Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

thoodleoo:

at this point there are only a select few pieces of discourse about ancient greece and rome that i will tolerate:

• did achilles bottom or was it patroclus (i stand by plato’s decision because achilles is definitely a power bottom)
  
• how many “slutty” women was mark antony more of a slut than (the answer: all of them)
• if alexander the great wrote iliad fanfic would it be self-insert or would it straight up be patrochilles shipping
• instead of discourse about whether or not sappho liked women, discourse about how many fragments we can possibly construe to be extremely gay (it’s a lot, if you’re creative)
• Which Roman Poet Was The Biggest Greek Poetry Fanboy
• the scholarly implications of the fact that the infamous fanfic my immortal bears a striking resemblance to homeric epic

(via galangrants)

pedanticlecturer:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

ok, but like odysseus’s player was definitely the asshole who fucks up every plot point homer wanted to introduce into the story. agamemnon accidentally orders everybody to go home and the troops are about to set sail? odysseus’s diplomacy modifier says otherwise. some asshole’s trying to provoke mutiny and desertion in the ranks? an intimidate check makes it not a problem. they’re losing battle after battle? stealth check into the enemy camp and straight up sneak attack the sleeping trojan allies to death. achilles is dead and the war is all but lost? FUCK YOU my giant wooden horse and my bluff beg to differ. 

when it comes time for odysseus to play his solo campaign, the DM just rubs his hands together ominously and laughs.

daybreak57:

itsalburton:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: You spot your enemy in battle. What do you do?
Paris’ player: I fire an arrow at him, ignoring his armor. *rolls a 6 for accuracy*
Homer, the DM: You hit him where he has no armor, but in a non-vital area.
Achilles’ player: Damage done?
Paris’ player: *rolls a natural 20, gets a 4 point bonus from Rage*
Homer, the DM: Lethal.
Achilles’ player: Fuck…

Homer, the DM: Alright, your wife’s suitors are attempting to string your bow. *rolls behind screen a few times* A few of them fail miserably.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, let me try. I pick up the bow.

Homer, the DM: The suitors begin laughing and jeering at you. Give me a strength check.

Odysseus’s player: *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: You string the bow. Thunder booms. A cat dies in a nearby house. One of the suitors busts a nut. Your glamour is starting to wear off.

Odysseus’s player: As my glamour wears off, I shoot an arrow through all three hoops at the target. *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: The arrow flies through the hoops and skewers the target. The suitors notice your glamour wear off and are terrified. None of them have ever seen you in person, though, so none of them recognise you.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, I shoot them.

Homer, the DM: Shoot who?

Odysseus’s player: The suitors.

Homer, the DM: Which ones?

Odysseus’s player: *pauses for a second* Yes.

(via beauty-nova)

cloudfreed:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer: The cyclops asks you who you are. What do you do?

Odysseus’s player: I say, “Who me? I’m nobody.”

Homer: Roll for deception.

Odysseus’s player: I got a natural 20.

Homer: The cyclops now completely believes that your name is Nobody. He shouts for help from the other cyclops but they ignore him because he’s telling them that “Nobody hurt him.”

Odysseus’s player: FUCK yes

(via thetruegayagenda)

systlin:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”

Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”

Homer, the DM; “What the fuck.”

(via skymurdock)

seagreeneyes:

gingerbludger:

littlewadoo:

floralfaun:

achilles owning a shirt that says ‘if lost return to patroclus’ and patroclus owning the ‘i am patroclus’ shirt

i love those shirts because alone they make no sense. You’re patroclus ? good for you man.

It keeps people from thinking he’s Achilles and murdering him

#first of all how dare you

(via permets-tu-not-permettez-vous)