learn more about what it means to be human, and more about what it means to be this human. About the choices he’s made.
In the first 48 hours, Finn comes to learn two particularly important things.
One: that surnames mean where you come from, mean legacy.
Two: that there was a man called Bodhi Rook, and that he was very, very brave.
Later, after he’s finally discharged from med bay, he has to fill out paperwork. Registration, medical history, next-of-kin sort of stuff. Most of it he has to leave blank. He hovers over one little box in particular. Family name. He hesitates. Poe has already offered him his. The admin assistant leans over the desk, nonplussed expression on their face, and suggests he just pick one at random. Neither feels quite right. Neither feels like a history, or like a legacy.
He takes a breath, puts pen to paper, and writes Finn Rook in a wobbly but determined script.
Like what if Baze adopts this really high-strung border collie/pit bull mix when he goes to the animal shelter kind of on a whim and they’re showing him all these adorable dogs and then there’s this one irritable dog with a broken tail and a squint in her eye and the shelter volunteers are like “…yeah be careful, she doesn’t bite exactly but she psychs people into thinking she’ll bite,” and Baze is like, “that’s hilarious, I want that one,” and the volunteers are like “oooooookay bro your funeral” and that’s how Baze adopts Jyn.
And at first they basically live at opposite ends of the apartment, like Jun will literally up and move every time Baze comes near her, but Baze is a Chill Dude Who Fought In Wars And Stuff, he knows from PTSD and figures as long as she doesn’t shit in his bed they’re cool. So eventually they become buddies and go on long walks through the city and when Baze wakes up this is what he sees:
But then one day they’re walking along in the park along the river and this great big fuck-off massive dog demon of death comes loping toward them and Jyn looks about ready to find a switchblade or something and Baze is like “what a stupid way to die” when from right behind said dog demon of death comes an EXTREMELY irritated looking poodle who takes one look at Jyn and makes this annoyed noise that Baze never knew dogs could make.
And that’s how Baze gets adopted by two more dogs, K2 and Cassian:
Walks at this point become a little more difficult, at least until Baze accepts their preferred way of walking: Cassian without a leash and more or less patrolling around them at all times to look for danger, and K2 and Jyn both on a leash – but sometimes K2 is the one holding Jyn’s leash, and sometimes Jyn is the one holding K2′s leash. Baze is just glad they haven’t tried ganging up on him and making him wear a collar, because he’s pretty sure they could swing it.
And all this works out really well until one day Baze is taking his dogs to the vet and there’s a commotion in the back because apparently some purebred labradoodle (”I thought the whole point of those dogs is that they weren’t purebred,” Baze mutters to his seatmate, a cool dude named Bail who’s brought in a wildly antisocial cat named Wedge to treat for a torn-up ear) has shown up and the assistants aren’t sure what to do because he’s not microchipped or tagged or anything but he’s clearly ready to make friends and influence people, and they don’t want to send him down to the animal shelter because they’ve got a backlog and the poor guy might get put down. And Baze really wasn’t gonna do it except the labradoodle (”such a dumb name for a dog”) comes out into the waiting area with one of the vet assistants’ scarf around his neck and he looks dapper as fuck and immediately becomes BFFs with Jyn, who up until now has shown only like two feelings ever. So like, Baze clearly doesn’t have a choice, and that’s how he gets Bodhi:
It should be crowded - it kind of is, Baze makes pretty good living doing security consultation but it’s still just a one-bedroom and like, dogs take up way more space than all those lying obedience book assholes admit. But he’s not that upset about it; it’s kind of nice, especially since none of them are the yappy types or all that clingy except when it comes to mealtimes. They don’t even bark when the doorbell rings or someone walks past; instead they all take up strategic positions around the living room and stare intently at the door, Cassian making a very, very low growling noise.
(It probably should be more worrying than just barking, but Baze came home one day to see the lock busted on his front door. He’d rushed in, sick to his stomach, to find Jyn, Cassian and K2 sprawled out in various places in the living room, Jyn with a spot of blood on her muzzle and Cassian chewing on a shoe that definitely did not belong to him. There was a note that had been shoved under the door: ‘SORRY FOR BREAKING IN BUT FUCK WHY DO YOU OWN WOLVES.’ Baze found Bodhi in the kitchen, shaking like a leaf but looking determined to protect the honor of the food. Baze didn’t bother fixing the lock and he never had troubles with break-ins after that.)
Still, things are good; Baze sleeps well at night despite (because of) the sense of someone in the room, the comforting, begrudging lump of Jyn at the back of his knees. He doesn’t feel as ground down as he did; he smiles at the other people at the dog park (even though he can only really take Bodhi, the other ones try to start shit too often) and sneaking them all down to the river for some highly illegal dog swimming is more fun than a man his age should be having.
It’s great, except that he works long hours and can’t always get home during lunchtime– that grates on him a little, makes him guilty when he comes home after ten hours and the bed is pointedly not-peed-on. So he asks around and gets some references from the solemn-faced woman Mon Mothma who has an entire menagerie of corgis that she brings to the park every day. He gives one of them a call.
“Sure, I’m available. How about I come over and introduce myself?”
Baze blinks at the phone. “Uh. Sure, there’s a coffee shop–”
“No,” the man says, and Baze can tell he’s smiling somehow, “I meant so I can introduce myself to your dogs. I don’t care if you like me, but the dogs need to trust me, otherwise I wouldn’t be a good fit.”
So Baze gives this complete stranger his address and apartment number and spends the next two hours – who says they can be over in two hours? Baze was hoping for like a week to ramp up to this – trying and failing to de-shit-heap his apartment. He even downloads that stupid Unfuck Your Habitat app that his nieces showed him. (It actually worked really well helping him organize his closet.) But when the buzzer goes he figures this is as good as it’s going to get and he buzzes the guy up.
When he opens the door, it’s to a man who’s already (still) smiling, a pair of sunglasses pushed up onto his forehead and a white stick (folded-up cane, Baze had seen a few of them at the VA hospital for guys who’d been blinded by IEDs) in his hand. He’s wearing a leather jacket that somehow manages not to look completely pretentious, and he’s sticking his other hand out. “Hi,” he says, “I’m Chirrut, and I still don’t care if you like me. Where are the dogs?”
And that’s how Baze Malbus falls in love with Chirrut Îmwe and Chirrut Îmwe falls in love with Baze Malbus (and also his dogs).
the first time chirrut touches bazes face is before they even start dating and when hes done he kinda laughs and says “i didnt need to do that. i already knew you were handsome” and baze doesnt sleep for 3 days bc hes still thinking about it
Also the Enterprise vs. Millennium Falcon debate has never ceased to confuse me, like, you’re basically wondering who’d win in a fight between a fully staffed US Navy research vessel armed with harpoons and torpedos and all sorts of other boat vessels OR your weedman and his sweet vintage van, his buddy riding shotgun with a crossbow
you know, if palpatine ever showed vader the death star schematics, wouldn’t vader - being a mechanical genius - have been able to pick out the flaw with the reactor shaft?
imagine palpatine launching an evil monologue while vader stares at this gigantic flaw, sweating
well, i got the same feeling. imagine vader just standing there, not listening anymore, only staring right at this super. obiovious. (to him) USELESS FUCKING FLAW and just not saying anything. maybe he should say something. sheev’s probably testing him or something.
but as emperor’s monologue drags on, the fact that no one here, besides vader, is aware of the issue is becoming more evident.
darth “everything proceeds as i’ve foreseen” sidious didn’t notice it. he’s staring right at the reactor shaft. he’s not seeing it. so vader keeps mum.
then rebels steal the plans and send a couple of x-wings against the friggin’ death star. as far as tarkin’s concerned, it’s like sending a couple of flies to stop an avalanche. and our man vader in that moment is like, “welp, i suddenly discovered my new calling as a flyswatter,” and gets the fuck out of that station
“Is… Is no one else seeing this? Someone on the design committee must have seen this. Tell me you’re all seeing this.”
“Seeing what, Lord Vader?”
“The huge obvious…”
You know what? Screw these guys. I told them this budget-killing monstrosity was a bad idea.
“Obvious lack of any place to get a decent coffee. This thing is the size of a small moon. Would it kill you to call Starbucks and tell them to open up a location in it? I hate Imperial-issue coffee.”
Obi-Wan can find an invisible planet hidden by a devious Sith Lord, Anakin can’t find his ex-best friend on his own home planet while the guy is still using his own damn name.
I know we give Obi-wan a lot of shit for leaving Luke with his real surname but Anakin really is that stupid
the perfect hiding place: the sandiest fucking planet that anakin would never set foot on again
I’d like to remind everyone again that it’s literally canon that Vader can’t step foot on Tatooine because the desert gets into his creaky old man robot joints and makes his suit break down
aka the sand is coarse, rough, irritating, and gets everywhere
i d o n t l i k e s a n d
okay but what if everyone was like ‘vader, kenobi’s on tattooine. he’s obviously on tattooine. he’s been there for years. he’s just right fucking there, we all know it.’ and vader is just desperately shaking down jedi like they’re magic eight-balls and he wants a better fortune. like ‘no i don’t like that try again’.
kenobi’s just sitting there in his pile of sand like a smug fucking bastard. he doesn’t need to hide jack shit. he went to the tattooine board of tourism and got them to print up flyers that say ‘COME TO TATTOOINE, WE HAVE SAND’ and luke is probably going to be safe until his midlife fucking crisis at this rate.
palpatine finds vader aimlessly checking behind pieces of furniture in some shitty space motel on kamino
one of my biggest takeaways from rogue one is that I loved how surly and selfish and initially unlikeable jyn erso was. and I bet if she was a dude, 95% of the fandom would agree with me.
She doesn’t fall, no. She doesn’t turn evil. But watch that scene again. She closes her eyes. She reaches for the Force. And when she opens her eyes again, she snarls. She beats Kylo Ren back with brute strength and vicious, choppy saber-blows, like Luke used in Return of the Jedi when the Dark Side tempted him. When Ren’s forced to his knees, she circles him with the Dark Side stalk. Daisy Ridley delivers a perfect physical quote of Ray Park’s Darth Maul.”
