based off my fic prompt idea, where johnny storm aka the human torch finally sets up a grindr account looking for a girlfriend (or boyfriend). he’ll never admit it to anyone else but sue, but he’s tired of coming home from a harrowing near death experience to only his bed and a cellphone of names he doesn’t know. the club scene is stale and really no one ever meets their one and only while pitbull is telling everyone he’s been around the world.
so he sets his profile for looking for a relationship. if reed and sue made it work, johnny will find someone in no time. EXCEPT HE USES HIS REAL PICTURE. a nice one of him when he won that XGames race. He looks good in that one.
But some dweeb named Parker messages him with the most caustic burn ever. And Johnny knows burns. He’s usually on fire.
“You are not fooling anyone with that picture (because srsly trying to catfish someone with a really famous person is hilarious AND lame) :/”
Even the emoticon is judging him. And Johnny can’t let go, because, Hello, he is Johnny Storm. And so what if he said he liked farmers’ markets and the Guggenheim. He’s not trolling anyone. And they’re HIS instagram photos, dammit.
And so begins a text battle of the ages. Not just because Parker’s cute.
you know peter would take some epic artisty photos of himself. yet still be camera shy. especially to someone catfishing him on being the johnny storm. maybe jstorm is really vain? or overcompensating??? either way, he’s fun to talk to annoy
by all means, stash it in a wip folder. u have my blessing and jameson’s.
Oh yeah his profile picture’s probably black and white and most of his face is hidden and he’s probably hanging upside down. Or worse, one of those artsy photographer selfies where they’ve got their giant camera and a bathroom mirror. Johnny’s so annoyed this dude’s accusing him of catfishing when you can’t even tell if he’s got a face or what. All you can see are eyebrows! Still this fight they’re in is probably the most fun he’s had talking to someone in a long time…
(cough it’s absolutely not in there already what are you talking about. Thank you! <3)
parker always sends johnny really nice shots of nyc (the only real proof that parker is a new yorker). impossible ariel shots, to boot. like that guy is crazy talented. did he scale a building for that view????
parker with his gravity defying poses that obscure his face. his stupid face. all johnny gets to see is parker’s abs. and butt.
johnny is at least upfront about what he looks like. despite parker making disparaging comments about johnny being a 85 year old man from paramus. as if johnny would be from jersey of all places. urgh
after the last selfie with spider-man swinging in the background, parker is even more cutting. as if you know spider-man. now, that’s just plain rude.
PARAMUS god parker that’s so harsh. (“sooo… What? Newark? Hackensack? Tell me if I’m getting warmer”) and all those basement comments are really uncalled for. Johnny sends him the view from the top of the Baxter building but even that doesn’t impress this guy. Who, btw, is probably the 80yo man, at least at heart, because he has zero other social media presence except for like. A LinkedIn account and the world’s most dizzying Instagram. It’s the mystery that keeps Johnny messaging him, and totally not the fact that he makes him laugh. Okay 80% the mystery and 20% that body. How flexible is this dude?? And how did he photoshop that pic of him lifting that hot dog cart with one hand? (#onlyinnewyork)
If Parker doesn’t agree to meet up he’s totally declaring him a supervillain.
johnny probably sends him a dick pic. this is tindr. like maybe after some more ribbing about being a 40 yr basement dweller from hoboken. and this is why sue tried to ban cellphone in the shower because this is how johnny furiously is texting after a shower and is like FINE PARKER, I AM HOT STUFF.
all he gets is an artistic critique of his lighting choices and filter suggestions. at least parker concedes he’s actually in his 20s. and has abs. though johnny is a but miffed that parker didn’t enjoy his dick. like, he has a nice one. if he had a sex tape, he’d bet everyone would agree.
stupid parker. he’s probably electro.
Excuse you Sue he has the world’s most life proof cell phone and he’s going to use it for what God intended: sending random weirdos dick pics at 3PM. He cannot BELIEVE parker had more to say about the brand of shampoo in the corner of the pic than the main attraction. Does he even know how lucky he is. Johnny could sell this picture for major bucks and not have to listen to someone get judgy about Tahitian vanilla. It’s not a crime to have soft, touchable vanilla scented locks.
Like the dude couldn’t even be a good supervillain? Maybe have a nice castle or whatever? Reed gets all the luck. Johnny better get some parkour make outs after this. Or at least a return dick pic - seriously, critique without reciprocation? RUDE
sue needs aspirin tbh. it’s way to early for her brother to be pouting in the lab about a dick pic. she should not have to deal with this. dear god, johnny, just tell this guy you want to go out
peter is like uber competitive but like he knows the dangers of the cloud. i mean, electro deleted all his spider-man pics. it was tragic. all that work for nothing
so maybe he has the perfect idea for a pic but like, jstorm could be kraven or eddie brock. weirder things have happened.
so maybe he asks mj and gwen about it. and debates to be ironic with his pic. mj suggests wearing the torch boxers. maybe with the right filter …
either way, his dick is way better than some hot guy from long island with an amazing sense of humour
Sue you can’t just TELL A GUY YOU WANT TO GO OUT. There are unspoken rules! It’s like when one of those birds puffs up all its neck feathers or the mountain goats lock horns. Haven’t you ever watched national geographic??
Sue could point out that only one of them is in a relationship that doesn’t consist of passive aggressive super competitive texting but it seems like too much effort tbh
But what if Peter thinks that anyone willing to catfish with the pics/persona if a celebrity superhero would also be willing to catfish for some good dick pics?
Because how can he trust this guy? He’s pretending to be JOHNNY STORM. Really?
Is that what tips Johnny into being all *what? Fine lets meet*???
Because sure, doubting profile pics is one thing BUT HOW DARE YOU DOUBT MY DICK. IT IS FLAWLESS.
… *quietly jumps into somebody else’s very nice discussion*
*I am so sorry*
now i picture johnny holding today’s the daily bugle with the date next to his dick and clearly rocking abs and ironically the headline is something salacious about spider-man’s manhood
I invited myself into this, happy enough to be joining :)
Because seriously, a title like “spiderman bares all”
And theres Spiderman, webswinging in a tattered suit, abs visable, legs wide as he creates better momentum.
Peter would do *anything* to not have *that photo* be today’s headliner. He thought he had defeated that one off the SD card, so of course that’s the one that was picked as the front centerfold.
It takes forever for Peter to calm down enough to formulate some sort of response.
“The Bugle? Any Joe Shmoe off the street has a copy of the Bugle. Why would a celebrity like Storm be caught with that rag in his hands?b
TATTERED WEBSLINGER: WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN. if only he’d left the lenscap on this time, but there’s the parker luck for you. oy.
dick pic take three: forbes magazine artfully spread open to that page about the FF. johnny’s super glad he bought the selfie stick. yeah he’s gotten a lot of mileage out of it already, but not for anything as important as this. it’s art, really. meanwhile peter has swallowed his tongue.
and johnny wrote on his abs “i’m the real deal, parker.”
peter may be having another identity crisis. mj and gwen find his woes hilarious. mj is sure she turned down a script with the same premise.
and johnny realizes it’s been three months where he hasn’t been in a scandalous news article. and the shocking realization that he, gasp, is in a relationship
quelle horreur!
he’d feel better if he knew what parker looked like
No idea what his face looks like and he’s already Sue’s favorite person Johnny’s ever dated. He should feel insulted but he’s too busy trying to get a selfie out of the guy. Or better yet, an actual meeting. Also trying to get sharpie off his abs - normally stuff just comes off when he flames on, but not this time.
peter meanwhile has taken 300 selfies and rejected all of them. gwen and mj are asleep on the couch.
peter “i don’t need a selfie stick b/c i’m spider-man” parker is failboating at taking a selfie - oh the irony of it all (IT’S NOT FUNNY GWEN! MJ STOP LAUGHING)
maybe he makes a comment that he has to cover some gala event and johnny calls in every favor to go (like maybe agrees to quickly when sue says they’ve been invited to it - she’s really liking this parker guy if he gets johnny this excited about wearing pants)
So it’s a plan - he’ll go to Reed’s boring science gala (”It’s actually to honor Dr. Silverstein’s very interesting discovery -” “Shhhhhh. It’s about love. Love is on the line.” “… Okay Johnny.”), find Parker (one skinny dude with weirdly great muscle definition and gravity-defying hair, probably holding a camera) and he’ll sweep him off his feet. Fool proof.
Twenty minutes and three glasses of champagne in, he thinks he’s spotted him when the lights go down and everyone starts screaming.
Fucking Electro.
peter is at the gala and sees johnny and is actually behind him at one point getting a candid photo of dr silverstein. and spends sometime by the hors d'oeuvres table thinking about introducing himself, except that would end terribly because jstorm is not the johnny storm. and he can’t deal with that level of ridicule even if he wants to make sure that the guy he’s half in love with is actually johnny storm and not some cute catfisher from ho-ho kus
he’s garnering the courage to ask. mj already texted him to grow a pair and do it
then electro gate crashes
fucking electro
Taking stock of the situation:
Pros: Electro unwittingly saved him from his probable humiliation by, who knows, the Chameleon, daydrinking Mystique, someone really bored and really good at photoshop, whoever jstorm really is - aside from, obviously, the person Peter is half in love with. Johnny Storm looking like he walked straight off a magazine shoot? Not helping. He absolutely was not checking him out when he was taking that candid, but like - those pants are tight. The eyes, they wander.
Cons: This is the third time in a month he’s stripped down to his spider-suit behind a fern and he’s getting real sick of it.
Anyway, this is good! This is great! An old-fashioned teamup is exactly what the doctor ordered. They’ll step up, they’ll do a little banter, a little you-hit-em-high-i’ll-hit-em-low and Peter’ll be able to look Johnny Storm, who is still definitely not jstorm (right? right), in the eyes again without fireflies (badumpsh) in his stomach. What a perfect solution. Four for you, Electro, old buddy old pal.
johnny is flaming mad. like usually he’d leap at the opportunity to leave a boring gala by flaming on and fighting crime. but really his heart isn’t in. even when spidey shows up - he’d rather trade quips with parker
and johnny was really hoping he’d see parker. and now with everyone running for the doors. now there’s a fat chance of that. at least he’ll try to really give it his a game so parker will know what he’s missing
the day after, he scans the nerdy websites for an article about dr. silverstein and not the epically heroic fight (”it’s the nyu physics homepage, johnny” sighs reed ) to find out that one peter parker was the onsite photographer. sadly, no photo linked
His mood is not improved by Reed telling Sue Johnny sulked the whole way home. (He wasn’t sulking! But the guy was right there! Right there! And then, bam, Cinderella’d. He doesn’t even have a shoe.) The other thing is - Electro made it hit home. If he does this, with parker - his life is dangerous. He knew it, but he didn’t know it, before. But he was scared for the guy, during the fight, and when he messaged him when he got home… no reply.
Why couldn’t he be head over heels for Spidey, again?
Peter, meanwhile, is having a life crisis. Like, okay, that banter last night - that was the banter. The Banter. Oh god. It’s him. It’s him for real. And now - what does he say? When they meet? Obviously they’re going to meet. But there’s him and then there’s Spider-Man and Johnny Storm isn’t actually as dumb as he looks: sooner or later he’s going to put two and two together. He keeps drafting replies and then not sending them, because what is he going to say? “Great first date, loved the part where you welded the building back together.”
He texts MJ for advice and only gets JUMP HIM in reply, all caps, a million emojis. His friends are so helpful.
johnny is burning a hole in the carpet with worry. because, yeah, electro is a d-lister villain but what if parker was there when doom struck? or galactica? his heart can’t take the dizzying scenarios of losing parker. and that really scares him
how does reed and sue do it every day?
peter cops out and sends johnny a pic of his shoes with the caption of waiting for a bus to queens. because yeah, sadly he ran out of webbing and just his luck he missed the bus home /:
at least he had his friends unhelpful texts to keep him company (gwen says even flash thompson got his head out of his ass and finally asked out deb whitman - so clearly peter can do it)
Flash texts him a selfie of himself giving the double thumbs up, which isn’t as inspirational as he probably thinks it is. While Peter’s looking at that, though - and seriously why is this train always late? how did he ever get anywhere before webslinging? - he gets a reply from jstorm: rly glad ur ok.
There’s a heart emoji. What the hell is Peter supposed to do with that, other than bang his head against the subway wall. (Note to self: subway wall filthy, do not do that again.)
Meanwhile Reed and Sue tell Johnny that honesty and communication are the best option (”though it helps when she’s the strongest/he’s the smartest person you know” ugh marrieds. so gross) - though like. Meeting face to face helps. Sue would not rule that out.
At least Johnny has a name for some casual google stalking. It turns out Peter Parker is super smart, like, amazingly smart, like, Reed, would hiring his internet bf be unethical? Asking for a friend. And no wonder the photos he sends are so amazing - he’s like, Spider-Man’s personal photographer.
Maybe it’s time to ask Spidey for a favor…
harry osbourne finally gets in on the group text and sends a winky face emoji with a picture of whatever tropical beach he’s on - somehow flash’s snapchat was more encouraging
johnny casually floating next to spider-man, after successful saving new york city again for the fifth time that week and is like, hey spidey, i was wondering if you could do me a solid at getting in touch with peter parker for scheduling a fantastic four photo shoot (you know for the CHILDREN, THINK OF THE CHILDREN, SPIDEY)
peter is gobsmacked. how is this happening???? he bangs his head against baxter tower this time (it’s slightly cleaner than the subway wall) and pulls out one of peter parker’s business cards. why does he have it in the hidey hole of his suit? fate, probably
and johnny doesn’t even rip him about that. he’s coveting the card like it’s made of glass. the soft smile on johnny’s face makes him fumble with his web
One of these days Peter’s going to swing straight into the News1 copter and it’s going to be all Johnny Storm and his stupid soft smile’s fault. What kind of monster cradles a business card so tenderly?!
Peter’s halfway back home by the time he realizes that card has his actual phone number on it. Time to throw that into the river, then. Okay, no, irresponsible and expensive, even if it does seem the obvious solution at the mo. What is he going to do when Johnny calls???
answer it, you absolute disaster - yes thank you Gwen Stacy. Why are all his friends so reasonable about everything.
Meanwhile Johnny’s back home, dangling upside down off the sofa and grinning at this business card. Ben wants to call Dr. Strange, make sure the kid’s not possessed.
(”Possessed by LOVE, Benjy! Shot through the heart! And Peter Parker’s to blame!”)
peter practicing his non-spiderman voice (just talk like you normally do, sighs gwen feeling a tension headache, she can’t believe she once dated him)
johnny suddenly realises for a long while, parker hasn’t called him out about not being johnny storm… weird, it was almost reassuring and by rote to argue about that with parker
johnny totally laminates the card and asks reed to make it flameproof (reed clearly needs to meet this parker fellow…)
it takes a week for johnny to build up a cover story for calling peter parker (like actually getting in touch with vanity fair for a article, hey he has some favors he can cash in and he’s already said he has a photographer they can freelance)
meanwhile, peter is wondering why johnny hasn’t called peter parker. yet his texting with johnny has been normal otherwise. maybe johnny realised that he didn’t want peter??
(Gwen in the role of Ann Perkins: “I dated that guy. For a long time!” Godspeed, Gwen Stacy, you noble, poetic land mermaid.)
Reed and Sue are 100% Team Peter Parker. Ben’s reserving judgment until he’s sure this photobug has got a face. Every five minutes: “Have you called him yet??”
GIVE HIM SOME TIME, GOD. He’s got to make sure this goes perfect! And no he’s not bringing him for dinner, you people will make him go to the microverse or space or like, France. He is going to be NORMAL. For once in his life!! (No he hasn’t called him in the five minutes since you last asked.)
Meanwhile Peter’s nightly Spider-Man break is accompanied by a whole tub of Ben&Jerry’s tonight. Give him a break, he’s mourning for plain Peter Parker’s almost romance novel connection. So of course when his phone finally rings, he almost drops it fifty stories fumbles it, forgets what his normal voice sounds like and goes Full Christian Bale Batman.
“Wow, I was not expecting you to sound so… gravelly.” The first words Johnny Storm says to him, Peter Parker, and not Spider-Man. Great. Now he’s going to have to talk like this for the rest of his life, probably. Live the lie, Pete!
*gwen stacy looks at the camera like she’s on the office* she thanks the stars that she left that sinking ship, like probably once every two months the girls meet and are like, yeah that happened and commiserate about the times they were kidnapped
peter decides if he’s living the lie, he’s going for broke. like, who am i talking to? it can’t be the johnny storm - like new number, who dis? inquiring about a job???
cue johnny losing some of his nerves, because this is familiar ground. he’s text battled to parker about this countless times. too many to count
johnny ends the call by getting a date - is it really a first date if they’ve been texting and snapchatting for months??? and johnny is now trying to mesh the gravelly voiced peter parker to his preconceived interpretation of what he thought peter would sound like
he can imagine getting off to that voice
peter thinks he can phase out the voice by lying about having bronchitis
(he has to deal with mj imitating his christian bale voice for a week)
crap, did he agree to a date???? he has nothing remotely unwrinkled
(Three months down the line Johnny is definitely going to ask Peter to do the voice in bed. It takes Peter three minutes to work out that Johnny isn’t kidding, and another ten to stop laughing. The worst part is how it doesn’t kill the mood for Johnny at all.)
At least his jeans are good. You never need to wash those, right? And they’re black so that one old bloodstain won’t show! (Please buy new jeans begs MJ, like being a model means she knows so much about fashion.) So - it’s a date. With jstorm. Who is Johnny Storm. Who likes him, for - some reason? Like Peter is 90% sure this isn’t going to end in a giant trap by a supervillain and honestly that’s the most frightening part. And was Johnny kidding about that “private photoshoot” crack or??? Because Peter might pass out. Just saying. (He was not kidding, and he owns a lot of questionable outfits. But that’s a story for the future.)
Meanwhile Johnny has never been this nervous about a date. Why does he have nothing to wear?? He’s half an hour late because he was fishing through his bottomless (literally - thanks, Reed) closet, and he’s so sure Peter won’t be there but then he gets to the agreed spot and. He’s taking photos of pigeons.
What an unbelievable dork. Johnny can’t stop smiling. Now if only he could remember how to talk to people.
*cough* i guess you weren’t catfishing me, peter admits awkwardly
johnny can’t believe parker is this cute in person. he may be vain but game recognizes game. and he really wants to makeout with that face. the premise of the photo shoot gets thrown out of the window (unless it’s selfies of them together because ben is starting to believe that johnny made parker up) they end up scandalizing joggers with excessive pda (but hey, it’s been months and it was one hella of a first kiss)
calamity will strike (probably electro - he’ll get a fruit basket by the end of this..)
johnny telling peter to stay here where it’s safe and peter giving johnny a constipated look which is adorable on a face that has looks bee stung from all the kissing
This is Peter’s life! This right here! He’s got his hands in Johnny’s back pockets - god those jeans are tight, he’s losing all feeling in his fingers, when disaster strikes. And Johnny, god, Johnny actually kisses him goodbye before going off to battle. Ridiculous? Yes. Unnecessary? Peter can benchpress him, Electro and that police horse over there without breaking a sweat. Swoon worthy? You bet.
But waiting breathless with the onlookers in Central Park is for people who didn’t double layer their date attire with a spider-suit. Time to change behind a tree again, judged by squirrels. This is his life!!
And look, alright, Johnny’s no genius, he leaves that to Reed and Sue, but - Spider-Man? Right here, right now? That’s no coincidence.
Like, dude, he knows his rep, but you don’t have to worry about your favorite photographer with him, alright? He really genuinely likes the guy. Like. A lot. So much, actually? So. Peter Parker is totally safe with him, man. No worries.
(This is Peter’s life!!!)
johnny lecturing spider-man on how peter parker is taking a lot of risks to photograph him and if he could be more careful - there’s only one peter parker, you see, spidey
peter would facepalm but he’s dangling from a web
johnny pats himself on the back for being a considerate boyfriend - huh - he’s never used that word before - he likes it
he’d really like to get back to making out with peter
sadly, a super hero’s job is never done
he’s glad peter is used to the lifestyle, what with following around spidey - speaking off - should johnny be jealous?
“Only one” - one day, the clone convo is going to be awk. That’s like a silver anniversary thing though, right? He laughs so hard at the jealous question he has to sit down for a sec. Johnny doesn’t get what’s so funny - is Spidey a total dog or something?
Meanwhile the contents of Peter’s inbox: 1) Gwen yelling DID YOU TELL HIM TELL HIM IT’LL BE SO MUCH EASIER WHEN ONE OF YOU GETS KIDNAPPED!! 2) MJ creatively reinterpreting the lyrics to Kiss The Girl 3) Harry’s collection of cocktail umbrellas. So helpful.
Meanwhile, Gwen, reincarnation of Cassandra, strikes again: third date in -and Johnny’s a gentleman (he can hear Sue and Ben laughing somewhere) so third date’s the night - they get knocked out and he wakes up in a glass box while some masked guy has got a gun to Peter’s head. Also he’s pretty sure they’re down by Pier 4? Greaaaaat. Still, not his worst date. If only he could figure out how to flame on without risking Peter’s safety.
So what is Peter trying to sign at him? Is that - is that the Itsy Bitsy Spider?
and johnny had plans for date #3, like under the pants action. finally get solid (heh) proof of the dick pic gate. so he dressed up. armani and all. he wanted to make an impression.
and peter knows the third date jinx of his life. srsly, mj was held hostage by doc oct on their third date. gwen fell through a portal on theirs. it was sheer blind optimism for peter to think his date with johnny would go off without a hitch (and gosh, johnny looks good - like here’s peter in a sports jacket (with no visible stains) and johnny looks like he stepped out of a magazine)
cue being kidnapped. heh, peter needs to send mj and gwen some sephora gift cards….it really sucks being on the other end of this.
his only hope is johnny understanding he’s more than peter parker - freelance photographer - he’s your friendly neighbourhood spider-man too boot
(johnny will still hold on that there is only one peter parker - the dork who went full christian bale)
DID PETER WANT TO WAIT FOR SEX BECAUSE SADLY UNDER ALL HIS CLOTHES IS A LAYER OF SPANDEX THAT HE COULDN’T YET EXPLAIN????
After the fight (one quick distraction, followed by a quicker change, followed by Spider-Man, who is Peter Parker, who is parker, this is some identiception) they stand around for a bit in dead, awkward silence, before Johnny voices that above question.
“Plan B was telling you I celebrate Halloween year round,” says Peter, picking at his webs. “Or that I had some kind of fetish.”
Sadly Johnny probably would’ve rolled with that.
Another long, awkward pause and a lot of sidelong glances (Peter looks almost as good in skintight spandex as Johnny looks in slightly charred Armani) before he pops the question: “You want to go back to mine?”
gwen and mj get some amazing gift baskets (the storm trust fund is a beautiful thing). harry comes back ridiculously tanned and sits through mj and gwen’s drunken slide show of peter’s tragically hilarious courtship with the human torch
johnny would have been down for anything that parker threw at him (he’s rocking this supportive boyfriend gig to a science (heh, science))
and mapping out peter’s muscles by hand is way more satisfying that any snapchat
flash thompson sends another round of thumbs up and invites them to him and deb’s wedding. suddenly johnny has a plus one. life is good. and peter is very flexible
SPIDER-MAN IS BREAKING FLAMING HEARTS (courtesy of the daily bugle)
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER*
(* Barring the usual: supervillains, time travel, a couple apocalypses, one dude actually named Apocalypse, clones, teleporting dogs, Reed’s dad, the X-Men, Black Cat, clones again, X-Men again, Skrulls, impending midterms, that thing with Namor, Johnny’s Bridezilla phase, the microverse, a three week argument about a pair of pants and the Mole Man.)
justin hammer’s dating app review: 5 flaming hearts and spider
i understand the historical reasons why English is the most common language
but if I was writing a speculative fiction novel
and I said “the language that most people learn as a second language, usually for professional reasons, is also the only one with a spelling system so terrible that spelling words correctly is a broadcasted competition”
you’d be like “extremely unrealistic 0/10”
i never thought of this, do other languages not have spelling bees?
The reason that people are concerned about vaccines causing autism is because they’re not thinking of the long-term. Here’s the truth: when you are choosing to not having your child vaccinated because you’re afraid of autism, you are actively choosing death over a neurodevelopmental disorder. Let me phrase that in another way – you are either picking autism or death. It doesn’t have to be the death of your child. It can be literally any child. And death is the worst case scenario. Autism is not the worst case scenario. Death is always and will constantly be the worst case scenario.
There are children who are too young to get vaccines. There are kids who have compromised immune systems that cannot get vaccines. Your child getting vaccinated prevents these illnesses from spreading and keeps those children safe. It’s called community immunity and it’s important to maintain that so people don’t die.
tl;dr - Stop being a selfish asshole and get your kids vaccinated. There are worse things in the world than autism.
And before anyone starts coming to my inbox screaming about how “I don’t know how bad autism can be”, I know. Not only do I have a neurodevelopmental disorder, but I also had a friend with a severely autistic brother that could not talk when he was fifteen. I know. And even after witnessing him and being through my own shit, I would still get my kids vaccinated because I want them, and other kids, to live.
WTF, people.
Why the fuck do you think that your fear of autism (ungrounded, btw), beats someone else’s RIGHT TO LIVE?!?!
You don’t want to vaccinate your kid. Goody gumdrops.
You expose your godchild - who’s too young to be vaccinated.
You expose your sister-in-law - who is going through chemo (because having cancer isn’t bad enough), and immunocompromised.
You expose everyone they come in contact with - BECAUSE MEASLES STAYS ACTIVE FOR UP TO TWO HOURS ON SURFACES AND IN THE AIR OF A SPACE.
Number of people killed by symptoms associated with autism diagnoses: 0.
Number of people killed by measles in 2015: 134,000
Number of people killed per annum before vaccination became widespread in 1980: 2,600,000 (paraphrased from WHO).
Measles is not harmless. Researchers noticed that after the measles vaccine came out, kids started dying less from other diseases as well. It turns out that measles suppresses your immune system for YEARS (and no, no amount of vitamin C or zinc is going to make up for that).
thranduil sleeps calmer knowing even if his son married a dwarf at least he married The Supermodel dwarf and singlehandedly crushed the hopes of single dwarves and dwarrowdams everywhere
this is my headcanon and you will never take it from me.
listen, just Listen for a second, okay.
Gimli Gloinul is from the line of Durin okay, he’s from the line of KINGS, his bloodline stands up against Legolas’ perfectly, if the elves and dwarves got their shit together for a hot second they would be like “YES, PERFECT, A DIPLOMATIC MARRIAGE TO BIND OUR HOUSES TOGETHER AND NEVER SHALL THE TWAIN THROW ONE ANOTHER TO DRAGONS…again.” because you have a king’s son and a king’s nephew which, well, I love Dain but he’s not an EREBOR KING and GIMLI IS FROM THE FAMILY OF EREBOR KINGS.
And Gimli acts like he’s from the line of Erebor kings, too, okay, he’s a diplomat and a warrior and a nobleman, he’s the sort of person who SAYS things like ‘faithless is he who says fairwell when the road darkens’ and stares down Elrond Peredhil in his own home when his strength and faith are questioned. And he’s the kind of person who swears his allegiance to people he barely knows because it’s Right and Good and Gimli knows it.
And Thorin Oakenshield was handsome, and his sister the lady Dis is beautiful, and Gimli’s cousins Fili and Kili were fine young dwarrows, and Gimli’s mother is a great beauty.
Basically my point here is that Gimli, proud strong gimli with his firebeard hair and bold laugh and mithril tongue and clever fingers, broke the hearts of everyone in Erebor and not a few people outside of Erebor when he married a goddamn elf. Like. Not even Arwen Undomiel (WHO MARRIED A GODDAMN HUMAN, it’s been a weird couple of years in Middle-Earth, everyone wonders strongly if they’ve been drinking too much). Like he’s not even marrying a great beauty of the elves, Legolas isn’t ugly by elvish standards but also he’s nothing particularly special, and he’s not a great diplomat, and he’s BARELY a king’s son because everyone knows that Mirkwood elves are…a little odd. Legolas is a big cheerful hunter who sings songs he doesn’t remember all of, who chatters to trees and has no sense of the right thing to say even if he’s developed enough self-preservation to know the wrong thing to say, and FOR THE LOVE OF MAHAL HE FIGHTS WITH A BOW.
“GIMLI” Gloin bellows “YOU TURNED DOWN THIRTY-TWO SUITORS FROM FINE DWARVISH LINES FOR THIS”
“Ignore him, amrâlime, he’ll get over it” Gimli says in amusement as he beckons Legolas over to his forge, where he’s carefully smithing mithril-inlaid gold marriage clasps that will grip fine elvish hair. It’s too hot in the forge to wear shirts, if you’re working. Every dwarf in twenty feet stops what they’re doing to watch Gimli’s biceps flex as he holds up a jewel for Legolas’ inspection.
“YOU COULD HAVE HAD A HAREM” Gloin wails from down the hall.
Daughter of a gun (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ No idea if such a thing existed but surely there had to be girls born on board in the Age of Sail?
*puts on obnoxious historian hat*
*clears throat*
there were actually tons of women and girls on board ships during the age of sail and it’s really cool history that no one!!! ever!!! talks about!!!
like captains of merchant ships used to bring their wives and children on board for long voyages all the time (and of course there were plenty of well known female pirate ship captains, and women cross-dressing as men, and prostitutes that more people seem to know of)
there’s actually a really amazing story of one woman, Mary Ann Patten who was the wife of the captain of this ship called Neptune’s Car. Captain Patten decided that he wanted her onboard with him and she was super about this and learned all about navigation and sailing and everything. so this one voyage they’re going around the tip of south america when her husband gets sick and is bed ridden with a fever right as the ship sails into one of the worst storms any of the crew had ever seen and it looks like they might lose the ship or have to stop
so you know who takes over??? the first mate???
no.
MARY
she took over the whole crew and sailed that ship through freezing water and pack ice and had it coasting smoothly into the san francisco harbour like it was nothing. and she did this all at age 19. while pregnant.
at one point the first mate tried to get the crew to mutiny against her but they all rallied with her and told him to shut the heck up because she obv knew what she was doing.
there’s a great book about women in the age of sail called ‘female tars’ by suzanne stark that i cannot recommend enough and has way more amazing stories and insights about the myriad roles women and girls played aboard ship during that time period.
(sorry i totally didn’t mean to hijack your post i love all of your art and this is gorgeous i just got over excited sorry sorry sorry)
